Being an ex self-harmer with scars.

[bitesize]

This is a bit long, but please read it if you can. I tried to make sure it wasn't triggering but I'm really sorry if it is.

So I haven't hurt myself in two years, although I used to do it fairly regularly. The scars on my arms are hard to see, but I have some very fat&noticeable ones on my thighs. Two issues.

a) I've never admitted to my boyfriend that I used to cut myself. He has seen these scars, and although he's never confronted me about them or challenged my 'I climbed over some barbed wire drunk one time' story, I suspect that may have an idea what they're from. He knows I'm uncomfortable discussing them or having him look at them and he knows that I have depression and he may have put two and two together, but I like to convince myself he hasn't.

I confessed to my last boyfriend that I cut myself (it was happening while we were still together.) He told me it made me unattractive and no one would want to be with me,and basically emotionally manipulated me into giving up. In fairness,he was at the time three years younger than my boyfriend is now, as well as being generally more immature/dickish, but I'm terrified about coming clean to my boyfriend. I wouldn't bring it up by myself but if he ever confronts me about them I don't know whether to keep up the excuse and lie to his face, or to admit that I made the cuts myself and risk the consequences. I know if he broke up with me over it he wouldn't be worth being with anyway, etc etc, but at the least, what if he gets really weird, or awkward about it?? He's always been very supportive of my depression but often people who have no experience with self-harm have a lot of trouble understanding it. I'm just absolutely terrified that he'll judge me and think I'm disgusting or unattractive or freakish.


b) My other issue is that I'm going to Italy in a week for a language course with a girl from college. We're planning to spend lots of time at the beach, which definitely means wearing a bikini. The scars are high enough on my thighs for most of them to be covered by a skirt or shorts when I'm wearing them, but when I'm in a bikini and they're visible and there's loads of them... and I don't particularly want to have to constantly be covering up my thighs for two weeks at a hot beach. (Plus,uneven tan much?? )

I don't know the girls I'm going with very well. We've been friendly in and out of class for a few months but we're still at the sort of 'polite' friendly stage. If she asks about my scars ~ which she very, very probably will, as they're noticeable ~ do I just take the 'fuck it' approach and explain briefly and matter-of-factly that I used to cut myself, and risk being stuck sharing a room with someone who thinks I'm a freak for two weeks, or do I blatantly lie and have her be suspicious about it (and probably still think I'm a freak)??

Just feeling unsure about the whole thing. Sorry this is long. :/

(Also, I just want to say that I myself do not think people who self-harm are 'freaks'. I've been there myself. I'm just aware of the general discrimination and lack of understanding towards self-harm.)

[dipka]

Firstly, Ive gotta say well done for giving up.
Im gonna say now, I currently Self Harm, I understand you. I understand the feeling you get when people steryotype you.

a. You don't say how long you have been with this new boyfriend, or how well you know each other, but I think that once you feel secure with it you need to tell him. It's part of your past weather eather of you like it or not, he should be able to accpept that it is the past and move on from it with a bit of luck.

b. Could you consider wearing one of those short sleved wet suit things?
The tan wont matter since I assume you never plan to show the part of your leggs with scars on ever, so will it be a problem if they are not tanned?
Again It's mainly about how well you know her, how well do you trust her? So To start with Id use the cover up story, but if she persistantly asks it's probably because she has worked it out, so therfore you should just tell her the truth.

I hope this has helped somehow.
Anything elce I can do please ask me.
Dipka x

[bitesize]

I've been going out with my boyfriend for almost fourteen months, with three months of dating before that. We have a really honest relationship which is why I hate that I've lied to him about it,but I'm terrified he'll feel weird or uncomfortable around me. People tend to look at your scars a lot differently when they know how they happened. For example I'd hate him to feel like he had to treat me really delicately or couldn't joke about self-harm.

