This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.
OK, I used to be chocoluver but now I can't access that email address and I forgot my password.
I can't do it! I cut so badly today, well, not that badly. I broke, and CUT for the first time in a month. There's this girl... she's one of my closest friends. Our relationship is that I annoy her, she hits me, we laugh about it. NO! She's not bullying, she hits people she likes or is close to. She has a different way of showing affection. I tell her lots of things, the only thing I don't tell her is my SH and only one person knows.
Anyway, she's leaving, but for the last 2 weeks she's been ignoring me. I teased her about this guy who she's best friends with as usual and she got mad at me and she hasn't talked to me since. I know I can be really annoying to people, too happy, too loud. But it's my way of coping, the loudness hides my fear. But, the girl is COMPLETELY ignoring me, she's never done it before, I mean we have out who can ignore the other the longests contests, but, I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT!
She purposely invited most of her friends to her farewell party in front of my face, and completely ignored me. Things are just piling up, my exams, the feeling like i'll never be good enough, the feeling that no one understands, the fear of crying on the last day of school when she and another close friend is leaving to another country. I don't want to go back to how things used to be in my school before I left to England. I cried, and people bullied me because I showed weakness. When I came back to that school everything was okayish, well, it was better. I don't cry often now, well, I do, just not in public.
I wish someone would understand my SH. I wish I could talk to someone. Please, Help!
the thing is, she's afraid to show ANY emotion... she's talking to me now, but...
Well, I was having this surprise thing for her, but we needed her out of my hse. Anyway... my mum knew about it and when she came to visit my mum kind of rejected her as me and a group of friends needed to work on our surprise. Now she's in my hse, and being a little...weird. I can't take it, I so want to cut. But... i can't cos of the ppl here, one knows I sh, another suspects I SH, and... yeah I can't take this!!! Everytime I try to do something nice it ends up being a mess