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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
UltraViolet Offline
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Name: Lea
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longgg...stuff? a ramble, not vent, not rant, just talkin away...(maybe trig, idk) - March 11th 2009, 08:58 PM

i dont really no what im writing here.
i havent for a few days, so here i am.
not that anyones listening to me, or even reading this but oh well.
it just, idk.
im not lookin for attention right?
here or like where i am at home or anything.
but im not noticed at all, and no1 minds if im the person their takin the piss out of.
but...i dont even no how to write down how i feel.

and even if i do, everyone will only try and say possitive things, and about things iv already tried, and they dont work.
people are tryin to help, i get that, and im writing here cos i want help? yes?
No, its isnt, i have nowhere/no-one to tell this stuff to.

i was thinkin, maybe just maybe i could not cut anymore.
cos of what nearly every SHer thinks when its nearly summer.
summer=short sleaves. and i can only wear long ones, that cover the entire arm.
and no only that, i foolishly told this guy i work with about me.
almost everything.
and after? idk, i feel abit relieved, but i felt so fuckin stupid.
y did i say that?
he neither knows or care about my life.
and the stuff iv been through.
and i hate sayin that ^, 'the stuff iv been throu'.
im a selfish bitch,
iv had an good life i suppose compared to so many.
but for me still? idk.
my dads always been, idk nasty? to me, he hit me since i can remember and called me terriable things, but that was my fault, im a dick.
my sister hate everything about me, shes told me so often.
shes moved out now, but whenever she comes home, my parents take evenless notcie of me than normal.
my mum went into hospital when i was 10, to have an opperation to remove a tumour from her lung.
i was worried abotu her of course, but my sister and dad wouldnt take me to see her, so i took myself, and wen i came home i got a beating.
i got bullied alot when i was 11-14/15.
i self harmed for the first time at 11 in the toilets at school when i was 11, when i didnt know what it really was, and i started smokin then.
i had/have no1 since forever.
im a fat and ugly girl, and got used like one by lads.
i always said no to sex, and i still do, eventhou im 19.
which people have been takin the piss out of me for, but those people can go and fuck right off thanks very much, its my choice.
but im bothered cos i cant bring myself to even, like anyone anymore.
since this lad that i no, that lives right by me, attacked me?
i was walkin through the park one nite, and he was there, so we walked together, made sense, he lives down the road from me.
but, idk what he expected, i told him that i didnt want sex, but he forced himself on me.
didnt actually rape me, but yeh, ick makes me feel sick.
i told my mum she didnt really care.
i tried to tell her about my Sh about 3 years ago, and she just told me i was stupid, and not to do it.
its not everythin, and its not whats bothering me now.
u no when its not really anything imparticluar.
just everything?
and well right now-college, work, 'friends', parents to each other, parents with me, how i feel in general. useless, and unworthy of everything, so y am i moaning idk.
i no im ugly and fat, and i no it.
iv made myself sick on sev eral occasions justfor the hell of it?
to make me feel better.
i sometimes pig out on food, or i eat nothing all day, just to feel hungry, cos i no i can.
ive been drinkin alot, and i shouldnt, iv been smokin more.
iv even taken some drugs to try and break this feeling.
i have been to my doctors and told them about my depression, and im on my 5ht set of anti depressants.
but they dont do anything, sometimes i feel worse, iv overdosed on them before, yes purposly.
iv oded about 4 times? first time when i was 14, but i never told anyone, i was always sick after, not volentary, but guess i didnt take enough or drank to much, idk. but yeh october? i oded on meds, and other stuff.
and i want to again so much, its alwasy in the back of my mind, im even planning to try again soon. im sick and weird.
iv been havin dreams that i die like hangin from the stairs n stuff.

i cut really bad nw, without really meaning to, well thats a lie, but its not.
wen i cut i say to myself not to deep, then when i start i dare myself to go deeaper, i tell myself that deeper i go the better i'll b, and the less cuts i'll need to make. but its a lie, i cut more and deeper.
but i like it? i need it.
i cant break out of it, and y should i.
cuttin is makin me still b alive surely?
ive tried alternatives, and they do nothing for me, if they ever have, they hav just distracted me for 2 minutes. not even that.
iv been to 2 counsellors.
and theres no point me goin to the pyscothearpiest, non at all.
doubt i can even get in there now anyway.
and please dont just say that i should go.
i dont know what i want u to say, nothing i guess?
not that i think anyone will even get this far.
i feel like i need someone to hold my hand, but there isnt.
and there never is.
im so lost and alone.
i just want to finish it now,
but iv not got enough pills.
oh my god, i feel worse now.
pfff


'thanks to you i never trusted...'
- Boy Kill Boy




This depression is a killer...
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
faded rainbow Offline
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Re: longgg...stuff? a ramble, not vent, not rant, just talkin away...(maybe trig, idk) - March 11th 2009, 11:22 PM

i can relate to a lot of what youve put about how you feel my mum said exactly that to me about self harming

do you get proffessional help in anyway? if you dont i think maybe you should hun it might help you more than you think seeing a couinssilor really helped me out

hope your ok im hear if you ever need a chat x
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
UltraViolet Offline
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Name: Lea
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Re: longgg...stuff? a ramble, not vent, not rant, just talkin away...(maybe trig, idk) - March 12th 2009, 05:04 PM

i said in it that iv seen two councellors and stuff.
i dunno, its not for me i think.
im such a dick

pff
i hope ur ok

x x


'thanks to you i never trusted...'
- Boy Kill Boy




This depression is a killer...
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
asyoulikeit Offline
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Re: longgg...stuff? a ramble, not vent, not rant, just talkin away...(maybe trig, idk) - March 12th 2009, 06:50 PM

Parents can be realy close-minded about how hard it is to stop SHing and fix what's going on in your life, but that doesn't mean you should just stop trying I don't care how many times you have.

Maybe you haven't talked to the right professional yet; since your family isn't helping, you need someone who's got experience and actually takes you seriously.

PM me if you wanna talk, and please take care of yourself <3


When you say "never", I'll say "lie"
When you say "always", I'll say "true"
When you say "love", I'll say "you"
I'll say "you"

It gets better.
   
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