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Angry Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 01:08 AM

Just fuck it. All of it. All the trying an the counting days and the alternatives that never quench the fire behind my smile. I'm wreckless and messy, bloody, broken, inexplicably restless and torn. I need the pain. And fuck what's right or wrong or crazy. I can fucking take care of myself. I know what I need. It's easy for people to say this isn't my only option when they've never met the demons of my past


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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 01:22 AM

This is EXACTLY how I feel right now! Hopefully someone else will come up with a more positive response about how you shouldn't give up etc but right now it's been about 10minutes & I really want to again already so I can't tell you any of that. I just hope things get easier for you very soon
   
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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 01:43 AM

Trust me it's better to have someone be honest than be "positive" and yeah it's been 15 and I'm already tearing off the bandaids to make them bigger


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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 01:50 AM

Hey Blair! So what are your demons of your past? Want to talk?
   
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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 01:53 AM

You seem really nice but honestly, I've done that. I've "opened up about my past". Rehab. Friends. Shrinks. Group. It doesn't take anything away.


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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 01:55 AM

I'm not looking to take anything away. Looking to understand your feelings.
   
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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 02:04 AM

Sorry if I'm being abrasive or impolite, I'm just a girl who's been pushed close to the brink. Beaten, raped, failed a year of school, bestfriends off to college across the country and I'm only gonna be a jr in highschool next year, parents hate my religion, flashbacks ruin my relationships with guys, I'm sick alot because of my eating disorder, I still have nightmares about things that haven't happened since I was 13 and I just turned 16


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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 02:08 AM

Life is hard.
No one can say your wrong,
because i know it can hurt.
i know it can get hard.
But it won't get better if you don't try.
You have to put in some effort, to get back.
You CAN do it, no matter how much you feel like you can't.
Think positive, instead of negative. Appreciate what you have rather than what you don't. Look UP instead of down.
God has so much in store for you, just let him take your life in control and live out his plan, because he has more for you than you could ever imagine. Just try!

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
   
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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 02:12 AM

Negative feedback only takes you deeper. I try to be positive, because I know that personally, if I don't try to find a better half of every negative thing in my life, I will never be able to successfully overcome my own demons.

If you want honest, I will be honest. Only you can stop it. If you do not have the will to stop, it won't happen. And will power comes from being positive, something you don't want. Therefore, unless you do quit or do something productive for yourself, or someone close to you, you'll be stuck in this vicious cycle.

You said you've talked about it.. But maybe you just haven't talked to the right person about it. Maybe there's someone out there who will understand you better than you understand yourself. It took me 5 years to find the one person who can help me out of this. 5 years to ask for help. 5 long years to know that I'm not alone. And you know what? That person is myself. You can believe me, you can laugh at me, and you can talk to whoever you'd like, but if you don't try find that one person who has that effect on you, overcoming SH and all of these feelings will only become harder.


"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

   
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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 02:31 AM

Abigail: I have tried. I went to rehab. I quit cutting for a month straight and lots of stints before that. I tried antidepressants and therapy. I'm just me. I can't help that. And God wasn't there when my brother was raping me so he sure as hell won't show up now


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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 02:38 AM

Courtney: I've tried to "get better" but it's just like driving with my eyes closed...waiting to see how long before I crash. My life's not a double sided coin it's a black hole. And I know how it is trying to help obstinant people who can't see past their shit. So give up on me cause I've obviously given up on myself


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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 02:45 AM

Just have hope.
Be positive.
Be strong.
Show evil who you are,
OVERPOWER it.
The devil doesn't own you, or your life.
You are in control, so take control and stop letting darkness overtake you.
You are so much more than you think.
You deserve so much better.
So start thinking that way.
Life can be beautiful, but your the only person that can make it that way.
   
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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 02:51 AM

Well, then I'm hopeless, cause, as always, I don't have the strength to get what I want. Even though he's gone, everytime I close my eyes he hits me. Everytime my boyfriend leans down for a kiss, he grabs me by the jaw. I can't make it stop. I could never make it stop. Why would God do that to me? My dad's a pastor and I'd always pray that God wouldn't let my brother hit me when he'd come home drunk. God never stepped in and I wasn't strong enough to defend myself


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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 03:00 AM

The will to overcome it will help you along. It's not easy. Nobody said it would be. But take the advice and words that people are giving you, and turn it into something good. You keep saying that you can't do something, you can't be positive, you can't stop.. but how much do you want it?

Okay, so you're driving with your eyes closed.. why don't you have someone in the passenger seat who can help guide you to safety? Even if it is that part of you that thinks it can overcome these negative feelings just a little bit.. "Driving blind" isn't necessarily a bad thing. It can be a learning experience: Learn more about someone else, and learn more about yourself. Sure, what I'm saying sounds repetitive, but take a second and think about it.

There's always another side to a black hole. Let the other side be your escape. Let it be the positive things that you refuse to let in or believe.

