Triggering (SH): I'm an idiot-please reply asap

[keep.calm.and.carry.on]

All I want to do right now is stab myself in the leg, or cut so deep I need stitches again. The thing is, it's partly procrastinating, because I really need to do homework and then sleep, and there's a lot going on right now.
And I know I shouldn't.
I know that.
But I just, it's been so long fighting the urge.
And know that now is the time to call the helplines, but I can't. And I can't call a friend although part of me wants to.
And part of me just wants to cut and ignore any replies on this thread. And the psychiatrist is not going to be impressed. No one is going to be impressed.
It's been more than a month and a half since I last cut. It's a new year, I don't want to "bloodstain" it. I just, I really want to cut. Or stab, switch it up, maybe I can not count that?

[Palmolive]

hey there. I'm really sorry that things are hard for you right now. I hope that i'm not too late replying and that this helps you in some way. I dont really know what's going on for you right now but if you want to talk to us about it then you're welcome to do so. You're not alone in this. What is it about self harming which you feel that helps you? I know beating the urges can be really hard, i honestly do. But if you want to overcome self harm then you have to keep fighting them. Its not going to be easy but if it was easy then you wouldnt learnm anything from it. As hard as it is you can beat these urges. You're in control of your actions and you can do this. You're worth so much more than self harm and the pain you would be inflicting upon yourself. Self harming isn't going to help. Not in reality. You can hurt yourself as much as you want too but the underlying problem is still going to be there meaning that the urges are probaly only going to come back which makes self harming kind of pointless. Keep yourself distracted and your mind focused. You can do this. Dont stop fighting. Jessie