Triggering (SH): :-/

[udontno]

As some of you may know, I've struggled with self harm for about eight years. I was a very, very young girl when I first starting hurting myself. It's been somewhat of a constant force in my life, with the better part of my years spent hurting myself or at least thinking of hurting myself. Even though it's been several months since the last time I cut, I still think about it. Constantly I think about it. I'm extremely proud of myself for having gone without cutting, but I still want to.

I've recently started dating a new guy who knows about my past history with self harm and has seen the scars on my arms. We've talked about it a little bit. When it does come up, he tends to freeze up. He doesn't know what to say and I don't know what to tell him. I've talked about the scars on my legs and about how self conscious I am because of them. I don't think anyone realizes how much of an impact my past self harm still has on my life. When something goes wrong, it's the first thing that I think of. I am still struggling with it on a day to day basis. I'm doing the best that I can to get through this, but it's hard. I feel as if the people that I should be able to tell everything to don't want to hear about it, they want to think everything is just fine. I really, really like this guy and am petrified that my "issues" will scare him away.

To make things worse, I know that a friend of mine has been cutting. She's talked about it with me some and I've tried to help her, but the amount of detail that she gets into is horribly triggering for me. Twice recently without any warning my cell phone has gone off to a new picture message from her... it's pictures of herself after she's been cutting. They are horribly triggering and my poor brain simply can't handle it. Tonight I was talking about this with a friend and my boyfriend. No one seems to understand why the pictures upset me so much when I used to do that myself. Seeing images like that take me right back into that state of mind and it's scary. I don't know how to handle the situation with my friend... it doesn't help that our relationship is constantly on the rocks because she isn't always the nicest person to me.

:-/

[SoraKat]

Hey, okay well first i think you really should tell your friend that even if she doesnt understand it, if she sends those pictures it makes you want to cut so much more, and she just cant sent pictures anymore.

secondly, obviously that guy does like you, and since he already knows and hasnt left, i think it will be okay. but also, if he does leave, he doesnt DESERVE you anyway. People have problems! so what if yours is something most people dont understand. :P

good job for trying so hard i have a friend who is in kinda the same situation as you, i mean shes done it forever, except shes given up on stopping, so its really good to hear that you still keep hope. Cause hope is there

Good luck, and i hope things get better for you :/

[udontno]

Today has been one of those days. Even though I have the people around me who understand, I can't seem to put my thoughts into words that I want to hear. I feel like I'm walking on edge and that I don't know how to control myself. This is hard.

I'm trying not to hang up my hope... but it's easier said than done.