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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
JustAnotherTHer Offline
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Name: Gracie
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Alternatives? Riiiight. - September 13th 2011, 08:55 PM

I don't know if this goes here or in Depression & Suicide so move it if it needs it.
I feel so hopeless all the time. The smallest thing goes wrong or upsets me and the first thing that comes into my head is bladesbloodarmcutnow.
My doctor told me to make a list of things I could do to distract myself. And to have cutting right at the bottom so that it's still an option, but only if nothing else has worked. I know the first thing most of you would do is to direct me to the alternatives thread, and believe me, I've done them all. It feels like I've tried literally everything possible to distract myself and nothing seems to work.
If anything I just get more upset and frustrated. There are so many nights where all I can do is cry because I just don't want to live like this anymore and I can't see any way out. I don't feel good enough for anything or anyone and everyone always leaves me eventually. I haven't had anyone who has ever stayed with me before. And it feels like people will come when they need me. But as soon as I start to feel like I need them it's like they can sense it and they just bugger off. If I want to be alone for a while, they get all moody or annoyed with me, yet whenever they want to be alone it's fine. They'll just fuck off and leave me and come back to talk when they feel like it.
I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. It always leads back to cutting. Always. I can handle most things going wrong since that's always been the way. But lately, the people I trust most have just left me or stopped talking to me and I don't know why. It's the one thing I can't deal with.
If I put my trust in you, it's there for a reason. It's there because I trust you to stay. Not because I just felt like sharing my thoughts with some random stranger.
What am I doing wrong and why does it always lead back to cutting?
Why can't I just be normal for once.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Nomophobia Offline
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Re: Alternatives? Riiiight. - September 16th 2011, 08:15 PM

Hey there, welcome to th!

Sorry to hear things are tough at the moment, but you aren't alone! I know how much losing friends can hurt and how it totally rocks your world. It does get better though, I promise it gets easier after time. You need to try and make some new friends who are there for you, this site is a good place to start...online friends are better than no friends we are all here to support you, don't hesitate to message me if you want a chat or anything!

As for why it always seems to lead back to cutting, its because cutting is an addiction and a habit, until you wanted to stop, every time things fell apart cutting was your response..so your brain still goes to that reaction now even though you know its not right. To beat it you need to find another coping mechanism, one that works for you and can replace cutting. It will take a while for you to find the right one though, and I suggest trying alternatives a few times, because i know for me, sometimes an alternative will work but then next time it wont. Just keep ttyinh, and tell your dr about your struggles. Hope this helped

"Friends are like stars; you don't always see them but you know they are always there"

"It gives me hope. I love you so much. You give me a reason to breathe. Its something for me to not kill myself for" >>> means so much :')

Paramore! <3
Pm me anytime, I like to help!
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Paix et Amour Offline
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Re: Alternatives? Riiiight. - September 17th 2011, 05:21 AM

i know how that is. ive done every alternative and nothing has helped me at all really. maybe you should just try listening to music. i lose track of time by going on youtube and looking up music and then clicking suggestions and finding new stuff. i usually can keep myself from cutting that way, and it might help you too. just try to look for happy stuff and not triggering things. what im listening to right now that i like - all by kerli btw - i want nothing, hurt me, strange boy, the creationist, walking on air, love is head, army of love, and also (only if you like music where the majority of the singing is screaming) i am going to kill the president of the united states of america by LeATHERMOUTH. try listing to that playlist when you want to cut. it really distracts me
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
It's Killing Me Offline
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Re: Alternatives? Riiiight. - September 19th 2011, 07:10 AM

Make some friends here. Online friends can be great too. They might not be able to be there for you always but they are great. PM me if you would like me as a friend. I absolutely love making friends.

You should keep trying. Never give up. If you have run out of alternatives, try them all over again. Music might help. When you feel like cutting, put on your earphones and turn the volume up. It is not very good for your ears but it's better than cutting. So good luck. Keep fighting. Never give up.

  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Jenna Peterson Offline
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Re: Alternatives? Riiiight. - September 20th 2011, 04:47 AM

Hi Gracie. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't had much luck with dependable friends IRL. Fortunately, you've found TH, which is a great place to start looking for online friends who understand what you're going through. Online friends can never really replace the friends you get to see face-to-face, but as mentioned above, it's far better than no friends at all, and there's always someone online here.

Also as mentioned above, I find music is one of the best distractions I have ever found. When it's a matter of calming myself, distracting myself, changing my mood or choosing to wallow in it a while instead, music helps. It shuts out the world and lets me retreat and just be, no matter what that happens to feel like. Usually that's enough. If it's not, here are some other things I've found to work for me:
- If music isn't enough to distract me, I browse the internet. Sometimes it's seeing where suggestions on youtube will take me. Sometimes it's reading the archives of my favourite web comics. (I particularly like Penny Arcade, Short Packed and Hipster Hitler when it comes to comic strips, and Tales Of Mere Existence when I'd rather watch something.)
- If it's a matter of feeling alone and needing to do something about it, I find someone to chat with online. Sometimes it's a friend from TH or another site. Other times I pluck up the courage to randomly contact a long-lost friend on facebook who happens to be online at the time. Sometimes I'll log on to MSN/AIM/etc. and look for someone I haven't talked to in a long time and see what they're up to.
- If it's a matter of feeling restless, I get up and do something. Take the dog for a walk, go for a run, practice my ballet techniques, whatever.
- If I'm specifically feeling like I need to cut and that I'm craving the pain, which I do from time to time, I find some less destructive way to cause that pain. Scratch, rub, heat, cool, pinch, snap, etc. without actually causing a wound.

I hope that some of the suggestions you get here will help you out. Best of luck! PM me anytime if you want to chat

The walls are high, the walls are strong
I've been trapped in this castle that I built for far too long
You have surrounded me, a sea on every side
The cracks are forming and I've got no where to hide
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