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katpanda Offline
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This feeling just came out of nowhere... - December 8th 2011, 07:47 AM

I have just been sitting here all afternoon thinking about my life.
I went through depression for 7months last year and used to cut often.
I did it a few times earlier throughout th year and I just got a sudden feeling to do it again. I promised to my boyfriend that I wouldn't do it. I am so upset with my mum not letting me talk to him over the phone or let me go on facebook for awhile. I am so lonely where I live. yeah I have friends, but they aren't people I can really confide in and I need that right now. I just want to run, like I always do when I feel like shit. I want to run and not stop until my legs give out. I want to slice right across my wrist and my legs. I want to drink that bottle of vodka sitting in the kitchen straight until I pass out. I don't want to be in this house anymore. I want to live my life where I have absolute control. Some of you may find this irrational, but really it isn't I have felt this way for a long time and very rarely does it come out from the back of my mind where it is suppressed. The voice inside me says everything that I am sometimes too scared to talk about because I don't know how to put it without sounding stupid and I don't want people to get hurt. I think people would never understand it anyway. My mind is a complicated one. There is times where I just want to suffocate myself. The one way I would ever want to kill myself is by jumping under a train from the platform headfirst, hoping that my head would shatter instantly.
I just want to move away from here.
   
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Re: This feeling just came out of nowhere... - December 8th 2011, 03:22 PM

Been there and I know that the tempation to harm yourself can sometimes get overwhelming when you feel so down on yourself. To be honest, sometimes I don't even know how I made it through. I credit a lot of it to my girlfriend and a few of my closest friends. Phones and email servers were complete life savers because a lot of the people I trusted lived far away. As in I'm in Michigan and my best friend is in Vegas. So it was hard. But once you open up to people it slowly (and I do mean slowly) starts to get better. Finding people that you can confide in can be difficult. And let's face it, it is hard. But speaking as someone who has been there before, I am more than willing to help you in any way that I can, even if that just means staying up at two am to listen to you vent. If you need anything just let me know.
   
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Re: This feeling just came out of nowhere... - December 8th 2011, 11:16 PM

Thank you, I have been through depression before, for 8 months last year and used to cut frequently. This year it seems that feeling keeps coming back out of the blue every couple of months or so.
   
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Re: This feeling just came out of nowhere... - December 10th 2011, 12:48 PM

Have you tried talking to your parents or a professional? Sometimes it can be helpful.
   
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Re: This feeling just came out of nowhere... - December 10th 2011, 01:03 PM

Hi There,

I'm sorry that things are so hard for you right now. I want to start by saying that the way YOU feel is the way YOU feel so if you are feeling like you don't have enough control of your life no one can judge you about the way you feel! I see on your post that you are 16. You mentioned that you want to move out of your house. Is this because someone in your family is abusive or is it because you don't like it where you are? Because if someone is abusing I want you to know that because of your age you have other options if that's the case. Why won't your parents let you talk to your boyfriend or go on facebook?

I must say it is concerning that you are drinking. Is this to relieve stress or are you trying to end your life?

Sorry for all the question I am trying to get an understanding of what you are going through.

Please know I care and you can always PM me if you need to talk!


Take Care,

AbusedandIgnored
   
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Re: This feeling just came out of nowhere... - December 10th 2011, 10:48 PM

I want to move out of home because it is something I have wanted for a very long time. I want to be away from my family and live life the way I want to. I want to be truly happy. To be honest, I am happiest when I am away from my family. My family is not abusive at all. I love them dearly, but it is what I want.

I drink every now and then but lately I just want to drink til I pass out for a whole day. I want to just drown out all the voices in my head that are telling my to hurt myself. I promised to my boyfriend I wouldn't self harm and I want to stick to that.

My mum isn't letting me on facebook because of a mistake I made and they are trying to blame my boyfriend for it. She took my phone aswell and I am hurting so much inside not being able to talk to him as much as I usually do. I get the casually email from him every now and then but it isnt the same. I swear, we are drifitng apart.
My mum says she is looking out for me, all she is doing is hurting me.
She is trying to turn me against my boyfriend and convince me to break up with him.
I wrote another thread and posted it in the Family and Friends forum or whatever it is about whether I should just leave after my graduation and stay with my boyfriend for awhile until i find a place to live, which isnt hard because I have a friend who would take me in or his mum might let me move in there if we all sit and talk about it.
I don't know what to do.
I am sick of being so cut off from speaking to my boyfriend, it is hurting me so much.
   
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