I love my scars

[Childish Giggle]

So right now I have gone 4 days and 22 hours without cutting. And I have been surprisingly calm during this time. Like bare minimum urges that can be fought easily. One reason I think is that I gave myself scars everywhere. On both my arms and both my legs. And they make me feel so much better. I feel like I have let the mental scars out by making them physical scars. Like I am letting everyone see a big part of me. Though there is only one visible scar at the moment as it is winters. Still, I can't wait for summers and wear short sleeves and let the scars show. I feel better having it where everyone can see it. Because I am tired of hiding everything inside. And I suck at telling people because I am horrible in trying to tell what I feel about things. Even writing this thread, trying to express how I feel about the scars if so difficult. I find it difficult to put my feelings into words. It is a horrible struggle. >_<
I don't know where all this is going. I just feel so weird. Like I don't even know what I am feeling, what I want. Its all so messy. And just a few minutes ago I was in the "Lets just tell mom" mode and as I was trying to think about what will happen then, a thought came that I'll get some help from a professional (other than my school counselor to whom I don't reveal everything, but thats for another thread) and I'll be better. And instead of going WOOHOO! I was like NO! I don't know that alien feeling. This is all I have ever known. I am clinging to this feeling. But on the other hand it IS making me feel horrible, confused, messy. I just feel SOOOO LOST!!!! I don't know where I belong anymore!! >_<

[Iris. ♥]

Okay, let me see if I can make sense of what you're feeling. Let me know if it sounds about right. You love your scars because they're a reminder of everything that you have fought through. But, at the same time, they're a safety blanket for you and you don't want to get professional help because it'll take away that sense of comfort you get from your scars?

[alex2010]

Hmmmmm......I'm not sure what to say. On one hand I feel like I can relate to you, but on the other I feel like I can't. But from what I can tell you are full accepting of your scars, which is good thing, because it shows that you have the courage to step out of the darkness and hidden world of self injury. You also (like me) don't care what others think of your scars as they are a reminder of your past and have made you who are today. Does sound correct?

[Squiggly]

I think I partly understand what you are saying. I kind of feel the same way. It has been almost 2 years since I cut but I still have scars. They are quite faded now but you can still see them and they are just like a regular part of me now and I don't care who see's because it is in my past and it shows what I wen't through. I agree with the part about "letting the mental scars out by making them physical" Back when I used to cut that was one of the ways I used to think of it. The reason it makes you feel better is because you are letting it out.

[Childish Giggle]

Originally Posted by Iris. ♥

Okay, let me see if I can make sense of what you're feeling. Let me know if it sounds about right. You love your scars because they're a reminder of everything that you have fought through. But, at the same time, they're a safety blanket for you and you don't want to get professional help because it'll take away that sense of comfort you get from your scars?

I am trying to make sense of that what you said. I don't know how I feel so its kinda difficult.
I won't say "I have fought through" because i don't see myself that way. I just let everything kill me slowly and gradually. The scars have soothed me and calmed me a bit. I feel better after letting go and cutting and getting scars. They are not a safety blanket, but they are a familiar feeling. Its how I have felt all my life. Right now I want to drown in this feeling. Getting better will e a foreign feeling for me. I am afraid to feel that way and loose this feeling, the way I am feeling now.
If you have read Julius Caesar, the part of Anotony's monoloquoy (I can't remember the spellings) The way he describes Caesar's wounds is how I feel about them sometimes. LIke they are trying to say something. As I am horrible with expressing how I feel, this method does that job pretty well.

[Childish Giggle]

Originally Posted by alex2010

Hmmmmm......I'm not sure what to say. On one hand I feel like I can relate to you, but on the other I feel like I can't. But from what I can tell you are full accepting of your scars, which is good thing, because it shows that you have the courage to step out of the darkness and hidden world of self injury. You also (like me) don't care what others think of your scars as they are a reminder of your past and have made you who are today. Does sound correct?

I started cutting because I wanted scars. I accepted them before I got them. Yeah I don't care what others think. I am sick and tired of keeping things inside and lying that I am okay. I just want it to show now! And I can't put into words so I go for the "Actions speak louder than words".

