stopping, how i came back

[bipolar]

i was a heavy cutter two years ago. a friend caught me doing it. i know it was stupid, but i used to bring a razor blade around with me. well one day at school i was just having a bad day, so as usual i went to the girls bathroom and locked myself in a stall. sometimes, my friend and i used to text in there. she recognized my shoes and peaked over the stall next to me, thinking i was texting. she looked at me and basically said this "I promise not to tell if you stop. and i wanna check your cuts so i know you are stopping" after about a year she stopped checking and trusted me. when she stopped i was hesitant, and so for about a year i would burn my fingertips and give myself papercuts and give myself scratches and tiny little cuts, but now i've started cutting myseelf again. not bleeding, but i need to cut myself again. i want to. i dont want to even consider stopping. but im scared of getting caught again. i just really want to get the nerve to do it again.

[Maloo]

I want to let you know that you definitely do not NEED to cut. You may feel like that, but in reality, you don't need to. Getting counseling is a good way to start heading in the right direction. Nothing positive comes out of cutting, you just teach yourself that dealing with your problems in an unhealthy way is okay, when it's really not.

[Discombobulated]

Hey there,

It sounds like you have a good, supportive friend there and you are lucky to have her.
You don't need to cut, you ARE stronger than Self Harm, you CAN beat it: I believe in you. I know you say you don't want to stop by now, but do you really want to go back to having to hide the cuts and getting more scars? It damages your body and i think it would be a better soultion to try and get to the root of the problem and try to stop.
Maybe you could talk to your friend and an adult you trust about this, explain your feelings and that way they can help and support you through. And if you talk to your parents they could get you professional help.
I would suggest taking a look at the alternatives thread here, they will help to distract you from the urges to SH. Not all of them may work for you, but hang in there and you WILL find one that does
Stay strong and believe in yourself, you CAN do this.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want/need to talk,
Take care,
Charli

[PutYourHeartsUp]

We can't tell you how to get the nerve to do it again. And since you said you don't even want to consider stopping, there's not much we can do. But I'd like to point out that when you cut, it isn't a matter of whether or not someone will find out. It's when. Because someone will definitely find out at some point. There is no way to keep it a secret forever if you continue to do it.

[bipolar]

i understand what you're saying, but to be honest it helps me. the more i cut myself, the less i want to kill myself. i know its crazy but i feel like if i dont cut myself i'll kill myself later. anyways. i get what youre saying, but i think i'll just deal with what im doing for now. thanks for your support and input.

[Maloo]

If you feel that badly, you should look into counseling.

[LastRedAppleStanding]

I used to do EXACTLY the same as you. I'd get a toilet pass and i was out of there. I used to sit in the girls stall for about half hour just watching myself bleeding and cry. It's not nice is it? Makes you feel like shit.

I know you probably get this all the time but you really, really don't need to be doing this. In the end, you just feel even more sick with yourself. Your friend obviously trusts you, something my friends shouldn't have done and if she catches you it will hurt you AND her. You may never get that trust back. You need to hold onto her love and support to you and not betray her, i know that's harsh but i know that's how she will feel

I promised my boy best friend and in the end he was the one who had to call the ambulence for me one night and we've never been the same since...
You don't need to start cutting to draw blood again, you're stronger than that. I give you credit, she gives you credit. Maybe you need to give yourself some credit too. We believe in you. Please stay safe <3

[PutYourHeartsUp]

If you're so set on not even trying to stop yourself, then I'm not entirely sure why you posted this at all. I'm not trying to be mean or blunt or harsh, but it seems like you know we're not allowed to tell you how to get up the nerve to do it again.

[LastRedAppleStanding]

Yes but sometimes it's nice to be able to just get your words out. Obviously she's very distressed about this and maybe has mixed feeling. Sometimes just a couple words in the right direction is all you need.