Triggering (SH): My experience today.

[TheBabyEater]

So, it's been a long time since I've posted in this forum, for a few reasons. One, I've pretty much heard all that can be said. Two, I just didn't want to listen to it anymore. But I'm hoping that maybe just one person will read this and think twice about hurting themselves next time.

WARNING: This will be long and probably VERY triggering.

I've been dealing with Self Harm for a few years now, quite a few. Since middle school I suppose, on and off. I'm in college now, so that's a good five or six years down the drain. Summers spent wearing long sleeves, suspicious looks from friends and family when I wore too many bracelets, even ridicule from classmates in the earlier years. Along with Self Harm, of course I've been dealing with severe depression and fear of delusions and hallucinations turning into full blown schizophrenia! There were moments when I had good reason to want to hurt myself, flashbacks from the past, family or friend deaths, ext. And there were moments when I had no reason to hurt myself at all. (granted, there is never ANY reason to, but you know how it is.)

But, long story short, it's recently gotten worse. I won't go into detail why, or the change of instruments used that has made it so much worse, but I think you all can guess or make your own assumptions. Last night I went too deep, and realized it as soon as I made the mistake. Again, no detail, but for anyone out there who has gone to deep, you know how quickly events can change. I covered it up as soon as I noticed, and called my boyfriends dad.

Today was the hard part. This wasn't something I could cover up and forget about. This was something I had to take care of, get real help for it to heal at all, much less properly. Looking back, I should have gone to the hospital immediately, but I'm staying at my aunts house and don't want to bother her. My boyfriend and his dad were insistent on at least doing stitches at home (I don't recommend just anyone doing this, his father is experienced in medicine) but I have had such a bad experience with my first stitches as a kid, I was more insistent on no stitches. The end result, some makeshift butterfly stitches (hyped up bandaids), some peroxide and neosporin, wrap wrap and more wrap to keep it all together.

The worse moment was asking my own loved boyfriend to help hold everything together while his dad taped it up. It was horrifying to even look at, much less imagine if I had to do something like that for my own boyfriend.

I never want to make the two people I love most do something like that again - hold together my arm while they tried everything to... help.


So next time you think about doing something like this - imagine the person you love the most. There is someone, whether you realize it or not, someone out there that loves you. Imagine them having to do something like this. I didn't want to go into detail, but if you're serious about this, go into detail yourself. After experiencing this, I know I'll never ever do something like this again.


Don't let it happen to you

[Bubbles37]

Thanks for sharing, and I'm really sorry you had to go through this. Stay strong <3

[Le bonheur*]

Thank you for sharing this, dear. I understand how you're feeling. My boyfriend had to tape up my wrist once and it was the hardest thing I've ever had him do. I hope you are okay. Stay strong. You can do this. <3

[I'm-moving-on]

Thanks for sharing. Hope you heal well.

[Reverie.]

Thank you for sharing this. I'm really sorry this happened to you and you've had such a hard time. I hope you know, even if you don't want to hear the same advice over and over again, I'm here if you want support. Even if it's just someone to rant at, I'm okay with that. I hope you heal well and get yourself through this.

[TheBabyEater]

Thanks a lot you guys. I'm really okay now though, it was rough at first but we talked about it a lot, I got meds to last me over until my next refill. I'm actually kind of excited to start this whole new "not hurting myself" thing and hopefully helping others to do the same.