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Castiel's Angel Offline
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Exclamation This is long but I dont know what to think anymore...please help! - November 2nd 2011, 01:29 PM

I live about 40 mins from my friends that I met 4 years ago, but we all go to the same high-school, because of the setup of our district. I have one friend in the same suburb as me so we have a lot in common but we havent known each other for more than a few months. Recently my friends living farther away have driffed away from me and aren't talking to me anymore. My friend from my suburb has other people who scream at her if she doesnt sit with them because they hate me and dont want her to know me. So I sit alone at all break times and during class.
Anyways, so now that my other "friends" have alienated me, I feel like theres nothing left to care about anymore. I stopped cutting a few months ago because things in my life actually started to get better, my grades, my social life, my home life. But now it seems everything has gone to shit. My grades have dropped significantly and my parents are fighting constantly, and now my best friends have ditched me.
I used the see the school councillor but he retired and left so now we have a new woman. I saw her once but she asked alot of personal questions that made me uncomfortable and were not aprropriate for a first meeting so I discontinued seeing her after that one time. So I have a lot of bottled up feelings that im unsure of how to express.
I cut for the first time in 67 days yesterday and now I just want to keep doing it. A couple of minutes ago I carved the words "Get out" into my thighs and stomach because I am not satisfied with my body. I feel as if all this fat has been cramed into my body and it just wont leave, because of this I hate myself everytime I eat so I have resolved this by not eating at all. I just drink water.
I think Ive given up on having a social life now, and Im about ready to give up on school as well, I just see there is no point in trying anymore because I know Im not good enough to pass anyway.
I guess my question is how can I stop myself from feeling like this?? Also, any insight into why I might have these strong feelings of self-hatred and dissapointment.
I know this is long and I apologise, but please help me....

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Re: This is long but I dont know what to think anymore...please help! - November 3rd 2011, 06:29 PM

Why dont you try talking to the counciler again. but if she asks something that you think is too personal, just tell her that you aren't comfortable answering that just yet. she wont force it out of you and should respect your wishes.

Also, dont starve yourself to lose the weight that is making you unhappy. you might even feel better if you started dieting and exercising.

You gotta learn to live, laugh, and love. Especially live, even though sometimes it's the hardest thing to do.

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Re: This is long but I dont know what to think anymore...please help! - November 3rd 2011, 08:11 PM

I have a few things to say.

First: you'll find someone to bear you and accept you with your flaws and impefections. THERE'LL BE SOMEONE FOR SURE. And if you find it hard to stick alone, I'm here if you need someone. Maybe some of my suggestions may be helpless but I'm a great listener and if you are just a bit like me... letting it all out will be enough to carry on.

Second: if you want to lose weight there are great ways to without quitting with eating. Example: before going to the seaside I started eating healthy meals and not exaggerating with sweets and unhealthy things.

Third: I know how it feels not to find any other way to cope with feelings and I know what's like to fall into cutting after you've spent a period where everything seemed to get better too. Sometimes I find some other ways to cope, like music or screaming in my pillow but sometimes it's just not enough. This happened just two nights ago and I wish my mom didn't start that argument and just listened to me. The point is: find something that makes you feel better and that can replace cutting. Maybe art, poetry, writing stories... anything that can make you feel better. It works most of the time.

Four: never, never give up. If you give up you'll never know if you can make it. Always believe in yourself and be strong. In the end you'll be the winner.

I hope this helped.

the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
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anymoreplease, long

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