In reply to your second question ~ actually, sometimes I feel pretty apathetic about the whole thing. I hate the idea of having to cover them up forever ~ honestly I'm just not bothered. If I was with people I was never seeing again I'd happily bare my legs to them and not care what they think ~ it's just that I'm worried about being in close proximity with this girl for two weeks and things being awkward. And I do love wearing bikinis. I just don't know how much to trust her yet because I simpyldon't know her well enough, if you know what I mean. Maybe she self-harms herself. Maybe she thinks it's just for sick freaks. I don't know. :/

My self-harm is in the past. I could easily pretend it never happened and no one would ever have to know if it wasn't for these scars. :/

Thanks so much for the reply x

[calgary01]

About the Italy thing.....my opinion would be that if she asks, you're best off just telling her straight up. Rather than lying and probably having her deduct the real answer anyways....hopefully, she'll try to understand and leave you alone at least until you guys possibly become closer friends in the future. If not, then I guess good riddance to her...but I do understand that those 2 weeks could be incredibly awkward. Anyways....i'd say, if people notice, and they're that bad/obvious, you're best off just saying it straight up..

[hopelesslypretending]

If you're to scared to, just keep it to yourself until he confronts you about it. Then the best thing to do is confess. Honesty is a big part of relationships.

You could wear swimming shorts. They make them pretty short, it's what I wear. Or if that doesn't work, board shorts.

Congratulations on quitting, and I know how irritating it is to have dropped the habit but still have the reminders. Good luck!

[L'espoir]

To be honest, most people won't actually ask about scars. I have very noticeable ones on my arms/wrists and since I started college I dont cover up and act as though I dont know they are there, nobody has said a thing to me. I think that we are more conscious of it than other people are and tend to panic about people asking questions when in reality, people dont honestly care all that much. You could always wear a swimskirt/swimdress though which would cover your thighs... just say you're self conscious of how they look

[SavingButterflies]

The scars are part of who you are now. The scars remind you of a time in your life when you were really low. Every scar tells a story. The stories make you stronger. People who will love you will not care about scars, or birthmarks, or anything else you may have. In time, who knows, you may even use your scars as a teaching tool to others.

Be proud of who you are and the fact that you are here to tell the story is enormous!
Move forward with strength!

[Madeleine.Claire]

If it was me and someone asked, I just tell them. I'm straight up about myself to everyone though, if someone asks me a question I answer it.

I don't think it would be that big of a deal to wear a bikini at the beach, it'll make you feel happy and more free, you aren't restrained by self harm anymore so why let your scars affect how you act/what you wear?

If you're comfortable with telling her and dealing with her reaction then I say tell her, or she might not even ask. You never know until you try(:

No one has ever not wanted to be my friend because of self harm issues, they're mostly in the past. I think the only reason people would look at me differently is because no one sees me as the type of person to hurt myself.

Just do what feels best for you (:

<3

[bitesize]

Originally Posted by ItsMaddie

I think the only reason people would look at me differently is because no one sees me as the type of person to hurt myself.

Yes, that's exactly what it is for me too!! It's a bit scary thanks (:

[Ella.x]

I had a similar dilema the other day. I went to Thorpe Park with a friend from work who knew that I'd been off work for a week back in the day for mental health reasons. However, I just remained confident and took my jumper off during the day. My friend didn't comment at all even though my scars are more obvious than a pink giraffe dancing naked in front of you (seriously, it looks like I went arm-first into a blender). I have found that if you go at it with a sense of humour, it tends to be less awkward. But honestly, my friend didn't even comment on the scars which was lovely haha! I think it depends on the other persons understanding of self-harm as to how they react but honestly, if you can manage to come across as confident, no-one is going to challenge you or say nasty things. It's all about how you act. I would advise you to be truthful though in both situations. Just a simple "I have some scars because I had some problems when I was younger" would probably suffice. Anyone who does react negatively isn't worth your time. Good luck hun!

