I Just Dont Know...

[BillieGirl]

I have been cutting nearly 4 years I haven’t cut for the last 2 months almost three, but I can fell it slipping I don’t want to go back to that life again I was unhappy and frustrated and I fell like since I have stopped I have grown up a little learnt not to take the things I have for granted. I know I have difficulty expressing myself I either keep it to my self or I have to say it in the heat of an argument.

One of my best friends started self harming and she stopped, I’m so proud of her, and I don’t feel I can talk to her about this because I’m so ashamed of myself for feeling this way, most of my teenage life my coping was cutting and now I haven’t got that I feel more frustrated and angry. I know that I have people who care about me in my life but sometimes its not enough.

Everyday I tell myself I’ll do it tomorrow just wait till tomorrow, I know it probably isn’t the most healthy way of dealing with it but it help, I know on day it might not be enough to wait till tomorrow.
My mum and dad have separated, I live with my mum during the week and my dad at the weekend, I love both my parents to pieces. My mum has a new boyfriend I have no problem what so ever with him, he’s nice and kind.

My dad on the other hand is a drug user so is my sister, that’s probably one of the main reasons she lives with him. I hate going to his so much, I have always been taught what’s right and wrong, and knowing one of my parents is in the wrong upsets me very much, but because he works and pays for it himself its alright, does that make hurting myself ok? If no one ever finds out I’m doing it again?

Everyday I push myself, I dropped out of college because it was hard and I never even wanted to do that course, I wanted to do forensic science which I cant start till the new school year in September but I guess at least in going for a goal this time.

I don’t know what’s going on in my own head anymore, since I have stopped cutting very things become hazy like a dream, I have become so much more of and angry person and I just want to know that’s normal that I’m not falling.

Its my birthday soon and all I can really think about is the next time I can cut and hide it from them all, now my emotions are crazy and I cant seem to control them. I took me three years to tell my mum about my self harming and all she ever did was say don’t do it again, told me that it was my fault as I kept my self isolated.

I just want to know its ok to fall, as long as I pick myself back up.
Thanks for reading my rants
Billie

[Blair]

Billie, honey, I can't say I know exactly how you feel because there is, of course, only one you. I'm not trying to pretend that I've lived your life or felt your pain, but I do know how it feels to cut, get better, and then go back. I also understand what it's like to hide things like this because you feel scared and ashamed of yourself. My best friend also quit cutting permenantly. She's been almost a year free of it. I still mess up all the time and it feels like I can't tell her but really I know I can. She, like your friend, understands how it feels to want to cut in a way that most people will never be able to which means that she can be there for you on a much deeper level than anyone else. Instead of saying you'll cut tomorrow, maybe when you get up in the morning you can commit to not cutting just for that day. Worrying about the future is too overwhelming. When I try to tell myself I'll never cut again it seems impossible and I freak out and stress. But for one day I can handle that. So I take it a day at a time. Worry about tomorrows problems tomorrow. When even that gets to be too much you can take it hour by hour. Also, it helps to let people in. It's hard obviously, but when you can't trust yourself, you need someone you can trust and the only way that person can be there for you is if you tell them what's going on. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to vm/pm me

[minniemouseprincess]

Hun, you sound like such a beautiful and wonderful girl. I am SO sorry this is happening to you=( Its gonna be okay though, I know it is. I want to start off by saying GOOD GIRL for going so long without cutting! That is wonderful!! It is SO hard for people to stop, even for a week sometimes. So that is a huge milestone and you should be very proud. You can def. keep it going if you are really determined to do so. Don't lose that determination and don't ever lose hope. You WILL get through it. My mom always says, no matter what the thing is, you can get through anything in your life. You will, I believe in you. Think of it this way, you have come THIS far. How many can say they have come that far? I think Blair also brought up some good points like don't worry about the future. Live for that day and only that day. Think about tomorrow tomorrow. I also agree with her when she says to let people in. Thats a necessity although it can be a difficult one. Just let the people in that you really feel like you can trust. Who you know loves you and will be there for you every step of the way. Someone you know that will help you. It is SO good that you have been pushing yourself to get better. Thats exactly what we want. But yes, it is okay to fall. When you recover from something, there are fall backs. They are pretty much promised. But just because you slipped up, that doesn't mean you can never be better again. Just don't give up, thats the most important thing. Cause when you give up, all hope is lost. Hold onto that hope Billie, hold onto it with everything you have. Its whats gonna keep you going. Want to tell you one more thing before I go, Please dude, don't hurt yourself because of your families choices. It is not your fault that they make the choices they make. You do not control their lives, they do. I understand that you love them very much, thats very nice and very good. But don't think to yourself "Im the reason why they do this" cause thats not true. They have their own reasons, some that nobody may ever know. But they still love you and you will always be theirs. You just need to also know you are not at fault for anything. If you ever need to talk, I am here. I dont come on too much but when I do see your message, I will reply asap.