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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Linds Offline
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Name: Lindsey
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Lost, confused, hurting, scared to death! - February 28th 2012, 03:35 PM

I know I'm simply being a baby about this but I honestly have no idea how I'm going to handle this. I know you're probably eondering what the heck is bothering me so badly and once I tell you you'll think it's not a big deal and I'm over reacting. I just needed to ge tthis out. If you have advice it is greatly welcomed if you don't and you just took the time to read this, thank you for your time. Well here goes nothing.
I found out Sunday that my fiance, who I love dearly, is leaving for the military in TWENTY-TWO days! I've known him since I was little and I've alwasy known he was going into the military, but I NEVER thought I would marry a military man!(I'm more of the care free, live free spirit) Well ever since I figured this out I've been so tempted to burn again. I haven't burned in a year and two months but the need to is ever present in my life right now. Now I know you're thinking, she's being a baby about this tons of women and men deal with their fiances/wives/husbands/boyfreinds/girlfriends leaving for the military. I also know I signed up for this when I said yes but it still scares the mess out of me. I'm currently away at school and my time with him is already limited thanks to that and now he's leaving and I won't get to see him for SEVEN months. No communication except letters for the first FOUR months and then letters and THREE minute phone calls once a week after that. I know I should be satisfied with what I get but I just don't know how I can go from talking to him for hours on the daily basis and seeing him on the weekends to barely anything at all. I know that makes me sound like a spoiled little brat but it honestly scares me to be alone because I'm not sure if I can handle the urges by myself. He's told me that if I do any self harm again(cutting, burning, punching walls, not eating, or making myself throw up after meals) that he is going to get me help and he'll most likely not talk to me for a while. That scares me as well. He's at workouts right now and all I can think about is burning. Burning the pain away. I'm scared that I own't be strong enough to handle him being gone and everything else in my life. People tell me all the time that I'm so strong and he couldn't of picked a better girl to be with because I'll be strong for him. I'M NOT STRONG!!!!!!!! I'm am a scared little girl that this lost, confused, hurting, scared, and alone! I need to talk to him but the words won't come out. I can't bring myself to say "I want to burn, bad. I feel like I need it" I can't bring myself to do that to him since he's about to leave. He has bigger things to worry about than me relapsing. Last night I had the chance to buy a new lighter I had it in my hands until the last minute. I put it down because I don't want him to be mad at me before he leaves. I would hate for him to leave and be angry with me and not talk to me. Does the not talking confuse anyone else? Or s it just me that doesn't get it?

Sorry I know this was kind of long but I needed to get it out. Sorry if I sound like a spoiled little girl..
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Lost, confused, hurting, scared to death! - February 29th 2012, 03:58 PM

Lindsey,

Congratulations for putting down that lighter at the last minute. That takes courage my friend. You are not a baby. I can't even imagine what you are going through. Not seeing someone you love and have relied on for so long must make you feel lost and alone. But remember, you are not! If he has said he will get you help if you start doing it again, maybe you should think about getting help now to KEEP you from doing it. Over a year of SH free is a huge accomplishment and you need to keep that in the back of your mind whenever you feel the urge. Make a list of alternatives that work for you. Make a list of people that love you and don't want you to hurt yourself. If all else fails, write a letter to him. Knowing he may not get it for a while will maybe help you be able to spill out everything so that you will feel better. Do not feel like you have to do this alone. I'm sure many other members of yours and his family are feeling the same way. Ask them. Talk to them about it. This will be a difficult challenge for you but at the same time it will prepare you for other things that may come up in the future in your relationship. You do not sound spoiled you are not a brat, you are allowed to have emotions. If you feel you can't tell him, tell someone else, just don't keep it inside. Spend what time you can with him now and cherish the moments you have. Know how much he loves you and you will see him again. I'd be happy to keep in touch with you and see how you are doing so please don't hesitate to PM me.

Keep your head up and stay strong, you can do it!
Alessa


Whatever it is, chances are I've been there.
If I can make it out, you can too.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Linds Offline
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Name: Lindsey
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: Ms

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Join Date: October 8th 2010

Re: Lost, confused, hurting, scared to death! - February 29th 2012, 04:42 PM

Thank you for the advice. The lsit ideas are great I've never though of them before. I'm currently working on getting the courage to tell him. ASking for help roght now doesn't seem like the best idea to me I don't know if I can talk to someone face to face. Thank you for all the help you've given me.
   
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