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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy I like the scars. - June 23rd 2011, 09:12 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I cut. I don't want too, but it makes me feel so much better. Everyone/everything hurts me and cutting is one thing i can control. Pain i cause and nobody else. I know I should stop but I don't want too. Im not suicidal at all, i value the gift God gave me.

Recently I told one of my best guy friends and the love of my life that i cut. I'd like to talk to him about it, but feel kinda weird doing so, like he might think I'm crazy. He has been so supportive and he begs me to stop, but even that doesn't make me want too. He's the only reason i even attempt to stop.

Its been 5 days since I have cut.

But that was all just background, I continue to cut because I like the scars. The actual cutting feels so good, but the scars...its like they're a part of me...i can look at them and feel stronger yet its like a punch in the stomach blowing all the air out of me. And I can stop temporarily because I have those red lines, but then once they fade I have the urge to do it once more. Its just a cycle. I hate that Im doing this but it seems to be the only thing that helps me cope with everything that i deal with.

And writing doesn't really help, and i cant go to a doctor, therapist, phycologist, or anything like that so don't suggest those.

Advice please... I just want to be happy for once.
   
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Re: I like the scars. - June 23rd 2011, 09:25 PM

If you want to be happy then you do have to find the will to stop. If this guy knows and wants you to stop, and it's already been five days, then you're doing great. And since he does want you to stop I'm sure he'll be willing to be there for you when you need him.

Look at the scars and tell yourself that you don't want them, you don't need them, and that they aren't who you are.

Now that this guy knows, he can be part of what you use to cope, you can also keep a log of when you wanted to cut and why. I don't know why but that helped me for some reason. Something else that helped me was counting down from ten, then twenty, then thirty. By the time I'd counted down from fifty I was super sick of counting down, but it helped.

The next trick I used was 17 minutes. I know that sounds weird, but I would set my timer on my phone or my stove for 17 minutes, do something that took up that much time, and when the time was up I didn't feel the urge as strongly to cut.

I hope those help a little bit... Good luck.

<3
   
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Re: I like the scars. - June 23rd 2011, 11:25 PM

i know how you feel. i AM a cutter, and always will be. i understand where you're coming from with the scars. the cutting, for me that's kind of like revenge. on myself. i guess it's kind of like "Man everything hurts why not have one i can control" some nights and other nights its "I hate myself. i hate what i did. i hate what i did to him. i put him through hell. i deserve this." other nights. and then when i look at the scars the next morning, i feel proud. i feel like i've been punished, which i deserved. or at least i used to. i used to be able to look at my scars and think "that one is for Cameron. that one is for Mila." that type of thing. but it's not much of a punishment anymore. in fact, its a get away. the scars are the most amazing part. HOWEVER. this is an extremely bad habit. it's NOT something you want to start doing, and you want to quit ASAP. it is NOT something you can control. in fact, it sounds like its getting comlpetely out of control for you. TELL SOMEONE they will help!
   
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