[allow_me]

I know the 'I should just tell someone, then everything will be better' feeling. I used to bounce back and forth between that almost daily. I haven't cut since October which isn't very long, but it feels like it's completely in the past now. I don't know if you're looking for advice on that bit or not, but personally when I told my mom nothing really changed. If you get a therapist or something that might be good, or if you have someone to talk to, but I never did so I can't really speak on that.
As for the wanting to wear your scars, I'm a little... eh. I don't like it when people cut because 'it's cool' or whatever. It sounds to me like possibly you're just wanting to flaunt them for the attention? But I could absolutely be wrong, and I don't mean that as an insult at all. I do like my scars (well, sometimes) I just think you're going about it wrong if that's why you want them.
I think the best thing you could do is find a friend or parent or someone you can talk to (everyone says this. It's kind of annoying) and try your luck there first. A real friend will accept what you do and try and help you out. Either way, good luck to you. (:

[Childish Giggle]

Originally Posted by allow_me

As for the wanting to wear your scars, I'm a little... eh. I don't like it when people cut because 'it's cool' or whatever. It sounds to me like possibly you're just wanting to flaunt them for the attention?

Excuse me? I can't believe you just said that! I think I clearly mentioned that I want them to show because I am sick and tired of hiding things! If that is not enough for you then here- Yes I do it for attention! But not because I want to look friggin cool! But because I am sick of the fake smile! I am sick of laughing, because I am not happy even when I do laugh on a joke! I am sick of lying that "I am okay" when I so am not! The attention I want is not to look cool, but so that people SEE, that I am not as happy as I may look to them! So that they see that I.AM.NOT.HAPPY. You could have cared to read my whole post properly before replying you know! I know you wanted to help but you ended up making me feel worse than I already do! And seriously, NEVER again say that to a person who self harms. Especially when you yourself do it and you should know that we are not some sort of freaks looking for attention to look "cool" !!!
Seriously, go back up and read the whole thing that I posted! Did you even get to the part where I said things about mental scars?! I am not THAT bad at expressing my feelings you know!

[blumemusik♫]

Hey lovely
Part of me totally understands what you mean. You have your scars as proof you're not okay, and you want others to see that. And that's okay. You're allowed to show how you feel. But I'll be honest with you - it might be best to TELL others, rather than just display your scars.
I can't say I love my scars, because I don't. And nobody else has actually seen them, because I'm a little embarrassed of them. But at the same time, I don't think I'd worry too much if someone DID notice, because as you said, it's a way of getting help. I just wouldn't go about it like that. I think it would be much better if you could tell someone you trust, because it might be even more shocking and upsetting for THEM if they just saw your scars.
I do hope things get better for you. You don't deserve this, I'm here for you <3

[Meg Toast]

The scars are now part of who you are, so I suppose to love them is part of loving who you are. Ffrom that point of view, it is alright, if you ask me.

[allow_me]

I'm sorry, I honestly didn't mean it in a rude way. I guess there really isn't a nice way to say that though so I shouldn't have. I did read your entire post, It just sounded like that could be it from how you wrote. I really did not mean to offend you.

I think possibly because I'm still not comfortable with showing mine off I just assumed that you were doing it for attention. I like to keep myself covered lest anyone decides to pry a little. I also don't want to remind my parents of it because I'm embarrassed by it. I'll admit I've worn shorter sleeves and clothes that will show them off on occasion just to see how it feels but usually I end up getting embarrassed and covering them if I feel like people might see them.

I think it's good that you love yourself enough to not want to hide it. I've been told some pretty shit things about self harm before too, coming from my friends when they didn't even know I did it so I am really really sorry that I hurt your feelings. Keep up the good work, stay clean. (:

[lovatoac]

I actually feel the exact same way. Sometimes I cut because I can't imagine life without it. But I do love my scars and would show them off if it didn't make my mom cry. I don't want my scars to ever leave me, but not because it shows the battle I fought, just because I love them.

I'm just saying, I know what you feel like. I thought I was the only one tht felt like this.