I cant do this anymore... -
January 1st 2012, 09:32 PM
This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.
I was cut free for a few days. It was New Years Eve yesterday. We had a nice family over. My dad was cutting a board game open with a knife. He left the knife on the table for what seemed like hours. I couldnt stand it. All I could feel was the cool blade against my wrist. I clutched my arm. I had to excuse myself. I did it again... I'm so ashamed... I just need help to get me through this but there's nowhere to turn... I just hate seeing other families that are so healthy, happy and together. I've read the alternative list here but... If you've been a victim of self harm, you'll know how it feels hopefully.. I don't just see the knife and say, "Oh! Lets go draw and bake cookies!" Its not that easy... I wish it was.. ;(
Re: I cant do this anymore... -
January 1st 2012, 09:36 PM
I am sorry that you have relapsed, but what matters is that you can get past it and stay strong. This is a temporary setback, but with a lot of perseverance, it will get better. If you want help, is there any chance that you are able to write a letter to someone asking for it? Sometimes you are able to get things out in a letter that you would be too afraid to say to someone's face. Or, if you're not ready for that, try writing down what you are feeling as you are feeling it and what you are doing at the time that the feelings strike. That way, when you are feeling better, you can look back on it and see what makes you happy, sad, mad, triggers you, etc, and you can work on it from there. Talking it out to someone (Whether it is a friend, family member, someone on Live Help,) etc, can also work because not only can they distract you from the thoughts, but sometimes you realize alternatives or triggers that you had never thought of before. I'm always here for you if you need it, please stay strong.
Re: I cant do this anymore... -
January 1st 2012, 10:04 PM
I'm sorry you have relapsed, however I wanted to tell you that recovery from self harm is not at all about one day thinking I'm going to stop hurting myself and then never doing it again. There's going to be pain and hurt along the road and you're still going to get urges from time to time, especially at first. But it's not about you relapsing, at all. It's about you turning this negative relapse, in to something positive, using it to make you stronger and you starting over again. I think it's fair to say alot of people in recovery have a relapse at some point, but it doesn't make them weak or mean that this is who they are and that they're never going to beat it at all.
It's not mean to be 'easy' to distract yourself and at times you mighr feel like you actually don't want to distract yourself, but at the end of the day only you are in control of your actions, only you can stop you from hurting yourself and only you can make yourself use distractions and if you want to beat this, then that's what you have to do, even if it isn't easy. I'm not at all saying that you distracting yourself is going to make it all better because it's not going to take away the underlying issues triggering you to feel this way, but either is the self harm. However, distractions will take your mind of it, once you get in to what ever distraction you use, it will make you think about other things, maybe help you socialize, maybe help you find a new hobby but most importantly, they are going to help you beat self harm and the urges. It's going to be hard and at times it might feel impossible, but it's not and you can beat them.
However, it's important that you don't just use distractions but that you do work through what is causing you to feel so low you want to hurt yourself and for you to look at these things in a different way. Are you getting any help and support with this?
I hope this helps. Look after yourself, you're worth it.
But there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark,
You should know you're beautiful just the way you are,
And you don't have to change a thing,
The world could change its heart,
No scars to your beautiful,
we're stars and we're beautiful...
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Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016 always in my thoughts. Never to be forgotten.