little black book of secrets

[*Learningtobreathe*]

i did something
i promised, no swore to God
i wouldn't do again
but i was so hurt
i needed to get my pain
on the outside
away from my heart

i cut

and i enjoyed it
this is a confession
to my little black book
of secrets

i'm sorry
not for doing it but
for enjoying it

i love the pain
it lets me know i'm
alive
but i wish i didn't
need it

i'm struggling to force the walls of the cage out, out, out! i'm trying to force something the size of mt. everest into a match box. my monster is stronger than i imagined. she's everywhere. my innocence cowers in fear as i fight with my demons on the edge of as razor. i slip, i'm falling. another cut is made and my demon wins again. the scars of these battles are so clearly written on my arms. every loss every day i fight it. sometimes i win. but mostly i lose.

[klh94]

Nakita, I am so sorry. I know what its like to feel like you're fighting a losing battle. You try and you try and you try, but nothing ever seems to help until you feel the blade slide into your skin like butter. And for a while, it helps. But then you look back and realize that a whole new problem has emerged, your arm is covered with the scars of your lost battle and you're scared. Believe me, I've been there. After I lost my baby about a year ago, shortly after I lost my grandfather, I felt so numb. Like nothing was attaching me to this world anymore, I needed to feel something real because everything else felt like a nightmare. So I picked up my father's exacto knife and let it slice my arm. That felt real. I was bleeding, and I could control it. I could finally control something. It took me months to realize that I couldn't control it, that I hadn't ever had control of it, from the moment that blade touched my skin it controlled me. Not the other way around. So I begged my mom to take me to the therapist, and I told her how scared I was, and I showed her my arms. She rushed me there without hesitation. I've been on the road to recovery for a few months now. And the recovery feels real, the recover I CAN control. I CAN make myself better. And so can you. You just need to reach out for help. I hope this helped some, please, if you ever need someone to talk to, if you ever just need a friend, please shoot me a message. I've been there and I hate to see others suffering the same way I was.
~~Krissy~~

[*Learningtobreathe*]

The battle rages longer, its harder to fight it. my heart is breaking but i can't stop the way i feel. i can't do anything right except cut. i have been clean for about 3 weeks but its getting harder to fight it. the urges are too strong.

[klh94]

I know its hard to fight but you need to keep trying. I know how hard it is and I know sometimes it feels like you should just throw in the towel, but there are people out there that are willing to help. I'm one of them. If you ever need anything just let me know. I'm more than willing to talk day or night.

[*Learningtobreathe*]

thanks krissy. I have found someone worth fighting for. he's sweet, funny, kind, and he cares about me more than i care about myself. i am willing to stop cutting for him. if he will stop for me. we are fighting it together, and each day we get stronger.

[klh94]

That's really great Nakita!

[*Learningtobreathe*]

is it really? i feel like maybe its too clingy and selfish. i feel like i'm needy when i talk to him about some of these problems. i love him so much and i want him to know that i'm fighting for him.

[klh94]

Originally Posted by fallenangelofanger

is it really? i feel like maybe its too clingy and selfish. i feel like i'm needy when i talk to him about some of these problems. i love him so much and i want him to know that i'm fighting for him.

It really is, it isn't selfish to need someone, everyone needs someone. Everyone needs that light at the end of the tunnel that somehow makes it all worth fighting for. How do you feel needy? I don't think that you really have a problem unless he mentions it. If he doesn't mention it then I think you're safe. Telling him that he's the reason that you're fighting may be a little too forward though, so until you're sure of how he'll react you may want to hold off on saying things like that. How long have the two of you known each other/been together? Maybe telling him that you love him can be a step in the right direction. I really hope that everything works out. You can PM me anytime that you need to talk about it, since now our whole conversation is public on this forum. I'm here if you ever need to talk.

[*Learningtobreathe*]

lol yeah. cool. its just sometimes i feel down and when i talk about it i feel worse. i feel like i'm laying my heart out so someone can stomp on it. the scars make me feel weak. i feel selfish because i talk to people about it who have problems of their own. i wish i could control it, i wish i didnt have these urges to cut up my arms. i feel ugly and worthless. i feel like shit alot of the time. but when i talk to him the darkness fades away and all thats left is light.