Triggering (SH): Worried.

[chility]

Okay this is going to be weird. The other night, I was literally feeling.. fine. It was midnight. I was tired. I was on facebook, talking to people and reading through conversations. Then... I don't know. Something snapped. I remember fumbling frantically for the blade.
An hour later there were 200 cuts on my arm. I had no vivid recollection. I don't know why I suddenly flipped. When I saw what I'd done I was so distraught I cut again.

I've started going from 'fine' to 'very not fine'. Getting depressed at random times.

Worst of all, I'm addicted to endorphins. Sometimes I cut just for the rush. Just to see the blood. Sometimes I'm not even sad, I just have to cut because... I have to. And I want to/like it.

I know it's bad, but I can't find a way out of this. I can focus on slowing down the cutting and limiting it, but stopping completely is absolutely out of the question. It's impossible. I could never imagine achieving it because it's become such a deeply embedded part of my life.

I really don't know any more ://
Thanks for reading.

[Le bonheur*]

Hey there, I know how you feel. I really do. Cutting is addictive and I'm so sorry that you are addicted. As are many other people here on TH including myself. Sometimes it takes just one little thing to trigger just the urge to cut.

[Cabron]

I'm no doctor, but it's possible that you may have dissociated. That would explain why you don't remember exactly what triggered you or hurting yourself in the first place. Many people who cut do it for the same reasons you're describing--the endorphins, that 'rush'. I have a problem with self-harm as well and I sometimes find myself doing it for absolutely no reason, just because I want to. It's more than a want, really. It's a need. Believe it or not, though, there is a way to live without hurting yourself completely. It's a matter of taking baby steps and never expecting too much of yourself. There is never gonna be a day when you'll wake up completely cured of all depression. It takes a whole lot more time than that. There will be slip-ups along the way. But it's all part of the process of healing and getting better. Nobody's perfect. Set little goals for yourself and reward yourself when you reach those goals. See if you can go first five minutes without cutting when you want to. Distract yourself. Go outside and occupy your mind with something. That's a crucial part of getting over urges for me. When my mind is empty--or on autopilot, which is how I feel when I'm just browsing Facebook or whatever--it's a lot easier to succumb to those urges. Don't do it. Go out for a walk and blast music until you can't hear those thoughts anymore. Cutting doesn't have to be a part of your life forever. It may be something you'll struggle with for a period, but it's very possible that you will be able to learn to cope without it. Have you discussed your problem with anyone else in your life? Sometimes, sharing makes it easier to deal with. Don't ever give up on yourself because you will be okay. Feel free to shoot me a PM whenever if you need a chat.

[TheCrowing]

Then don't stop right away. If you can slow down, or limit it, then great. Set your limit, and the next time you SH, set a stricter limit. So if your limit now is.. 30.. your next limit should be 25.. in example. By slowly stopping, you're letting your body and mind get off of it easier. It's the same with time. If the furthest you have gone was a week, then set a goal for 2 weeks, and reward yourself with something not harmful at the end of your goal.

[Revolution]

I'm so sorry you felt this way. We have all been there, many of us have to fight each night just to stay away from the blade. I would throw away anything in my room that can be used to harm yourself, and when these sudden urges come, I would use many of the tips on the Alternatives to Self Harm page ( Click here ). Maybe you can print a copy and keep it at easy access, so that in a sudden urge, even if you're not on TeenHelp, you can have it close.
Are you talking to a professional about this, such as a doctor, therapist, or counselor? This may really help stop these feelings. And I'm not a professional, and will not have the info a professional would, but you are always welcome to private message me if you need.