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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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How to tell someone? - March 18th 2012, 12:26 AM

I started scratching a few months ago, but it was very rarely and they were really small scratches on my leg so I didn't even class them as self harm. Within the last two weeks I have been scratching a lot though, on my arm and my stomach and I have been wandering whether to tell someone. A lot of people on here SH for months or years before they tell someone, so do you think this would be to soon? I am really scared of getting thought of as being an attention seeker

I have one teacher that I would like to tell at school, she is my form tutor and also my PE teacher so she did see the scratches in PE once. I told her they were burns and she believed me (I only have three marks on my lower arm). They look a bit like burns so that is what I tell people they are.

In that PE lesson I got asked jokingly by my friend if I was an emo, I know she was joking but I really don't want people to think I am like that.

I feel bad because nothing terrible has happened in my life to trigger this, it is only when I feel angry (usually an argument with my mum) and it seems a bit pathetic. My mum had a really bad childhood and she managed, and here I am with an ok life and I'm doing this

I really don't want my parent's to find out about the SH and I want to know if my teacher would have to tell my parents, but how can I do this without her knowing that I SH? I have thought about writing a letter aswhen I get nervous I can't speak properly and my voice goes all croaky, but I don't know how to write to her
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 18th 2012, 01:05 AM

Hey,

I think that it would be an excellent idea to tell your teacher about this! There really is no right time to tell somebody, I think the sooner you do it the better, you don't want to have to go for months or years with this secret.

Scratching is still considered a form of self-harm and even if it's not bad right now, it could get worse if you don't get help! Just because nothing is seriously wrong with your life doesn't mean that this isn't serious and the way that you have been feeling isn't serious, it is. You deserve the proper help. I don't think your teacher will see you as an attention seeker.

I know you said that you don't want your parents to know about this, but would it be so horrible if they knew. Your teacher will have to notify your parents about the scratching out of legal obligations but PLEASE do not let this stop you from letting her know. I think she could be a great support to you!

If you can't get the nerve up to tell her, write her a note basically saying what the problem is and if you could talk to her about it sometime. I'm sure she'll get right back to you!

Best of luck!


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Re: How to tell someone? - March 18th 2012, 01:42 PM

I'm kind of in the same situation as you. But as Sammie said, you should tell her before it gets worse and maybe turns into cutting.
If you anytime need to talk to someone you can PM me
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 18th 2012, 09:01 PM

I really do want to tell her, but I am just terrified of my parents finding out. I tend to do it when I have arguments with my mum, so she'll feel bad, and they'll make a fuss about it. I worry that I am just over reacting about things, my mum had a bad childhood (her parents used to hit her and not look after her properly) and she hasn't self harmed.

In a way I kind of wanted my PE teacher to guess what I was doing, because then I wouldn't have to start the conversation. No one really notices when I'm not that happy at school because I'm quiet.

I am really nervous about my PE lesson next week, I have two new scratches on my upper arm and I don't want the whole changing room to guess what I've been doing :/

I don't really know how to write a note to her though, or how to start it.

It might sound weird, but I am actually too scared to cut. Thanks for the support though
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 19th 2012, 04:51 PM

Hey,

I think that SH is one of the hardest things to come out about, because you do it to yourself and some people just can't understand that. As human beings, we want to be understood and loved, and when we aren't, it hurts.

But you have courage. I can see that just by reading that you have thought about telling somebody. I think that the first step would be to pull your teacher aside after PE or at a time when you two can talk alone for a good amount of time, and tell her everything that you've told us. That you SH, that you're afraid to tell your parents, that you have been wanting to speak up about it, et cetera.

She will help you get the help you need, and the support you need to help you.

You are not overreacting with your SH and needing help. If you hurt yourself, then you should get help - simple as that. Although a lot of us haven't got help, that doesn't mean we don't need it. We all deal with our SH in different ways, and if you are brave enough to tell somebody, then God bless you.

I hope you can stay strong throughout this ordeal. Remember: be fearless. <3


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Re: How to tell someone? - March 19th 2012, 06:01 PM

I was back at school today (I was at work experience last week) and it is so much harder thinking about telling her when she is actually there. I was thinking all last week that I would tell her but it is just so scary.

I just feel like I am letting her down

It is defiantly a really hard thing to talk about; if it was someone else hurting me it would be easier in a way because it wouldn't be my fault.

Thank you for all the support
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 19th 2012, 06:25 PM

I think no matter how scary it seems you should tell her.
Fear of the unknown (such as her reaction, what she will think, the possibility of her having to notify your parents, etc), is hard to overcome.
The only way to get past that fear is to just take all of the strength you have and tell her or give her a letter. explaining everything.
Also, about your parents knowing, they may overreact or be angry but they love you and will do there best to get you the help you neet.
You can explain to your mom that it is not her that makes you hurt yourself, that it is just how you react to things and that it has nothing to do with her. It has to do with how you cope and you need to learn safer coping skills.
I hope this helps and good luck.
Let us know how things turn out, k?
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 19th 2012, 07:13 PM

I'll try to tell her tomorrow. I just feel bad for putting her in this situation.
I'll let you know what happens.