[Red_Lines]

I've recently started wearing Soffe shorts around my parents and oh my god is it so wonderful to FINALLY be able to. I also have massive amounts of thick keloids on my thighs and one day while at the ebach I just thought, "Well eff it, they've known for 4 years and I havent worn shorts in about 6 so might as well." They've never said anything. A few months ago I wore shorts around my ENTIRE adv. bio class on a trip and no one said anything (though a few friends asked and I simply said it was a long story, end of discussion). Honesty/remaining calm about the situation does wonders.

plus, people really dont notice scars. In my college anatomy class a classmate of mine had TONS of some of the thickest scars I've ever seen, and they looked VERY SI induced, but turns out she got thrown through her car windshield, and I never noticed until she made a joke about them. After that I completely forgot they were there until just now actually (and you know that if you SI you tend to be on the lookout for scars...). Moral of the story, no one notices much, don't worry, enjoy the beach and Italy because it's a wonderful opportunity!!!

[bitesize]

Hmm, ok well I ended up lying about them, because my friend asked me when we were having dinner and I was really scared of making the mood awkward...but she was the only person that asked out of everyone, and I wore a bikini every day. And it never came up again!!x

[Justin Bieber]

I'm glad it went well with your friends-- even if you weren't 100% truthful. Plus, you got to wear a bikini and get evenly tanned

If you haven't told your current boyfriend, yet, I would encourage you to do so. I think he's probably had the thought before because you are open about your depression to him. And since he's supportive of that, I can only imagine that he's also understanding of a past. Depending on how you tell him and your tone of voice, I am sure his response could change. But I'd think if you stayed pretty calm, and just explained a little, he's bound to hear hear you. Also, you can tell him as much or as little as you want... (why every scar is there or simply that you used to cut).

I think you're at a good moment to tell him, to be honest. Just over a year is definitely a point where (I hope!) you guys are very trusting and connected to each other. I think he'd find your openness a positive thing


It's up to you though! If you don't feel comfortable, you can totally reserve your right to keep it hushed.

Good luck!

[bitesize]

Ok I think I've decided that I want to 'come out' to my boyfriend......but I'm absolutely fucking terrified. :/ I don't know what to say or how to bring it up, and how to make things better if he feels awkward around me afterwards. I really feel that he might have figured it out, but what if he hasn't and I just screw things up?? Agh

[MacGuffin]

Honesty, I think, is always the best policy. Telling your boyfriend can be scary, and it's true that it could push him away. But if he is as supportive and caring as you know him to be, it could bring you closer together.

Tell him you need to talk to him. Sit down and let him know the truth: that there was a time in your life where you used to vent pain by cutting yourself. Let him know as much or as little as you want, but at least tell him the meat and the bones of it.

Hopefully it will bring you two to a place where you don't have to feel ashamed of yourself, and can be more open with him from now on. If it's awkward, well, you may have to assess why it is awkward and decide if you want to be with someone who can't accept that part of you, and be prepared to deal with that.

[udontno]

Wow. Your story reminds me a lot of my own story.

I self harmed for years and was also with a guy or two who told me that no one would ever love me because of my scars. I haven't been with my current boyfriend for very long at all, but he does know about my self injury. He doesn't really know what to say when I talk about it but he listens contently. He knows I'm very, very self conscious about my scars He hasn't seen the ones on my thighs but he has seen the ones on my arms. He's also seen me freak out slightly whenever he touches my arm (most are raised and you can feel them).

I think that you should go ahead and tell your boyfriend. He's probably going to be like, "uhhh, duh" but I think you will feel better if you can talk openly and honestly about them with him.

I have just recently gotten to the stage in my recovery where I can wear a bikini with the scars on my thighs showing around close friends. So far, no one has asked about them.

[bitesize]

Thanks so much guys. I'm jsut really nervous about telling him so I hope it goes ok..xx

[Darrenboy!]

dont worry too much.

a true guy will definitely love you, and want to make you feel happy and stronger . he will instead support you more and be more helpful and sweeter cause he knows that you're someone who deserve the best. cut out the thoughts about the bad past, cause its over. i think your boyfriend would understand . whats the point about being mean to someone over them hurting themselves? i dont think a sweet wonderful boyfriend would do that.

stay strong! we love you