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Name: Izzy
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Unhappy I don't know what to do anymore :( - December 22nd 2011, 09:53 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I really don't know where to start. I don't even know if I will really post this, I just want to try something to stop the cutting urges and I thought maybe talking (well writing) it may help. I don't know really maybe if I look at my problems in writing it will help.

I haven't been self harming for long but it's become so much worse recently. I haven't self harmed in a few days now but everything is triggering me. Things that made me happy a few days ago are wanting to make me cut now. It isn't all the time but it suddenly hits me and it's awful. I'm getting upset of the stupidest things, like dropping a pen. I just want to be able to deal with it without having to self harm!

I guess it was my friends arguing that set this off. The fight was about a boy and that's all I will say about it. The point is I'm stuck in the middle of it. Again. I'm just so scared of being rejected I never, ever get into fights with anyone. I just shut up and agree with them. But this means every fight I'm stuck in the middle of. I always have people crying to me about their problems - which really doesn't help my self harm. I just don't think I can cope with helping them anymore. It just sets me off. I try to avoid them when they tell me they are feeling sad now, I just cannot deal with it. There's one friend who only feels okay talking to me and I feel so bad when i don't help her but I just can't.

I just have no one to talk to or ask about anything I'm struggling with. I can honestly say in the six years I have known my friends I have never asked them for advice about anything, so I can't start by suddenly saying I self harm. I don't really want them to know to be honest. I just want to get over it by myself. I can't ask anyone for help. I don't know why, I've never been able to.

I can't talk to my parents either because they won't understand. I've always been pretty stressed and snappy around them, it's all my anger from my friends and school which I can't release any other way. Well apart from self harm but it doesn't help me that much. My dad is also a psychologist so it does hurt me a lot when he hasn't noticed his daughter is in pain. I don't talk to my family about problems either, we aren't a close family. We don't hate each other and my parents don't argue that often but it's the lack of family love and support that really hurts me. Even though my dad has never said it to my face I know he doesn't think I can do my dream job (I don't want to say what it is incase anyone else thinks I can't do it either)

I'm not self harming for the pain, it doesn't bother me. I'm doing it for the marks after. I just like knowing they are there, when I touch them it's like I'm releasing my pain. It like for the first time in my life I have control over something, no one know about it and I can do whatever I want with it.

I just want to get back where I was a few months ago. Everything was perfect and now it's all gone because a stupid fight between some friends pushed me over the edge. All of my friends are annoying me now as well, they are just so childish. I don't want to be laughing and joking around when I'm so hurt inside.

I think it has helped to write that. I feel a little better sort of knowing what is causing it. Thank you anyway if you did read all of this, it probably doesn't make sense but it helped me anyway. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Hugs to everyone

Reach for the moon,

If you fall you'll land among the stars
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Re: I don't know what to do anymore :( - December 26th 2011, 02:58 PM

Hey Izzy,

Its been a few days since you posted this, so I wanted to quickly stop in and see how things were going for you. I'm glad you decided to post - I think you're right, even as an end in itself and not a means to an end (that is, using typing about what you're feeling) can help, at least temporarily and hopefully beyond that.

It sounds like you need to take a step back from always being your friends' "go-to" gal for advice and start focusing a bit more on yourself. I know this is easier to say than to do, but honestly, things aren't going to change as long as you're giving all your energy away; its not selfish to save some energy and care for yourself. (: If you ever need to unload or unpack some of the things your friends have shared with you that you just don't want to bear alone, please know that we're here and that we'll listen.

I used to think that strength meant independence and doing things by oneself, but I learned about a year ago that I think there's also a magnificent amount of strength to be found in throwing out your red "help me" flag and asking for the help you need and deserve. Asking your friends for their support certainly doesn't make you weak, and may even be necessary for your recovery! Its hard to walk this path without the support of friends and family, Izzy, and it sounds like, from how much your friends obviously care about you, that you don't HAVE to walk this path without their support and that they'd want to help you if they knew what was going on!

As far as your family goes, I can see where you're coming from about you feeling as though your dad isn't seeing that you're in pain. Sometimes, though, you kinda gotta give them a few more hints. It seems like you're trying to hide, right now... and you don't have to do that. (: As far as your future and your dream job goes, my favorite quote (the one I have in my signature, too) is an Eleanor: "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams," not "the future belongs to those whose parents believe in the beauty of their dreams." If you have a goal, make it happen. Obviously there's a balance to be found between being realistic and dreaming, but I think its possible to find that balance, especially for someone as bright as yourself.

I do encourage you to reach out and seek professional help, though, whether or not your dad is in the profession. You deserve the help. I think its a really wonderful thing that you've realized that part of why you're self harming is because you find that you have a sense of control there that you're missing in other parts of your life. Seriously... realizing our self-motivators for unhealthy behaviors is a BIG part of changing those unhealthy behaviors - kind of battling the music behind the words. (:

At any rate, Izzy, take good care of yourself and keep us posted on how you're doing. I'll be sending positive thoughts your way.

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Re: I don't know what to do anymore :( - December 27th 2011, 01:51 PM

Thanks for your comment Katrina (:
I slipped yesterday but I had managed not to self harm at all since I posted that apart from yesterday which I'm really pleased with because I really wanted to (I didn't thanks to the ways to distract yourself on here!) I know it won't be easy to stop so I'll just have to except the times when I do and move on from there. I'm thinking about maybe speaking to one of the teachers at school when I go back in January. Do they have to tell my parents though? That's the only thing stopping me from talking to someone about it! (I can't go to my doctors without my parents)

Hugs to everyone

Reach for the moon,

If you fall you'll land among the stars
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