I cut sometimes because I feel I deserve it. Other times I cut to release the emotional pain that builds up. I don't cry it out like normal people. I was taught crying is a weakness. I bleed it out trying to prove how strong I am, like Portia from Caesar. I will never heal from all the scars. I've had boyfriends and plenty of friends but i've never felt loved. A long time ago I felt love but not as of late. I'm broken, ruined, unfixable and I don't know what to do.
I'm really glad that you posted because it sounds like you feel quite stuck where you are. You talk about being broken and unfixable, but you posted which to me shows a sign of hope. A sign that even though you might feel as though there's no way out, you still have that hope and will to try and find one which to me makes you a strong person.
You say that you felt loved a long time ago - who made you feel loved? Did anything happen to stop that or to stop you feeling loved from others? You talk about friends and boyfriends, which makes it sound as though you are cared about even if you can't see it.
I'm wondering if you've ever spoken to anyone else about how you feel, or if that's something you'd ever think about doing? I know it's not always easy to ask for help or to talk about feelings, but you've done it here which is a great step to have taken.
You say you cut because you feel like you deserve it, but I don't think you do. You sound like you've got a lot of feelings which you need to let out but those feelings mean you're hurting enough. What do you want to happen? I mean, do you want to find a way to stop cutting?
I'm here if you ever want or need to talk so feel free to PM me at any time, take care.
I am and feel exactly the same way. Seriously I feel like you just described me. Sometimes I just cut because I feel like I deserve it and its the only way I can give myself what I have brought on myself. And like you said then other times I do it because I need to feel pain and I just want to be the one who can give myself the pain. Although I am a cryer. I haven't cried in a while I think because I have cried all my life and it got me no where. Instead of crying I will just cut it feels better then feeling so weak and ashamed of crying.
Anyways I just wanted to tell you this so you know you are not alone. I am always here if you want to talk! Just send me a message and I will answer right away!
And you are not unfixable. None of us are. The only thing that can get us through hard times is hope. You don't want to lose that. The only thing that keeps me here is knowing that it will get better. It will get better for you!
Last edited by Seebeyondthesurface; December 3rd 2011 at 05:03 AM.