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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
chhd Offline
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Name: Savanna
Age: 27
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Location: Goose Creek, South Carolina

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Join Date: March 8th 2009

Unhappy i wish - March 11th 2009, 12:54 AM

i had the balls to let someone help me. To have the nerve to just walk up to some teacher or guidance counselor or even my mom or dad and just show them what i do and that im not okay. They think i can just give it up and thats it , it is sooo much more than just that i'd give anything for me to be able to just quit cold turkey.bleh i hate meat anyways back on topic i dearly and turely disgust my self. i moved on from my right leg which by the way i started counting the cuts earlier and i lost count but it was way more than 40 so yeah. Now i have about 30-40 more on my left. I don't know how much longer i'll be able to hide this stupid shit. See thats the sad thing is that i know its dumb and so bad for me but i can't stop, i won't. Another night of me staying in my room while they eat dinner. Anorexia is when you never eat right? Because i mean i'll eat sometimes but when i do it's nothing big something like a cereal bar or something just to keep me up and sometimes when i do eat alot i throw it up. Yeah i wasn't going to mention that and seem even more screwed up in the head. This is why i think i need to be somewhere i know therapy won't work i need someone who's felt my pain and can be there for me and hold me when i relapse or feel like dying i want out of this hell hole im supposed to call home. Im the only kid here and they don't even notice me excpet when i get written up or reports come home and i have like all 40's. My grades arent going up and i still can't sleep im about to just say fuck it and bust up out my window when they fall asleep tonight.


Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries
Between The Trees-The Way She Feels

As she sits in the corner
face to the floor
she dispels smoke from from her lips
and slowly floats away with it
lettinggo of so much pain
her tears are thick enough to stain
the pavement that slowly becomes
her best friend when she needs to run away
Between The Trees- A Time For Yohe
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Lizzie Offline
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Re: i wish - March 11th 2009, 01:08 AM

You say you wish you could just talk to someone how you feel about this. But then right after that you say that they will just tell you to just “give it up”. So does that mean that you have talked to someone in the past about this and they said this to you. Or are you afraid that this is what they are going to say to you. I think that many teenagers are in your exact same position right now. They fear that no one will understand what they are going through. And to be honest there are so many teenagers out there right now that have a self harm problem or any other addictions and they feel the exact same way. They fear of telling someone because they wont understand them, and most of the time that is just not true. We can all relate to this feeling of feeling like something is out of your control. And I think once you realize there are a lot more people in this world that feel the same way that you do, it will make it easier for you to open up. We are all human we are all capable of emotion and empathy. Have faith that the people in your life are capable of these things as well.
You mentioned that you don’t think your family notices you. Have you ever talked to them about how you feel? I mean sat down with them and had a serious discussion, not when you are upset or when they are upset. If they don’t know how you are feeling, and you don’t tell them, then how are they supposed to know? How can you be mad that they are not supporting you when they have no idea that there is something drastically effecting your life like this? Sometimes you just have to sit your family down, in a calm situation and say “ I have been feeling like ________”. They are your family and they love and care about you, they want to make sure you are OK. And I am sure if you talk to them then things will start to get better.
Well I am sure your grades are suffering because you are going through so much right now. Once you start talking to people about how you are feeling and start getting advice and support than you will be able to properly focus on your education. But if you don’t do anything about this, things will only start to get worse.
You will be OK, so many teenagers have had self harm problems and they overcame it and are doing fine now. You can be one of those people if you choose so.




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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Magical Forest. Offline
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Re: i wish - March 11th 2009, 01:15 AM

Savanna, even thinking of getting help is a step forward. Even if you think your too scared to talk about it, there's a part of you in there that wants support, and thats positive!
Giving up is hard, and you're right, you can't just quit. It takes a lot of willpower, I mean even now I'm still fighting every day to not hurt myself.
I can see a battle inside of you, one side wanting some support with this, and the other wanting to destroy yourself. You just need to find those people that care, and I'm sure there's someone that does, talk to them, let everything out. Try not to keep things inside because they only get turned in on yourself in the end.

Keep safe. My PM box is always open if you need it.

x
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
chhd Offline
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Name: Savanna
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Re: i wish - March 11th 2009, 01:17 AM

i have to live with my dad now because i got someone to tell the school counselor like 5 years ago when i first started and they said my mom had to take me to the doctor and she never did so dss took me away and they didn't get it at all. I just ugh i don't know anymore


Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries
Between The Trees-The Way She Feels

As she sits in the corner
face to the floor
she dispels smoke from from her lips
and slowly floats away with it
lettinggo of so much pain
her tears are thick enough to stain
the pavement that slowly becomes
her best friend when she needs to run away
Between The Trees- A Time For Yohe
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