Triggering: I miss it.

[GirlInTheHi-Tops]

It's the weirdest thing. I haven't cut in over a month, and my urges are perfectly manageable. But I still think about it every day. Not in a "I-must-cut-this-instant" way, but just in a "I wish I could." I know I can't, because it would completely kill my parents, but I want to in a more longing way than an uncontrollable way.
Today I was triggered, pretty badly, but I knew that I wasn't going to cut again, I drew a butterfly and tried to get over it. But I wanted to so much, and I still do, just because I like it. I like having cuts, seeing them, having scabs, watching them scar up. I miss that, a lot, and I daydream about how someday I'll be able to again without hurting other people. The idea of the life I want for myself isn't where I'm happy and out of all this, it's where I'm happy, but still includes self-harm. If I could pick between being happy without self-harm and being happy with self-harm, I'd pick the second (if it weren't for my family and other people who would get hurt).
I've got a box full of coping skills and I know I could live fairly well the rest of my life without cutting again. But I don't really want that. I don't think there could be anything else that would make me feel so good, and even if it's selfish I'm not exactly crazy about going the rest of my life empty and un-cut just for other people.
But you have to understand, it's not that I still have crazy urges, or that I'm still seriously depressed, or anything like that. I'm actually doing pretty well now, minimal stress, all that. It's not like there's some major unresolved root of my self-harm that I haven't gotten at. I just liked it, and now I'm sad that I've given it up.

[Thirteen]

This may sound odd, but I feel similar feelings about self-harm.

I, too, have been self-harm free for over a month. It's not like I actually think about it constantly, so much as I think about it when triggered (sometimes by the smallest things, like doing dishes and coming across a sharp knife). I don't give in, but it still crosses my mind pretty frequently.

Hell, to be completely honest, there are days where I want to give in so bad, but I don't. You have your parents, I have my boyfriend. We both try so hard to keep those we love happy. If your parents know now, they could easily catch you slipping up, even when you don't think they will. People who know you best usually have ways of finding out.

Suggestion? Perhaps you should see a counselor, to try and understand these feelings. There is always an underlying reason in the end, and talking to a professional about it could be beneficial to you.

[lovatoac]

I thought I was insane, I feel the exact same way. It's like I daydream about retracing my old cuts with a blade. If it wouldn't make my mother cry, I would still be doing it.

[Dopey]

Its not weird at all. Apart 3 minor slip ups I've not cut in about 5 or 6 years. And I still think about it everyday. Like you I liked it and only stopped because I felt I should, not because I really wanted too. I do miss it, even after all this time. Well I'm not sure 'miss' is the right word....
The point is, you've done well to go as long as you have, the first few months are always the hardest. But it does become easier. I'm not saying you think about it any less, but I guess it just begins to fade a bit. I sometimes look at my scars and wish they could be fresh cuts. But trust me, in a few months, or a few years, you won't be sad that you've stopped. And you won't start again, not for family or friends, but for yourself.

But Thirteen is right, consider talking to someone about this. Even if you feel as though everything is better there are probably still some underlying reasons. Message me even you ever want to talk...

[FillingWithHope]

I felt the exact same way. Once you start cutting you just have to keep doing it. thats why it is hard to get over because it comes out of habit that you don't even realize it anymore. You have done a good job not doing it for a month. Stay strong! the urge will soon go away.

[ronymajani]

Well the only reason you like cutting is cause the pain you feel and being able to handle makes you feel superior and it makes you feel distracted from life and that you have made up for your mistakes and it gives you freedom as in you can do whatever you want with yourself cause you own you but cutting isn't good (obviously) not just physically but also psychologically cause it makes you feel like you can get by anything by cutting which is wrong and delusional and could cause mental disorder therefore you will become crazy and you will have trouble making friends and etc... so consider other non harmful habits like music and writing in a journal cause whether you know it or not only people that have issues cut even if you have convinced yourselves that you are OK and you're doing it for fun and not cutting is the hard way but it makes you stronger and strong enough o face anything in life. Hope this helps.
Sincerely RNY.M the new teenhelp.org unemployed mentor.

[XxFateFellShortxX]

I know how that is... I went almost a year without cutting and I thought about it everyday. I slipped up last night because I was getting triggered by almost any little thing (I think its just this time of year because this time last year I tried to commit suicide and well yeah...). But I don't think its abnormal to miss cutting. It's like it became part of who you are, having those cuts and those thoughts. And its very hard to change who you are especially if you are doing it for someone other than yourself. I think only time will help any of us to get through what we're going through and learn how to deal with life without cutting. Its not like we can live in a trigger free bubble for the rest of our lives...