If I tell her, what could she do though? If she tells me to stop, that probably won't make a difference. Do you think she'll get me to go to the school nurse or see someone?
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 19th 2012, 07:22 PM

That is great, I really hope it goes well for you.
You do not need to feel bad, if she asked about them (which, I am assuming sense you told her they were burns) that she did She really does care and wants to help you.
She could do a few things. She could contact your counselor at school, they could contact your parents or she could tell you who to talk to and suggest you speak with them and get help.
I'm not sure where you live, so I do not know how mandatory reporting goes there. Here teachers have to report these things to school counselors or psychologists and they decide to contact your parents or to try to help without their involvement.
I really hope you get your parents involved because having there support will help a lot more than living with them and them not knowing and having to hide it from them and them not knowing how the way they act affects you.


"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 19th 2012, 07:42 PM

I'm in the UK I'm not sure if our school has a councillor, is a school nurse the same thing?

I am a bit worried about getting my tetanus and other jabs I need for my school trip (In july). My mum said that I will probably have them in the holidays in about two weeks time, I have two scratches on my upper left arm and I am hoping they will be mostly healed when I have the jabs.
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 20th 2012, 02:07 AM

No, not exactly but the nurse is a great person to go to as well and if your school doesn't have a counselor, your teacher may talk with the nurse.
(Maybe the nurse handles both medical and counseling for your school, I'm not sure though because things are different here in the USA.)
If you are getting the jabs in two weeks, the scratches should be gone by then as long as you keep them clean and don't pick at them or anything.
Also, you could get the jabs on your right arm.


"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 20th 2012, 08:08 PM

I was so convinced I could tell her, but now I don't think I can. Everyone at school just seems so happy and normal, and I am to them too. If I tell her it will change things. If she started the conversation then it might be different, but I just don't think I can bring myself to do it

I really don't want the other girls seeing my scratches in PE, so when I scratched last night I did it on my ankle not my arm. I think I must have done it last night because I was feeling stressed about my mock science exam today, but I don't even know I am feeling the emotions. I don't even know if that makes sense though.
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 20th 2012, 09:19 PM

sweetie i would tell someone now , and get support and help before it gets worse .
it starts off with scratches but most of the time it gets worse .

it did with me , And now i spent most of my time in the hospital .


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Re: How to tell someone? - March 21st 2012, 05:14 PM

She wasn't at school today so I couldn't talk to her.

On the other hand, I one of my friends knows. Stupidly, during my IT lesson I was doodling a comic strip on what I could say to my teacher and my friend took it on the bus (it was in my pocket) and is now going to read it (I wouldn't let her read it on the bus). She said that as we are friends I shoudl be able to tell her things, but she is having a really rough time at home at the moment (parents got divorced but are now thinking of getting back together but she hates her dad) and I feel bad for adding more worries to everything
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 21st 2012, 10:57 PM

I am getting soo nervous about seeing my friend tomorrow
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 22nd 2012, 05:34 PM

Well, my friend didn't mention anything to me, and just acted as though she had never read the note.

Found out some bad news today though, the teacher that I was thinking about telling has broken her leg so won't be at school for ages
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 23rd 2012, 09:20 PM

I have to go bag-packing tomorrow to raise money for a school trip I'm going on and I'm really worried about people seeing my arm There is going to be a teacher there and about 5 people that are going on the trip and I don't know what I could say if they ask me what I have done to my arm.

I am just so annoyed, I knew I had to go bag-backing this weekend yet I bruised my arm last night. I shouldn't have done it on my arm My mum noticed it today and I said I banged it on the door, I think she believed me but she mgiht be getting suspicious beacuse I have 6 scratches and a huge bruise on one arm and they have all appeared in the last few weeks :/
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 25th 2012, 02:19 AM

I'm sorry that things have turned out the way they have.
Maybe you could ask your friend about what she thought of the note or give her a few days. Maybe she is trying to figure out what to do or say to you. To find out that someone is hurting themselves can be hard for some people to take in and she may need some time to think about and figure out how to approach you.
About your teacher being out, that is really bad timing and sad. I really hope her leg heals soon and that she gets better. Is there anyone else you could speak with, like the school nurse?
Also, about your mom seeing that you bruised yourself and your scratches, I know from experience that, telling them and letting them know will be a lot better than your parents finding out on there own and confronting you about it...
It is really annoying and draining to worry about how to hide self harm, how to not tell people, how to make excuses, how to tell someone and just the whole thing is a really bad place to be in and it gets really bad when you get farther into it.
And I know you do not want to continue doing it because if you wanted to, you wouldn't be making this thread and you wouldn't be trying to reach out. Yes, your parents or the school nurse might not seem like the ideal people to help you, but with your teacher being out they seem like they could be your only options for help right now.


"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 25th 2012, 08:17 PM

I don't think my friend is going to mention it, we have just been going on as normal.

I am really upset about my teacher not being here, even if I wasn't going to tell her is was nice to know that I could. To make things worse, she is going part time after the holidays so will only be at school on Mondays and Tuesdays.

I used to only SH at the end of the day, every other day and I could control when I did it, but today me and my brother had this argument in the car and I started scratching my leg because I just wanted to let my anger out.

