Female Advice Preferred: I like the pain but I hate the process

[Pained]

Ive it a thing for pain. I crave it, want it, need it. Ive self harmed for about 9 years and I'm 17. I don't know what it we back then just a way I felt better. I cut for about a year until it was too much for my boyfried to handle and I swore Id stop. I didn't harm for about a month and I was just angry all the time and upset over everything. Bad feelings and thoughts kept creeping up and I didn't know what to do because I turned to cutting for a long time.
So I eventually ended up taking the thing on windows you turn to open and close blinds and last night I beat my leg with it. Not real hard but repetitive enough to bruise, split my skin and swell significantly

I feel renewed. I feel happy nd calm and less stressed. I slept amazing and I woke up and hit the same spot until it swelled again. When I walk it hurts and I feel a sense of pride. I know it's bad though and I want to learn how to cope without pain. Pains all I've ever known to feel better and it's a sense of comfort. I know I need help. How do I stop even though I like it?

I began hating the way I look and I was deciding to starve myself to be skinnier. But I know that's extreamly dangerous so that's web I turned to harming myself.

Part of me doesn't want to stop because it's all I know but I want to change, I don't like being angry all the time.

[SoraKat]

Hey there.. I know how you feel.

since pain is all you have known you feel unable to go without it... i really suggest getting a psycologist and talking to a professional. They can help if you get a good one, who actually knows what they are talking about. :P

I started starving too... im trying to not for a bit :P

[Unfortunate]

Hello,
I can completely understand what you are saying. But its not a good release to have. Do you have any hobbies you like to do?
Keep yourself as busy as possible, it helps i promise. Or tell someone about this. Just like Sora said.

If you ever need support of advice, im always here. <3