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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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MusicMaker
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When I'm Alone - March 8th 2012, 12:59 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have to say The idea for self harming came from my friend. It sounds horrible but it's true. He told me that he would cut and burn himself. To run away from reality and hide in this place where nothing can harm you. I feel even more worse because I got him to stop doing it.

But, now I do it. I would get depressed and being the kind of person I am people notice when I am. They ask questions and make a big deal. During 7th and 6th grade I would have emotional break downs were I would cry for no reason and seem to sob my brains out. Eventually during my classes I started scratching myself and eventually tried cutting myself with the spiral out of a notebook. I couldn't do it.

However, in 8th grade, I was home alone. My sister was at a friends and my mom was at the gym. I was depressed and having horrible thoughts. I wanted to bottle them inside, but knew that my time for having a break down was coming up soon. I began to have breathing spasms and couldn't stop shaking. I exhaled and relaxed before even realizing that I was taking a razor across my wrist. As the blood seeped out I would watch it slide down my wrist.

I felt horrible that I did it, but deep down inside it felt good. I felt relief.

It's been 3 years now and I am in 10th grade. Sometimes when I cut its deep and other times it's just so it stings when I move. But, now it depends on my mood and I scare myself because I also think I have anger problems. So when I cut I get aggressive on myself. Either before or after I cut I would slam my arms and legs into walls making them bruise. I would smack myself to say no don't cut or if I did cut I could do it to say you fool why did you do it. I know that when I get older I am going to regret and look down at my wrist and see scars that are never going to go away. I will look at them and see the pain that I faced and the pain that I am still feeling right now.

Even though I am the youngest I always felt I had to protect my sister and my mother. My father wasn't a nice man he would occasionally strike or just scream. He was mostly only mean to my mother. He would call her horrible names and slap her. Sometimes he would leave all not and not come home. I was young then and didn't really understand where he went to and if he was ever coming back. I guess typing this I am realizing maybe that when people leave me alone all by myself I feel maybe I will be sitting in this dark corner forever.

And even sometime when I am near other people I feel totally alone. That people see me as this happy person who makes all the jokes and doesn't have any problems. But, I am suffering in a dark room where all the doors are locked and scary monsters try to devour me and try to drag me into utter depression.

I feel I must always stay strong and the only way is to self harm. It has become something that I have to do or I get this kind of rejection and shake and get sweaty and tired.

I want to break this habit.

To be stronger then this.

It's going to take a long time to get over this to stop.

I wish dieing didn't hurt the people around me.




We're all damaged in our own way. Nobody's perfect. I think we are all somewhat screwy, every single one of us.

~Johnny Depp

Last edited by Silently_Screaming; March 8th 2012 at 01:05 AM.
   
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Re: When I'm Alone - March 8th 2012, 01:16 AM

If you haven't already, you should check out a thread on here that has alternates to self-harm. I would post the link but I can't post links yet until I have made 10 or more posts on here.
I am also trying to break my cutting habit. <3 You are not alone. PM me if you'd like to talk more. <3
Best of luck to you.


~I'm sorry you're blind to all the pain you've caused~
   
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Re: When I'm Alone - March 8th 2012, 01:25 AM

wicca,
Have you told any of your friends or family about this? It might help. Im also trying to get rid of this habit and it helps to tell someone ad have support so you can try to stop it. I feel the same way when im alone and have breathing problems like that. Theyre called panic attacks or anziety attacks. They feel like you cant take anything and you think the world is going to end. I have them alot too. One way to help get over this though is finding different alternatives. You dont deserve to deal with the emotional and physical pain. Your stong you can do it. Personally to try to get over it I normally come to this site and express my feeling and it makes me feel better and not want to cut. Its like a personal diary. Just next time you have these feelings tell yourself that your better than this and try to write it down instead of hurting yourself. The pain isnt worth it.
If you ever need to talk just PM me im online a lot
good luck


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