And about the people who can't see past their own shit.. That's why I'm on here now talking to you. I'm not giving up on anyone, because I've given up on myself too many times.. You can not read this, or respond to this, but I sincerely care about how you're feeling. It's all too familiar. Even why you feel this way.. It's familiar. And maybe one day you can look back and understand that there are people that really do care about you. So what if I don't personally know you.. that doesn't mean that I can't care. Let me get to know you if it bothers you that much.

Just know that you're not alone. Even when you feel like there's nobody there, start looking somewhere else, because there will always be someone.


"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

   
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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 03:01 AM

I understand that you may have had hard times in the past.
But its time to look past that,
You have a bright future.
This is only a chapter in your book, its time to turn the page and start fresh.
You CAN do it.
I promise you can.
Don't tell yourself you can't, because then it will never happen.

I'll be praying for you. <3
If you ever need to talk, message me.
   
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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 03:15 AM

Courtney: I want it to stop. As much as I may be acting like I'm here to argue with nice people who wanna help me, really I just want someone to tell me HOW. I wanna slow down all the flashbacks and stop being so fucking scared of everything. And I really have tried. I've been you. The sweet girl, who's been doing better, opening up to life, and is trying to help whatever miserable cutter they meet keep from crumbling. But for me, it didn't last. It doesn't bother me that you don't know me personally. Everyone who knows me personally doesn't know anything about me that isn't polished and charming and calculated. What bothers me is that you have no reason to help me


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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 03:19 AM

You posted on this site, to get advice.
Deep down you know you want someone to just encourage you,
and say you can do it.
How? No one truly has that answer. You have to be the one to take the first step, and look ahead instead of back.

It is possible.



GOD is LOVE.


Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
   
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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 03:36 AM

You have not been me, just as I am not you. You may have been the sweet girl, but I'm just the honest one. You assume that I am doing better.

I stopped the SH by slowly stopping. Making my goal a week, and force myself to reach it. I allowed myself a small slip up after the goal was up, and treated myself to something I don't normally do, like.. food, or clothes. something small. And at the end of each goal, I made it longer. Kind of like a self reward system. My last goal was one year, and I reached it with only minor slip ups. It works for me, because I know that struggling with all of my bs, on top of SH, on top of anxiety, on top of depression.. it sucks. So I've been trying to eliminate a catalyst of pain in my life.. Which is SH. Sure, I struggle every day.. but I can honestly say that I feel great when I don't have to look at tragic cuts and whatnot.

Maybe my way will work for you. It's different then all of the alternatives. The alternatives have never worked for me, they actually make me want to do all of those terrible things even more.

I slowed down the negative thoughts and flashbacks by remembering them and accepting them. I took those negative things and really did turn them into something better. I've been physically abused many times in my life, but I've used that to make me a much stronger person. I've been sexually abused, but I've used that to help others that have felt helpless at some point or another. I have taken it, and have become more caring and loving. Sure, touching and more really puts me off, and I can't stand it, but I took it and made it work.. The list goes on, just as yours probably does.. But the difference between you and me is the fact that up until recently, I have never had someone who was willing to step up and help me. It took me six years of struggling to come to this point.

Therapy and medication is not for everyone. Personally, I couldn't stand it. I hate it. I don't take anything, and this is all I have.

I do have a reason to help you. You asked for help. Even by just posting and rambling, you asked. I want to help because you deserve to be happy. People like us deserve happiness, even when we think that we don't.


"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

   
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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 03:37 AM

I'm being impolite and disagreeable, so why are you still being sweet?


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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 03:42 AM

Because you still want someone to listen. You need someone to listen.


"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

   
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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 03:42 AM

Courtney: sorry I worded that wrong. We're not eachother. I didn't mean to be arrogant. Also I shouldn't have assumed you were better. It just seems that to give this sortof advice you have to have some mental stability. And it takes a hell of a person to use their pain to make the world a better place. I have alot of respect for you.


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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 03:43 AM

I'm sorry I've been being a bitch. Not that it's an excuse, but I'm really bad at needing help


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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 03:49 AM

Lol, bad at getting help? Me too, actually. I've been in a relationship for 4 years, and my partner doesn't even know about my issues. Now that's bad at getting help. =P

Mental stability is not easy to come by lately, but I have experienced a lot for my age. I had to grow up too quickly. Thank you, but this is about you.

Don't feel like everything's done with.. don't give up. Because that's what "they" want. They want you to fail, to give in.. You have to show them that you're the better person. Show yourself that you are the better person.


"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

   
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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 03:54 AM

For what it's worth, you've got nothing to be ashamed of. There's no guilt in pain. Your boyfriend would probly be really supportive. 4 years is a long time, so I'm guessing he loves you alot. Anyways thankyou for this.


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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 03:57 AM

If you ever need anything, PM me. Add me. I'm always around.


"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

   
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Re: Aghhh - June 14th 2011, 04:02 AM

Cool thanks, and same goes for you.


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