Triggering (SH): stitches and a new resolution

[Dark Horse]

Last night was probably one of the worst nights of my entire life. I had to go to the hospital to get stitches for a huge cut. I was feeling terrible (as usual) so I cut myself, but I must have gone too hard over an old scar or something, because the next thing, there was a giant gaping hole in my arm. Literally, I could see right inside my arm (graphic- sorry) It started bleeding like crazy and dripping all over the floor and my clothes. I got such a shock I started crying and my mom heard me. She came in my room to me sitting on the ground, with blood all over me, crying my eyes out. She knew I'd done it myself because I was still holding the razor. She must have been really scared; it sounded as if she was about to start crying too. That was the guiltyest and most ashamed I've ever felt. Mom drove me to the hospital where we had to wait for a looong time. Then I saw the doctor (I didn't like him. Felt like I was wasting his time), he looked at the cut and told me I needed stitches. I never expected this, I thought I'd just get a tetanus shot and go home. So anyway, he passed me over ot the nurse who was very nice. She cleaned the cut and then the doctor came back again. He had to give me a numbing injection. And I'm terrified of needles. Worst thing was, he had to give me seven injections on the cut, as well as a tetanus shot. Ugh, it was horrible. But I felt better afterwards. The numbing injection lasted all night and it wasn't sore a bit. (Though it's killing me now.)

I think it was for the better that this happened. Now my family knows I have a problem with it, so I don't really have to hide my scars anymore. My mom is taking me to a phsyciatrist tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, but she'll probably give me something for depression/anxiety so I'll feel much better afterwards. I'm just afraid that people will find out and think I'm some sort of freak. I think that's my biggest fear right now. That, and also that my mom thinks it's her fault.
Right at this moment, I feel rotten, but I'm sure it will get better.
This whole experience was horrible, but I think I've learned from it. So I've decided to stop cutting.

[Schiz]

Hey, if it leads to you getting help, then it can still be the best thing that ever happened to you. I can relate (on the physical side of things); I've had a knife cut before. It cleanly severed all the nerves so I didn't feel any pain through injury and healing, but I could see inside and it bled everywhere. It was my hand too, I'm incredibly lucky I don't have any lasting damage from it.

Everyone has scars, but some people just carry them physically. If that was rock bottom, then it only gets better from here. Congrats on your resolution to stop cutting.

[Haylee.]

That is so scary. I'm really glad your okay though and it is wonderful that you now have your family to support you and you're getting help! stay strong! <3

[Nicole!]

I'm really sorry that happened to you, it must have been very scary. I'm glad to hear that you are going to start seeing a psychiatrist though, its a good step in the right direction. Most of all, congratulations for quitting self harm