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-   -   Triggering (SH): Denial (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-self-harm/t82405-denial/)

Shanielle August 22nd 2011 10:23 PM

Denial
 
Would it be dumb if I said that I used to deny cutting myself, because if it is then I guess this going to be the dumbest thing you've read. When I first did it, it was like I knew in a way what I was doing, but I didn't want to believe it because then I would be forced to deal with all the bad feelings that followed. I didn't want to think about it, about how disappointed my parents would be if they found out, about how I had to get used to the idea of wearing bracelets and capris all the time, or about the fact that I wasn't as in control of my emotions as I thought I was. After two weeks, I had to admit what I did to myself. That isn't to say I didn't make excuses for myself. I told myself all sorts of stuff. I thought that as long as the blood didn't do as it had the first time, running down and around my wrist and painting my skin red, that maybe it wasn't exactly cutting. I thought if I only drew little windowcracks of blood that I could get away with not calling it cutting. I thought as long as I wasn't cutting too deep, drawing too much blood, I was safe from admitting the truth, but I was wrong. It doesn't make a difference how much blood I draw or where I draw the blood from, if I'm doing this to see red, even if it is only a spot, it's cutting. I don't know the point in writing this, but I guess it's better to get this out than bottling it up inside.

tasha555666 August 22nd 2011 10:41 PM

Re: Denial
 
Shanielle you find the aftermath horrid to bare to look at and think about what you've done?
I did anyways..The feeling of having to hide and make excuses up and not wanting anyone to find out.Its hard and upsetting,feels like theres nothing for you..

I feel so hurt for you.After reading that..What do you feel before,while and after your cutting?
PM me if you'd like to carry this conversation in private...

Stargazed. August 23rd 2011 12:04 AM

Re: Denial
 
Hey Shanielle, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling that way. For a long time, I told myself that it wasn't me who was cutting. And I was getting the scratches and cuts from somewhere else. It was very hard for me to admit that I was indeed self-harming and I realized it awfully too late. Therefore, I commend you for being able to admit this to yourself. If you ever need to talk about anything, feel free to PM me. I'm here for you , you're NOT alone. :hug:

ElsatheDepressionSlayer August 23rd 2011 12:11 AM

Re: Denial
 
I usually make up stories behind my scars so if anyone asks, I have something to tell them. Unfortunately, I start believing the lies, and won't admit to myself that I was cutting. So I have a slightly different sort of denial, but I sorta know how you feel.

Spoons August 23rd 2011 02:37 AM

Re: Denial
 
You're not alone with the denial. I never denied the fact that I cut, I just denied that it was a bad thing at first. At first I used stuff that didn't really make me bleed, so I denied that it was an actual problem, but now it got worse and I've admitted it to myself.


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