Triggering (Grieving): Guilt, can't help her, I want it too (TRIGGERING: ABUSE AND SH)

[Ally_Georgiiie]

Okay so I'm gonna start off by saying Thank you for even reading this... :/ It's hard to say whats going on exactly but I think I'll just split it up into three problems... The last one is not as important to me as the other two, if you only have a little time please at least do your best at the first one. I really really need to help him.

Okay soo... I kinda have to explain it all for you to get it. I was born a twin but she died when we were five and a half. Untill I was 10 I'd never blamed myself for it. I have five little brothers who I love a LOT. I used to make up stories about Alison (my twin) saying stuff like she was living up in the sky and that she was the brightest star there. But when my 10th birthday came round and we went to visit her grave seeming it was her birthday too. Someone said something along the lines of... If Aylish (<-my real name. Ally is a nickname.) had only run faster or shouted a little harder. Ever since then I couldn't help blaming myself. I stopped telling my brothers stories about Ali, and started telling them stories about evil monsters that killed brothers and sisters. I know that was wrong but... I think I did that subconciously. Anyway when I was 11 I found out about self-harm by accident. I dont remember exactly what I did, all I remember was that a razor cut me and that I really liked it. I started cutting a little bit at first, but by the time I turned 13 the storries I told my brothers had stopped and all I was really doing was cutting.My oldest brother, Jake, used ask me where I got the ugly scars on my arms. I told him to piss off at the time. I became depressed. I didn't care about my brothers. I didn't care about my how my dad would beat me, my brothers or my mother silly. I had one friend. Her name was Sophie. She got me out and about. Thinking back she might have saved my whole life. I became less depressed and started going out and... being kinda normal. I would still cut... a lot but no one knew about that. I eventualy started cutting less. I had friends. I was getting good grades. I was 14 then. I met this guy, Max... I fell so incredibly head over heals in love with him. He was older than me. Max and I became really close. He found out about my cutting. He was a year older and even got me close to stopping. When I turned 15 he told me he loved me. He was 16 by then. In spain , wich is where I was living back then, you're legal to drink, smoke and have sex. A few weeks after he'd told me he loved me I went to bed with him. The next morning I woke up and he wasn't there. The next school day I was air to him. Even when I went to him and asked him things. I wondered if I was dead to him... He used me.... The depression came back worse than ever before, I was lashing at my body with anything that would cut it. Jake who was 10 then walked in on that once. He didn't understand it. I begged him not to tell mum or dad. He didn't, I told him I would explain it to him all one day. Wich of course I have. Five things happened. My parents split up,My dad moved to Germany,we moved to Holland, I stopped cutting on the 28 of febuary, (8 months ago today), and my dad got custody of my brothers. I saw Jake yesterday. He looked guilty. I asked him what was wrong. He told me it was nothing. I didnt believe him but accepted it. I gave him a bag of gocceries to help me carry. He seemed to be having trouble with it. I stopped halfway home and pulled him into a place where we were out of sight and where there were allmost no people, I snatched the bag out of his hand and rolled up his sleeves. They were everywhere. Loads and loads of cuts, old and new, all over his forearms. He begged me the same way I had begged him not to tell anyone. I talked to him for a long time. Asked him why,he wouldn't tell me, asked if it was because of me, he said it wasn't, asked him how I could help him, he told me the only way I could help was by lending him money for more razors, I told him that wasn't funny, he pointed out he wasn't laughing. But even he told me it wasn't because of me. Even though he said over and over it wasn't my fault. Was I selfish for doing it for so long? Isn't it my fault for leading him down this road? Isn't this all my fault? I was the influence on him. Its my fault. How do I set it straight?

My second problem is this. There is this girl in my class, Selen. She's really popular and stuff but I noticed something about her. She never shows her thighs, forearms or tummy. I don't really care much for her, I don't mix with that type of girl. But I had to tutor her for English not long ago and of course it was after school. We were at her place and she got me a glass of water while I was thinking up an example for her to explain the a and an rules. When she gave it to me I saw her wrist. Ihad a really long diep looking cut. It didnt look healthy. I did it without thinking, but I grabbed her wrist and rolled up her sleeves. There were a few cuts on her forearm. I count a few as around 10 (keep that in mind while reading this please) I was about to say that I wanted to help her teart an infected looking one that looked really nasty when she slapped me and told me to get the hell out of her house. The next day she kept thowing me "sorry looks". I told her I wanted to help her, that I'd been there myself, that I could help her. But she wasn't having any of it. She said that I was just a stupid emigrant that didn't know how to mind her own bullcrap. I really want to help her but I dont know how. Will someone please tell me what to do?

Okay now for my problem. If you read the problems that are above you'll see I'm around a lot of SH at the moment. I've been a good girl and not cut for exactly eight months. I don't WANT to give that up... but ... I want to do it. I want to cut. I want to feel the blade touch my skin and watch it bleed. I want to punish myself for what I did to Jake, for what I can't do for Selen. I want to punish myself for not being strong enough for both of them. I want to tell myself I'm no good while I do it. I want to punish myself for not being good enough for Max. I want to do it because I'm sitting here breaking down while I should be strong and thinking about how to help them. I want to punish myself for ever having cut at all.
So if you think you can help me... please please do.

I'm sorry to have taken up your time ...

[BlaineG.]

Hi There,


I don't think that its your fault for what happened to your brother. They you set it straight with him is to help him stop and always be there for him to talk about what is going on so he can stop cutting. Make sure he knows that he is always able to talk to you and if he tells you something that is hard for you to hear just take a deep breath a keep listening. If you show a big reaction its going to scare him off and he might not open up to you again. Please do not hesitate to PM me if you need some advise or someone to listen. I will try my best to help you.


Take Care,

AbusedandIgnored

[BlaineG.]

Hi,

You should tell her guidance counselor she doesn't seem to want to talk to you about this and that's okay its all about who she feels comfortable talking about this with and your guidance counselor can help find that person.

[BlaineG.]

Hi There,

I am sorry that this happening to you this must be so hard for you to deal with. I understand how this can be very overwhelming for you I am willing to help you through this.

You can PM me when you have time.