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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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I broke - July 6th 2011, 02:19 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Labeled it just in case...

I thought I was doing well... I thought I was feeling happy. No matter what It is always there and it creeps up on me. My family doesn't understand and never hears me. It was my birthday and to make matters worse only one of my friends came. My mom made me give my dog to my friend because she can't live with me. She (as silly as this sounds) was one of my best friends. I could talk to her because well she is a dog and she can't tell anyone my secrets. My mom won't ever see how much she hurts me by continuously giving my animals away and shutting me out. I guess last night I just broke down. I am trying to stay as positive as I can, though this is a very hard concept. I know that relapsing or cutting again is well part of the "Recovery process" or what ever but I wish I had never done it. I tried to write and do the ice thing and even go on a walk but I just couldn't stop thinking about the sadness and everything and I ended up doing it... I don't know why anymore. I guess I just feel pretty worthless lately. Sorry to vent like this but I needed to get it out.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 02:35 AM

Oh sweetie, I am so so sorry!
First things first:
x20 bajillion!
That's really rotten of your mom to just give your dog away, and I'm sorry you feel worthless, but you are not worthless. you've been a very wonderful friend to me, and based on some of the things we've talked about you're just an incredible person in general. Don't ever ever forget that.
And as you said, and as I and others have told you breakdowns are normal when it comes to trying to stop SH. I know exactly how bad it sucks, I really do, but you just have to try and stay strong and tell yourself "I feel like crap for breaking down last time, I don't ever want to feel like that again so I will not SH."
I know precisely how difficult it is and I sincerely wish I could just make it all better because you don't deserve to feel this way.

I don't really know what else to say besides stay strong, you're my buddy and I love you for that, and I'm always here for you! <3


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 02:42 AM

Thank You Nikki. I really needed that. She has given away every animal I have ever had... She just doesn't understand the emotional attachment. Animals are not just something you have they are your family, you know?
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 02:45 AM

Have you tried talking to her about it? Maybe she just doesn't understand?

**edit: but yes, I know exactly what you mean about them being family


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 03:04 AM

Yes I did try, When that didn't work because she just left the house I wrote her a letter about it and put it on her bed. She read it and then she just left. She came back like 2 hours later and said I needed to get the dog out now and she was not having animals in her house anymore. She does not listen.

Thanks for being my friend. You are an amazing person! <3
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 03:10 AM

Sorry, but from what I gather I can't say I like your mom too much. I mean, she knows (at least I think I recall it being you who told your mom about SH'ing, though I've talked to so many people on here about it I'm not sure) how hard things have been for you, and yet she still keeps (hopefully unintentionally) upsetting you more. That's just not right if she knows how upsetting it is to you...
Did the dog mess in the house a lot or something? Or did she just say she didn't want any pets in the house just 'cause she "said so"?
Of course, it'd be pretty stupid of me to not be friends with you! You're too full of pure awesomeness (:


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 02:27 PM

It is my mom who knows... She doesn't seem to care... She won't even sit down and talk with me, she looks at me so differently and treats me like I am a freak. The dog didn't not mess in the house once. She followed me every where I went and she slept in my room. There was nothing wrong with her. My mom just doesn't get it.

Me awesomeness? haha no my friend it is you who is the AWESOME one!
   
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 02:54 PM

Hey Shana, sorry about the relapse ):

And about your mom giving away your dog, I totally know how it is. I love my dog so much I would be upset if that happened to me too!

And I agree..that you're pretty awesome (by the way..) (:

<3
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 03:10 PM

Thank you Maddie. You are pretty awesome! No lie you and Nikki rock! I don't know why my mother keeps doing this to me. It is so not helping...
   
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 03:26 PM

Sometimes parents do things and don't think about what they're actually doing.

And you're welcome (:

<3
   
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 04:31 PM

That's pretty dumb...but like Maddie said, sometimes parents do things without thinking them through.
And I just can't understand why your mom won't listen to you at all...has she like tried to help you at all? Or did she just write you off when you told her you were SH'ing?


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
  (#12 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 04:45 PM

She told me she would help but hasn't. She is making things worse for me. She is never home and I am mostly more or less alone here in my house all the time. Well unless I go to the barn to see my horse. I think she has given up on me. It doesn't matter anyways. I will just push on I guess.
   
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 04:50 PM

:/ I'm so sorry Shana, I don't even know what to tell you...it's gotta be hard to tell her something like that just for her to be in denial about it (which to me, that's what it sounds like).
I'm proud of you for being determined to stay strong<3 I know you can do it


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
  (#14 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 05:02 PM

It's Okay, I guess it is well life. I have to try and stay strong because that is all I have left to hold on to. Thanks
   
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 07:34 PM

Hey Shana. My mom did that to me too. The first time it was my husky and it wasn't so bad because I could let my dad keep her, until he moved far away. After that I ended up with my border collie mix, and I was extreamely attached to her. At the time, I felt like she was all I had. And she was taken from me. My mom had no reason either. It was... just because. She's done this several times and I understand what it's like. It's a major heart break everytime and it doesn't just go away. You don't just get over it either.

My mom used to be the exact same way. She knew I was having a tough time. She went through all of my stuff. My drawings, everything I wrote, my e-mails and listened to my conversations. She knew I was extreamely suicidal, but chose to ignore it. Even when I was cutting all the time. She just looked the other way. I was glad for it, other than the fact that something needed to be done. It took something drastic for her to even aknowledge what was happening. Have you tried sitting her down and explaining how serious the situation is? She will regret not helping you in the future.

If she won't listen to any sort of reason or communication, the try to take care of it on your own. Do you go see a coulselor or something? Now that you are 18 you can get professional help without your mom's permission. In the US there are places you can even go for free. You just have to explain your situation and they'll work with you.

When you feel at your worst, you can always go down to the barn and see the horses. Hang out there for awhile and maybe even do some work. It'll take your mind off of things and make you feel like your belong, like you have worth. Those horses love you from the sounds of it. I'm sure they'd always be happy to see you there.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 10:25 PM

Yeah I do try and talk to her. Today at the barn I was putting shavings in my stall and she showed up and was actually understanding. We talked a little and she said we were going to the doctors on Friday. I am really scared. I kind of don't even want to go anymore. I wish I could go back in time...
   
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Re: I broke - July 6th 2011, 11:07 PM

That's wonderful! It's okay to be scared. I was and sometimes still get scared when I go. Don't wish to turn back time. Your mom is aknowledging that something is wrong and is trying to help you. The doctors just want to help to. Just keep telling yourself that.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
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Re: I broke - July 7th 2011, 12:05 AM

I am going to try. I am like all Panicky and what not. I need to calm down...
   
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Re: I broke - July 7th 2011, 12:54 AM

I was really scared the first time I had to talk to someone about what had been happening to me, but trust me it'll be okay.

I'm so glad that you did talk to her about it, be proud of yourself! It's gonna be okay.

<3
   
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Re: I broke - July 7th 2011, 02:25 AM

I just don't think my problems are as bad as everyone elses. Still can't shake that...
   
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