Triggering: (SH and ED Triggering) So, I'm a cutter.

[blumemusik♫]

I think I'm just kind of coming around to the idea that I am a person who self harms.

It started when I was about 12. I just scratched myself with my fingernails until I bled. I didn't do anything for ages. Then when I was 13, I began burning my fingers in hot candle wax. At 14, I began cutting myself, and now here I am at 15, trying to stop because it's not healthy.

I sound stupid I know. Because there's nothing wrong with me whatsoever. My family is amazing, I'm intelligent, I'm not ugly. And yet I feel this constant urge to hurt myself.

I never do anything really bad. I only have one place where I've scarred, and I only cut with scissors or safety pins, not razor blades or anything that sharp. But yes, I know, I need to stop. I need to stop. But at the same time, I need to cut. I need to cut.

I've tried the alternatives but they don't work. The elastic band one is best for me, but then people started noticing, so I stopped. I still ping it on my legs sometimes, but it doesn't help enough.

I don't cut my wrists, I cut my stomach and legs, so people don't notice.

Because I have to be perfect. I am 'perfect.' I'm a nerd. Nerds. Don't. Freaking. Cut.

I'm happy being a nerd, don't get me wrong. But everyone thinks I'm this perfect all-A* student, and I'm worried that if they find out what I do... Well everyone will think I'm... I don't know what. A failure at being good I suppose. There's about 2 or 3 people in our school who openly cut, and everyone considers them social outasts. I don't want to be like them.

I try not to eat, as well. I'm not strong enough to make myself throw up, but I want to. I exercise. It does nothing.

Oh yeah. And I can't get a boyfriend. And I want one. Not just for the sake of having a boyfrien - there's a person I really really like, but he would NEVER look twice at me. I can't get around the fact that I'm so unattractive. Because of my nerdy reputation, and I don't care I'm a NERD, but I care because it's stopping me being in a relationship. And I'd hate to find out what would happen if they found out I cut.

I don't know why I'm posting this. It's more of a rant.

I just wanted to say, that I've totally realised now that I'm a cutter. And I'm terrified I won't be able to break free of the cycle.

[Revolution]

I'm so glad you've been able to realize that this is a problem, and that you want to stop. This is a big step on its own, and you are very strong for getting to this point!
You said that the alternatives don't work for you, but I'm still going to give you this link: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-s...ves-self-harm/ This has many alternatives you can try, with the rubber band method, and many more. Have you tried icing your arm when you are having an urge? That seems to help a lot of people as well.
I would also dispose of the scissors and safety pins from your room, and make it so you have less urges to do so. When I quit cutting, I gave away my pocket knife to somebody I could trust, because it did mean something to me. That way, when I'm strong enough to have it back, I can have it back. With safety pins and scissors, they are a little less personal, so I would hide them somewhere else in your house so they are harder to think about.
You also need to start eating. By starting on this path, you can throw yourself into a full on eating disorder, a path that you do not want to go on. You're beautiful as you are, you don't need to starve yourself to be beautiful.
Another thing with your boy issues: I'm a nerd too, so I never had a boyfriend until I was fifteen. However, I've now been in a relationship with said boy for three years, because we're proudly both nerds together! You will find somebody that fits your academic personality, you don't need to change who you are to find somebody great for you.
I would recommend you talk to somebody, an adult you trust, about these feelings you are having. It's not good to keep this all to yourself. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to recover from these feelings.
Stay strong, PM me whenever you need!

[blumemusik♫]

I can't tell an adult. Especially my parents. If my parents found out, they'd be devastated and I love them too much to do that to them.

The only person that I think I could tell would be my violin teacher, but she's then legally required to tell my parents or the school head of pastoral, so I can't

[Revolution]

Is there a friend you'd be willing to talk to?

[blumemusik♫]

Not really. I don't really have any good friends who I can trust. My best friend is a gossip and I cant trust her to keep quiet, and my other few close friends I'm not close enough to to tell.

[Revolution]

I'm sorry, I know how it is to have gossipy friends. :\
I still might recommend that you talk to an adult. You don't deserve to be unhappy just to keep an image in your parents' mind. Wouldn't they rather have you truly happy? I know it's rough, however. A lot of people, myself included, never tell their parents about their self harm.
Have you thought about talking to a counselor from a clinic, or from other places such as that?

[blumemusik♫]

I did think about getting a mentor in school, because they have to keep everything confidential. But I don't like talking to people one on one. It either makes me cry or i get embarrassed and don't say anything. Plus I have my perfect reputation with the teachers in school so to ask for help would be showing a flaw.

[Revolution]

But the mentors would keep it confidential? I think it'd be a great idea.

[blumemusik♫]

Maybe when I go back to school in September, I'll consider it. Idk. But I still have 4 weeks of summer hols left... :/

[Madeleine.Claire]

Hey lovely,

You know what? You're amazing. And the fact that you want to stop this is amazing as well. There are so many people that love you and care about you and sometimes it can surprise you as to what people's reactions are. You know that I'm always here for you to talk to and the fact that you have realized that you have a problem makes it so much easier from here on out.

There are so many people here that will want to help you, you know that. And you know that I'll always be here for you too. Once you get your iPod fixed, you can FaceTime me whenever you need me, even if it is like four in the morning. (:

I love you, and you can make it through all of this.
<3