Le sigh :/

[SnowKitten]

To most of my friends I'm the happy go lucky girl that walks down the hallways and wiggles her arms like a squid. I appear to be so happy, people tell me I'm strong for going through what I've gone through and still being able to smile every day. But its not real. As soon as I'm alone the first thing I think of is "Fuck, wheres a few inches of skin that no one will see. Where can I cut next." It consumes my thoughts and I hate it. I hate being this way. I think I have bipolar disorder because I can be really happy for a month or so and then I just want to destroy every piece of this body that I've mutilated for so long. I don't knwo what I was trying to achieve with this post. I guess just venting and anyone's ideas on what I should do? Thanks for reading guys.♥

[EmptyBottlesBrokenRecords]

Maybe you should try talking to one of your friends about the way you feel. They could be a lot more supportive then we ever could.

Maybe talk to a parent or adult about the bi-polar issue. They would know what to do.

[Thirteen]

Bipolar Disorder is more than just "happy" and "sad", it's a lot more complicated.

Have you considered talking to a counselor, or therapist, about the self-harm?

[Nomatophobia]

You really shouldn't be diagnosing yourself, there's a lot more to bipolar disorder than switching between being happy and sad. Try talking to the school guidance counselor about this if you don't feel comfortable talking with your parents. Ask them if they can refer you to a therapist, who will be able to diagnose you.

[SnowKitten]

@PinkLemonade and Thirteen.
I was trying to type this really fast because my grandpa was waiting for me to unplug the router, but I know very well how complicated bipolar disorder is. It runs in both sides of my family and I've seen how it affects the people that have it, medicated or otherwise. My family also thinks I have it but we haven't gotten the money together to get me to a psychiatrist/therapist.
I used to have MST therapy for 6-8 hours a week and I remember feeling a little better then, but I guess its just waiting until we get the cash put together to afford therapy again.
Honestly I just needed to vent. Today my grandma saw the cuts on my leg and she asked me about them (she knows I've cut in the past) but I just kinda avoided the topic. Bleh. :\

[Thirteen]

Well, maybe I can help you understand a bit better. How are your Happy times? Duration? Characteristics? Abnormalities from Depressive time (besides happiness, i.e. eating patterns?)

[SnowKitten]

When I'm in my good moods I feel really hyper and happy, I enjoy baking and cooking and music more, I usually don't sleep a whole lot (maybe 2 or 3 hours a night, if I sleep every night) my girlfriend says when I'm feeling happier she notices I'm more optimistic and my HLS kicks into overdrive.

When I'm feeling bad I usually feel like I'm lost, and I'm apathetic towards my schoolwork. I really just want to lay in bed and sleep all day. I eat almost nothing, or I throw up stuff I eat because I don't feel like I deserve it. I don't like to talk to people and I'd rather curl up in my bed than go to a social event or anything like that. Self harm is something I think about nearly constantly.

These moods kinda go on a rotation, but the frequency is sporadic. Happy times can last a couple months or a couple weeks. But sometimes I can be feeling really great and then something will set me off and I get really angry for an hour or two but then I'm fine. Thats my Oppositional Defiance thing though. Friggin disorders. T_T

[Thirteen]

Well honestly, I'm not sure. But what I can say is, if your mental health is concerning you, I suggest you see a mental health professional.

[SnowKitten]

I'm trying to. Trying to convince my dad is a pain though. Wish me luck? c:

[Thirteen]

Well, if you tell him about the depression part, that alone would be enough for concern.

[SnowKitten]

C: I got my grandma to agree. I'm kinda excited now. Maybe I can stop this once and for all c:

[Thirteen]

That's great! Consider this a positive step in the right direction, and remember, don't go in labelling yourself. Let them ask you the questions, answer honestly, and let the professionals figure out the best way to help you.

[Concrete Angel]

Hi there,

Best of luck, and like Julz said, don't go in labelling yourself. When we label, our minds tend to work that way and we make ourselves behave that way.
I hope things improve with you and you feel better soon!
If you need to talk, or rant, whichever, you can message me anytime, if you'd like.
Take care
-Kav.
xx