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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
My_Hero Offline
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Well, I didn't expect to be back here again.. - December 3rd 2011, 12:22 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey everyone. It's been a while. I haven't come on here since..... April? May? I'm not sure, but it's been a long time.
It sucks that the only reason I'm back is because I'm back to being so totally down and lost that I don't know where else to turn.

I feel so weak. So weak and pathetic. I can't remember the last time I was this disappointed in myself. It's been over three months since I last cut. Over three months, and I had only been triggered once. The rest of the time I never even thought about cutting; Life was so great I didn't need a reason to.

Then today, it just all got to me. I feel like none of my friends give a shit about me anymore. I try so hard not to feel like that, but I do. I feel worthless to all of my friends.
In the past 5 nights, I've slept a total of around 6 hours. I just can't sleep anymore. One of my friends used to talk with me on the phone until I fell asleep, and that worked, but we haven't talked lately. I guess we're both just too busy.
Then school has me going crazy. I can't get everything done because I'm too tired to focus.
Family life has been just horrible. Worst it's been in a long time.
I'm trying to be a strong support for a friend that's in desperate need of a doctor for severe depression.
Then there are all these other random disappointments that really don't matter that much: computer problems, not getting the role I was hoping for in the play, failing a test....

None of it seems like a big deal at all as I sit here and type it all out. It's all stuff I can normally deal with just fine. But today I couldn't.
I walked into the girl's bathroom and used my f'n earring to slice up my arm and stomach until I could stand going to class and facing people.

I can't believe I cut. I can't believe I broke like that. I broke four promises in about five minutes. One to my friend Dan, one to my friend Auroba... and one to myself, and one to God...

I don't hate myself like I used to, but I'm so disappointed in myself and I just don't know what to do.
Cutting felt so good. So right. I instantly felt better once I did it, and that scares me. I don't want to go back to doing this every single day, and I'm afraid I might. I need help.


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~I will survive, I will endure.
When the going's rough, you can be sure;
I'll tough it out, I won't give in. When I'm knocked down I'll get up again.
As long as my dream's alive, I Will Survive~
   
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Re: Well, I didn't expect to be back here again.. - December 3rd 2011, 01:26 AM

Hey there,

You are NOT weak, pathetic, or anything else. Congratulations on making it three months, that was a great accomplishment. Sometimes people relapse, though, but you have to look past the relapses and look to the future, setting goals for yourself to make it a day, a week, a month, etc, without cutting. Try to find other alternatives that work for you that keep you from cutting, like coming up with a hobby, drawing, or writing out what is bothering you. I have found that keeping track of what triggers me helps me out because I can look back on it and figure out how I could have better handled the situation. Or, you can talk to a counselor or other professional on better ways to deal with it and talk about what's going on. They can help you think of skills and ways to avoid these urges and relapses. It is not your fault, though, and you are not a failure because of it. Just stay strong and try to go even longer next time.

Take care,
Dez


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Re: Well, I didn't expect to be back here again.. - December 4th 2011, 01:31 AM

Don't be disappointed. Relapses happen to the best of us. The trick is to just try to move on. To continue the next day with trying not to cut. Take care of the cuts and watch them heal. It happens. The strength is not in never falling, but in rising every time you do.
Get back up and keep going. Everyone will support you. You have not failed until you stop trying.
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