Why won't it go away??

[torturing_myself]

I've SH for over six years... I made it 9 months clean (worst possible thing i could have done)... I always feel horrible and anytime i feel any emotion I have the urge to cut. Why can't I stop. Ive been seeing a counselor but its not helping. I told my stepmom who's the only one i can talk to that ive been having a lot of thoughts about suicide and that I've found myself about to do it multiple times and she just told me that it was taboo and very normal... I feel like im stuck in a cage with no way to get out... I don't know what to do from here anymore. It scares me how much i like/ need to cut and how much I actually want to kill myself.... What am i supposed to do?? Mornings working...

[BlaineG.]

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain you are considering killing yourself!

Do you have any friends you can talk to?
Why do you think that counseling is not working?

You can PM me if you need to talk!


Take Care,

Blaine G.

[Palmolive]

Hi there.

Firstly, going nine months self harm free is absolutely amazing and inspires me as I am sure it does to other people and users here. Well done! I am however, wondering why you don't see that as a positive? You say you want this all to stop but when you actually started beating self harm and went that amount of time with out hurting yourself, you're saying its a bad thing?

You say anytime you have an emotion you feel the urge to cut? Is this regards to all negative emotions, or do you feel this way even with positive emotions such as happiness?

It's really good that you're getting help for the way you feel and the difficulties you have surrounding self harm. Getting help can be really hard to do but it is also really positive and can be really beneficial. I am wondering why you feel as though it isn't helping? Sometimes it can feel this way because going through counseling can make us feel worse before it makes us feel better and happier, but that doesn't mean it;s not working. Sometimes we have to dig into the deep stuff which is bothering us, talk about unpleasant moments and traumatic experiences we've been through which might be causing you to feel this way as well as talk about self harm which is really personal and talk about your emotions which couldn't ultimately trigger those feelings and make you feel worse for a little bit. Counseling is no quick fix. It can can take weeks, months, even years so it's all about sticking with it.

I am glad you felt like you could talk to your step mum but I am really sorry that she reacted the way she did and said that its normal. It isn't normal and it isn't okay. Try talking to someone else. A friend, a teacher or a different family member. People do care for you and they can support you through this. You don't have to suffer alone.

You don't need to cut yourself. Yes at times you may went to, but you don't need it and as hard as it is, ultimately you're the on in control. I've already said this to someone else today but you have to be the change you want to see. If you want to stop self harming, YOU have to stop self harming because people and support you and help you but your actions are yours only. So that means that whenever you get urges to self harm or thoughts of suicide, you stick it out. It's not easy and it might just be one of the hardest things you have ever done and ever will have to do, it's going to take time and it is going to be exhausting, but you can beat this, you honestly can. Do what ever it takes, read until you fall asleep at night, cry until you have got no more tears or scream until your heart contents. Do anything (safe) until the urges pass.

I hope this helps. Take good care.
Jessie

[TheCrowing]

It may stay with you for a while, but just know that you made it that long without SHing. That's amazing. Sometimes when you're used to doing something for so long, your mind makes that connection every time you feel a similar emotion. I too have been struggling with SH for a little over 6 years, and I still feel it almost every day. But it's a matter of being strong and knowing that you can survive. The feelings you're getting aren't necessarily normal, but you're more or less used to feeling that way.

Try taking a new approach to the whole thing. Look at these feelings with new eyes, in a sense. Why do you feel like the need to do it? Why do you feel like you're trapped? Think of the people that support you, and go to them when you need it. Explain exactly how you feel to your stepmom, because she may not fully understand where you are coming from. There's no reason to feel truly trapped. You pinpointed the way you could escape it all, but did you think about an alternative escape plan? Taking your own life is not the answer. SH isn't either. There are better things to do, and if you don't want to stop for yourself, stop for others.