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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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I'm so guilty... help me move past this? - August 22nd 2011, 04:00 PM

Okay, I'm new here, so hi. But I could really use a bit of help, if you're able.
I hadn't cut in over two months. But then last night I just snapped and did it again. And now I feel horrible.
I kept waiting for the relief, but it didn't come- instead, I just kept mentally screaming at myself. I'm so stupid, weak, ugly, etc. If my family finds out they're going to be hurt so bad. I told myself I wouldn't make them go through all that again, but look what I just did. But then even though it didn't give me satisfaction, the urges just came back tenfold. Worst of both worlds, I guess- still freaking out, but now with more self-destructive tendencies. Yay?
I know that relapsing happens to everyone, and that this doesn't have to be the end of me. That I can learn from my lesson and pick myself up and keep going and everything will be great, la la la. But to be able to do that I'm going to need a whole lot of energy, and right now my mind is so stuck on yelling at myself for messing up that there's no way I'm strong enough to fight back against the urges. Which are pretty bad right now. So how can I collect myself after this and be able to put it behind me and continue on the road to recovery and all that? Help.
   
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Re: I'm so guilty... help me move past this? - August 23rd 2011, 10:06 AM

Hey there. (I'd be slacking in my buddy duties if I didn't add - welcome to TeenHelp. )

I'll definitely do my best to help. It's what the site's here for, after all.

First off, I'd like to draw your attention to something. You hadn't cut in over two months. That's amazing. Yes, you slipped up, but compare that to how long you've gone without it, and it doesn't seem so significant, does it? It's okay to slip up, and it's okay to feel bad about it. But just don't forget how far you've come, how much you've achieved, and don't let it stop you from recovering.

Sometimes hurting yourself can make you feel better, for a time, but sometimes, like what happened to you, it doesn't. It just brings more bad feelings and thoughts, and makes things worse. Remember that feeling. Next time you want to hurt yourself, remember how bad you felt afterwards, and remind yourself that it's not worth it. Because it's really not. It's so much better to move on and work through it than to let yourself slip back into self harm.

It sounds like you have a lot of negative thoughts about yourself, which, although obviously it's not good, isn't uncommon. One exercise I like to do is to write a list of, say, five things I like about myself, or get someone else to write a list of things they like about me, just to boost my confidence. Also, try to put things in perspective. When something goes wrong or you don't do as well as you'd hoped, it can be tempting to give in to the thoughts like 'I'm never good enough' or 'I can't do anything right', but at times like these it's important to put them into context. Accept that this is how things are - in this case, accept that you slipped up - but don't let it define you. Remember all the times you've done something right, and try to convince yourself that people make mistakes, and it doesn't have to ruin you.

I'm guessing you already know most of what I've already said, because you sound like a very smart person, so I'll move right on to your actual question: how to move on from this. I'm curious as to what you mean by 'energy' - are you talking about actual physical energy (ie. are you feeling lethargic?) or do you mean the mental energy you need to resist the urges? Either way, something I've found useful is to just stop thinking about self harm. If it's not on your mind as much, the urges won't be as bad. Now's a good time to throw yourself into your hobbies, sports, anything really, to keep you busy. Start a project, do something you've been putting off, take up a new hobby - whatever will help take your mind off things. It could also help to talk to someone about it. Do you have a good support system? If not, it's never too late to get one. Let your friends and family help you through this. You're hurting, and that's okay; you don't have to go through it alone.

Finally, I'd like to remind you of the list of alternatives we have here. Try some out and see if they help. I wish you all the best. You can do this.


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Re: I'm so guilty... help me move past this? - August 23rd 2011, 09:19 PM

You shouldn't feel bad about anything. I think it takes tremendous strength to not cut for two months. Almost everyone has relapses, you just have to tell yourself that it's OK to start over.
   
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Re: I'm so guilty... help me move past this? - August 24th 2011, 02:08 AM

Cool, responses. Thank you guys.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sidhe. View Post
I'm curious as to what you mean by 'energy' - are you talking about actual physical energy (ie. are you feeling lethargic?) or do you mean the mental energy you need to resist the urges? Do you have a good support system? If not, it's never too late to get one. Let your friends and family help you through this. You're hurting, and that's okay; you don't have to go through it alone.
I mean both kinds of energy- mental energy to resist urges and deal with the coming school year (a lot of my mental stress comes from social anxiety), and psychical energy, because to feel like a real person I need to have seminormal ups and downs (get hungry before I eat, have energy before tiring out, all that).
And I logically know that I did good by holding out two months, antagonizing won't change anything, yada yada yada, but my thoughts are not super cooperative and apparently have no reason center. So I keep taking deep breaths and calming down and thinking "I can get over this, I'm going to be okay now" and then a few hours later falling down again and basically feeling guilty enough to throw up. Not all that enjoyable.
   
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