Back to it again. What else is new. It helps me. I know it doesn't but it's a quick fix. Better than other things I could be doing.. :/ Oh well I guess. It'll be better soon..I hope. Always gets better. Hooray for yet another failure.
Failure is not quite the word. As some see this as a quick fix, it really is not. It does not fix anything. It just leaves scars. Facing the problem fixes things. I realize some problems can not necessarily be faced, but if you don't try to move past it, it will always bring you down. Whatever the issue, you are stronger. You have the power to overcome it. Just by you writing the post, it shows that you do not want to do it. Try keeping yourself occupied and removing any sharp object from around you. Listen to music or draw or consult a friend or a relative who will understand and listen. There is always an option not to harm yourself. Realize that you can not change the past, but you can make the future a brighter place to be. No one can stop you from harming yourself, only you can. I know you are strong enough, you just have to believe in yourself and believe there is other ways of dealing with things.
It is definitely not a failure. It may be a relapse, a temporary bump in the road, but you have to look past these relapses and see that it will get better. You are a strong person and I know that, while you did relapse, you can get right back up and continue on. It may be a temporary fix, but, like you said, it is definitely not permanent. Like what was previously mentioned, keeping yourself occupied is a good idea. Develop a hobby or something that works for you, something that you can do when you get triggered like writing or drawing. Just try to look past the relapses and look to the future, make goals, like "I won't self harm all day," and then "I won't self harm for a week," and so on. It makes you proud to know that you have accomplished these goals, and then you strive to go longer.
Went 5 days without until tonight. Back to it again. I can't seem to break this cycle. The depression is growing increasingly worse. I've told my doctor, but there's nothing more she can do for me. She's referred me to a psychiatrist, but I can't see them until February. She got me to gradually come off of the antidepressant I was on because of the adverse effects I was having. Tomorrow will be my first day totally off of them. Exams are this week and I can't concentrate on anything at all. My mind is blank (other than the screams of "Cut! You have to cut!) and I'm numb. I can barely feel it when I cut and it sucks! I don't know what to do anymore. Suicide has crossed my mind repeatedly, but I know how much it hurts everyone and that won't solve anything. I don't want to give up..I want to live! I'm just really lost in a very dark place..
You actually put your finger on something important - self harm is a cycle. If you let it, it can escalate until you lose control of it. Five days without cutting is great, and instead of focussing on slipping up, try to focus on the achievement - five whole days without hurting yourself! If you were triggered during that time, how did you overcome it? If you weren't triggered, why do you think that was? What was different during that time?
It's good you talked to your doctor, and that you got a referral. Unfortunately the waiting times can be quite long, so in the meantime you just have to hold yourself together as best you can. Make sure you take time for yourself, doing things you like to do, rather than letting all the negativity consume you.
As you may have noticed, sometimes when you rely on self harm, it stops working. It feels like it's not enough, which is a dangerous point - because usually by then it's actually too much, and you just can't recognise it. Does that make sense? I'm glad you're leaning away from the idea of suicide, because while it might stop your pain, it will also end your life, and hurt so many people. I know it can seem like the only option when you're in such a dark place, but it's at times like this when you need to look for a light - and if you can't see one, make one yourself.
Okay. Sometimes I speak in metaphors, and I realise they're not always easy to understand, so I'll explain that last one. If you can't see anything to look forward to, then make something. Book something a week or two in advance - an appointment, a concert, whatever works - so that you have something in your future, to take your mind off all the things going on now. If you can't see a reason to keep going, then find one, or make one. Think of all the people who care about you, who want the best for you. Remember that there's always something worth fighting for.
I hope I helped. PM me anytime.
paper is dead without words,
ink idle without a poem,
all the world dead without stories,
without love and disarming beauty.