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*Lucy* Offline
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Unhappy I don't deserve to live a happy life...... - December 2nd 2011, 01:37 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been selfharming for over a month and I've been trying so hard to stop but even when I don't cut I don't do it for me I do it for my boyfriend and my best friends because they check my arms and it hurts them to see new cuts....I think i'm a horrible person so i can't possibly stop self harming for me....i've made so many horrible choices I can never take back....I'm living in regret and in guilt:
Last year I met a guy and decided to start seeing him not long after we met even though I knew I wasn't really interested in him (he made me laugh and we talked a lot on fb but nothing more) we eventually got closer and after a month we became an official couple and fell in love......months after he got sick...4 tumors...my world fell apart....i cried for weeks spent christmas and new year's eve in a hospital....when they finally brought him home i HAD to be at his house after school everyday and sleep there during the weekends or his parents would track me down and ask me to come over because to them I was his only medicine...the situation got really out of hand..i felt like i was married like it was my job to be next to him everyday...i started questioning our relationship and started noticing that I had never actually loved him and on top of all of these things I met someone I really liked............soon everyone knew I liked someone else and they ALL hated me....I hated myself for what i was feeling.......I couldn't concentrate on my studies and was rude in class so I flunked my senior year of highschool and had to repeat it......that was the moment i realized i had to take control of my life....i broke up with antonio and started a relationship with the guy i had met that i love now i'm sure of it........one of my best friends said i was an egocentric prostitute and decided to never speak to me again and many other minor friends don't even say hi to me anymore.........................so here i am cutting myself over and over again...staring at my scars and not wanting them to heal.... I DON'T DESERVE TO BE HEALTHY.....it's not fair.... I am a horrible person and I'm sure you all thought that reading my story but I had to let it out, write it somewhere I don't even know why it was probably another bad choice........no one can fix me .......I can't defend myself from all of these attacks or stop self harming when I don't even think i'm a good person.....i deserve to suffer......
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Nicole26 Offline
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Re: I don't deserve to live a happy life...... - December 2nd 2011, 10:03 PM

Hey, Yes it was a horrible thing to happen to your ex, but the way his parents and him relied on you to be with him so much wasn't fair on you. Maybe meeting the other guy just made it clear that what you felt towards your ex wasnt what it should be. As if you forced yourself to believe there was something there because you didnt want to be alone or that you felt ashamed for not liking him when his life was falling apart? In the end staying with him was not an option, you would have been living a lie and unhappy. If they were really friends they should have realised this and stopped to think about you too.

Stay strong, and honestly you do deserve to be healthy and happy.
Pm me if you want to chat,

you just need to...
To see who will follow you.

It's not easy to reply to "are you okay?" when you can't remember what okay feels like...
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*Lucy* Offline
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Re: I don't deserve to live a happy life...... - December 3rd 2011, 08:07 PM

thanks for answering.....i still think i'm a bad person but i guess the guilt will fade away with time.....i just don't wanna hurt myself anymore...it's so hard to stop though...
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