My mum asked me what I had done to my arm yesterday (she obviously didn't believe that I walked into the door) and asked if I was getting bullied at school :/

Luckly for the bag packing luckly I was allowed to wear a coat so no one did see my arm.

I don't know how I can speak to the school nurse, I think she is only in school two/three days a week and I don't know who I can ask about where she will be and when.
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 25th 2012, 08:41 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by vergo97 View Post
I don't think my friend is going to mention it, we have just been going on as normal.

I am really upset about my teacher not being here, even if I wasn't going to tell her is was nice to know that I could. To make things worse, she is going part time after the holidays so will only be at school on Mondays and Tuesdays.

I used to only SH at the end of the day, every other day and I could control when I did it, but today me and my brother had this argument in the car and I started scratching my leg because I just wanted to let my anger out.

My mum asked me what I had done to my arm yesterday (she obviously didn't believe that I walked into the door) and asked if I was getting bullied at school :/

Luckly for the bag packing luckly I was allowed to wear a coat so no one did see my arm.

I don't know how I can speak to the school nurse, I think she is only in school two/three days a week and I don't know who I can ask about where she will be and when.

Maybe you could ask a teacher where and when the nurse will be in. There is nothing wrong with asking and they will not even think SH, they will probably just answer you.

It really sounds like your mom wants to help you. She wouldn't act concerned or question you about it if she didn't want to help you and didn't care about you.
It is your choice but eventually she will realize you are SHing if she already suspects you are being bullied. Some people SH to help cope with being bullied and this could be her thought or she may think that other kids are hurting you, either way, it is only a matter of time before she brings it up so just be prepared and if she asks you anything in the future be honest.
She is your mom and wants the best for you.


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Re: How to tell someone? - March 25th 2012, 10:11 PM

I could ask a teacher tomorrow then.

My mum thought that someone had been hitting me, I have been bullied on and off through out school. I not really being bullied at the moment though.
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 25th 2012, 10:23 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by vergo97 View Post
I could ask a teacher tomorrow then.

My mum thought that someone had been hitting me, I have been bullied on and off through out school. I not really being bullied at the moment though.

That sounds great.
I hope all goes well for you tomorrow.


"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 27th 2012, 10:34 PM

I haven't asked about the school nurse yet :/

I was just wandering if it's normal to have a lump under a bruise. The bruise on my arm has one.
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - March 28th 2012, 11:50 PM

I am not really sure if it is normal. If it doesn't go away in a few days, I'd say go get it looked at.
Here is some info on bruises so you can determine how well it is healing and learn some other useful information.
click here.
I hope this helps and you definitely can get the courage to ask a teacher about the nurse, I know you can, just think of how much better you will feel with someone to help you and not having to keep these things to yourself and you won't have to hide from every single person around you because you will have her support.
Take care.


"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - April 2nd 2012, 04:07 PM

The bruise has gone but there is still a lump. I asked my mum last night if it's normal to have a lump where a bruise has been and she replied "I don't know but it's because you keep self harming". I didn't know what to do so I just said that I had banged my arm on my door and she said how could I cause all the marks on my arm by doing that.

I feel really stupid now, she said it so casually and probably thinks i'm attention seeking or over reacting or an idiot

I haven't mentioned anything today though.
   
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Re: How to tell someone? - April 4th 2012, 01:26 AM

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Originally Posted by vergo97 View Post
The bruise has gone but there is still a lump. I asked my mum last night if it's normal to have a lump where a bruise has been and she replied "I don't know but it's because you keep self harming". I didn't know what to do so I just said that I had banged my arm on my door and she said how could I cause all the marks on my arm by doing that.

I feel really stupid now, she said it so casually and probably thinks i'm attention seeking or over reacting or an idiot

I haven't mentioned anything today though.

I do not think your mom thinks of you as attention-seeking, an idiot or as over-reacting.
She probably said it casually as a way to prevent her being angry with you and because she knows you are lieing to her and that you are self harming so she is not angry because she knows what is going on and probably is waiting for you to admitt it to her and then let her know you want help.
Honestly, she probably did some research and looked into somethings to prepare her for this, that or she knows those that have SH'd, either way, you both are now on the same page.
Your mom knows what you are doing, this is huge because you are no longer doing this without her knowledge and at any time she could ask you about it and you have no choice to be honest because she will figure out if you are lieing or not.
It really seems like she wants to help you but that at the same time she has a very clear understanding that cnnot force you into any help and that unless you admitt this to her and accept help from her and talk with her, you will get nowhere.
It is really great that she knows, one less thing you have to worry about, now you just have to talk with her.
I'd suggest by beginning with something like "Mom, you know how the other day you said that my lump on my arm is because I keep self harming? Well, you were right, I am self harming and I need your help. Can you (insert what help you would like such as a counselor, to talk to her more often or any other method of help you can think of)" and see what she says.
Like I said, you have completed half of the process here just by her figuring you out, the rest is relatively easy, you just have to want the help and get past the world's biggest obstacle (in my opinion) fear.
Good luck with this and let us know how things turn out, k?


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