My Story or why i self harm

[*Learningtobreathe*]

My name is Ariel or Nakita which is my pseudonym for writing. i am 16 and have been cutting since i was 14.
i started when the guy i loved moved to mesquite. he was my best friend and my world. when he left it felt like i was losing everything that ever meant anything to me. when i was 5 my mother divorced my birth father after my grandfather died. losing my pop-pop was bad enough and then losing the only father i knew made it worse. my mom remarried and i gained a step sister, she divorced again and i lost my little sister. i always knew i could count on my older sister though. my mom remarried again and i gained an older step brother and a younger half sister and a new home in arizona. this all took place within a few years and i was 8. we left arizona a year later and moved back to texas. i started the 1st grade and gained a best friend named Alicia. we became fast friends but her friendship never seemed to be enough to block out the pain of losing those i cared about. after 5th grade i moved again, losing best friends, favorite teacher, and a boyfriend.
my parents have never seemed to have enough love for me, and i can never seem to do anything to make them proud of me. in my freshman year i joined a varsity choir and they came to every concert. the one person i sang for died in october of last year. she always seemed to be proud of me from the day i was born. my beloved grandmother who sang me to sleep with Amazing Grace died in her sleep, 2 weeks after i visited her for the first and last time.
i contemplated suicide for weeks and tried to drown myself twice. i quit cutting for a few months but started again 3 weeks ago after meeting the boy of my dreams and losing him to another. i wanted to die. its getting harder and harder to make it through the day and i have to cut just to know i'm alive. i can't sleep without taking a pain killer and a allergy med that makes me drowsy.
i know i need to stop self harming but i can't. i feel like nothing i do is ever enough, i'm not perfect enough for my own family and the one who made me feel worth it is now engaged to someone else. the feelings build up and i have to cut just to get them out. PLEASE WON'T SOMEONE HELP ME! -Nakita

[*Learningtobreathe*]

i made a new friend named lizzie a few years ago and she helped me steer away from suicide but i don't know if anyone can help me stop cutting.

[Le bonheur*]

Hey Nakita, I'm sorry things have been so tough for you. I'm not sure what to say besides we're here for you and you can PM me anytime you'd like. I'll listen to anything you have to say and offer the best advice I can think of. Stay strong<3

[justfallinginlove]

Hey Nakita
Please check out these alternatives that may help you stop cutting. Its good to hear that you met a friend that can help you. Just talk to them and let them help you. Its terrible that you went through all of that at such a young age. Kids need stability and you didn't seem to have that in your life much. Im sorry for all of that and if you ever need someone to talk to im here for you.

[*Learningtobreathe*]

thank you so much i feel torn apart by so many people i can barely hold it together sometimes

[justfallinginlove]

Trust me...i know how that is...but there are people that do truly love you for you.

[*Learningtobreathe*]

i sometimes wish that i had someone to actually talk to instead of writing everything down that i wish i could say. i want to feel wanted, loved, and needed. i cry myself to sleep at night because my heart hurts so much. i used to see a therapist but i don't anymore. i just never felt comfortable enough to talk about what was bothering me. if anyone can help me with this i would be really grateful.

[screwdriverneedsgas]

i'll be your new friend. why dont you try getting comfortable talking to me about your problems? i'll do my very best to help you in it as well = )

[*Learningtobreathe*]

i think i'm bipolar because some days i have alot of energy and i'm really happy and outgoing. but on other days its all i can do to roll out of bed with a smile on my face. i don't know what to do anymore i want to die

[screwdriverneedsgas]

do not die. please try to join activities ..... and remember that no matter what happens, some activities will have you meeting awesome new people, some of which can change your life for the better forever.

hold on!

[justfallinginlove]

Hi Nakita!
I am have issues opening up too, but once I do then I say too much. Its rough right? Well just know you can tell me anything, or just ramble, and I wont judge. And if you think you might be bipolar, see your doctor or therapist/psychiatrist/phycologist. Stay Strong dear <3

[Charlai]

nakita i'm nt sure what to say other than i'm sry to know u'r going through this, bt everything has a bright side, you just haven't found yours yt, if u need to talk u can PM me anytime

[*Learningtobreathe*]

thanx
"i wish i was too dead to care
or need not care at all.
never had a voice to protest
i wish i was too dead to cry
or have no need to cry
you don't need to bother
i don't need to breathe"

[justfallinginlove]

Did you write that? I like it.

[screwdriverneedsgas]

its a good poem, but i suggest you try smiling more and being happy . remember, you never know who might gaze upon that smile and be entranced by it.

a lot of people, i bet.

[*Learningtobreathe*]

its a mix of lyrics and a poem i wrote. i have been told that my smile is beautiful but i don't believe it. my best friend told me that everyone loves me and i told him that everyone is a fucking liar then

[*Learningtobreathe*]

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest

I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

(Solo: Corey)
Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on¦
I'll never live down my deceit

[screwdriverneedsgas]

i understand you've went through a lot. But i sense happiness in your future... hold on strongly! we all love you lots.

[*Learningtobreathe*]

what happiness i had left fled on the day words were thrown like knives in my direction that hurt more than anything.
what smile i held close to me broke like a mirror i held so i knew i was alive,
what heart that continued to beat for me shattered and the sound of breaking glass filled my ears.
what love i thought i had turned out to be nothing worth saving, and the tears havent stopped beating against the back of my eyes, threatening to spill.

i sense a little happiness but what is it worth when i can't have the one i love