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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Relapsed. - March 25th 2012, 12:24 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So, I'd tried to stop self-harming, but today I relapsed after two weeks.
I cut deeper than I've ever cut before.
I used to just make a little scratch, the most blood I ever drew was just a few droplets that never turned into more.
Today, the blood was running down my leg, and I enjoyed it. In fact, I loved it.
I don't know what to do any more. I want to die, but I could never commit suicide. It would destroy my mother, and I think she's the only one that cares about me any more.
It's tough, because I only see her for about a week every three months due to living 163 miles away for a college course.
I just needed to let someone know, but everyone I can tell in person doesn't care, and I've reached my daily post limit on tumblr (where I'd usually post this sort of thing).


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Palmolive Offline
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Re: Relapsed. - March 25th 2012, 02:45 AM

Hey there,

I'm really glad that you want to tell someone and that you've come to us for some support.

Do you know of anything that makes you want to self harm? Sometimes people go through a hard or a traumatic experience which causes them painful emotions and they find self harm as a way to cope with it. If you do know if anything that triggers you etc, and you want to talk to us about it then you're always more than welcome to. We're here to listen to you and we won't judge you.

Have you tried using any distractions? I suggest you take a look at our list of alternatives to self harm. I'm not going to say they'll all work for you but some will help you in the sort term so its all about trial and error. Don't stop trying new things when you come across something that you don't find helpful.

Let people in. Like i've said, we're here for you. And it sounds like you have a good relationship with your mum so you could try talking to her. If your college has a nurse or counselor you could try talking to them too. Just remember that you're not alone in this. People care about you, can and want to help you but they can only do so if they know what's going on and how you're feeling.

I know it's hard for you right now but you can beat this. Remember you're in control of your actions. Ultimately the onlymperson who can stop you from self harming is yourself. You're worth more than it and things can and will get better for you.

Look after yourself,
Jessie


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Relapsed. - March 25th 2012, 02:55 AM

I feel lonely all the time. I moved 163 miles away from my family and friends in September and haven't been able to make any friends here. I miss my boyfriend terribly. I feel left out at college (there are only 9 of us all together, because we're based quite far away from the actual college). I hate everything about myself. I feel like I'm a failure.

I want to tell my mum, but I don't want her to get stressed, as when she gets stressed, she gets really ill and she can't afford to take time off work because she's paying my
rent.

I find it really hard to talk to people about how I feel. I tried telling my tutor last week that I'm not happy, but she didn't seem to understand how bad I am.

I'll take a look at the list.

Thank you so much for your support.


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Palmolive Offline
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Re: Relapsed. - March 25th 2012, 09:29 PM

Hi again :-)

Moving away is a really hard thing to do and I definitely wouldn't think of you as a failure. It's okay that you're finding this hard to deal with and cope with, it's just important that you find ways to cope with how you're feeling that are healthy.

It's good that you tried talking to a tutor in college. Maybe you could try telling her again and really tell her how bad things are for you right now. Or is there a college counselor/nurse in your college who you could go and talk to?

As for the making friends, it's a hard thing to do when you move to a new college and it's even harder for you I imagine since you've moved to a new place and are away from home too. Have you thought about looking in to college clubs? Or even evening groups that aren't involved in college to try and get you out and to help you meet new people? It might be really good for you.

I hope this helps. Keep smiling.
Jessie


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Relapsed. - March 25th 2012, 09:48 PM

Our college group is made up of nine people, all the sort I find it even more difficult to get along with than others. We're based about an hours drive away from the actual college, so we don't really have anything to do with anything at the college at all. Also, because of this, there is no counselor or nurse where we are, so no one professional to talk to.
Those nine people on my course and my five male housemates are the only people I know here. Being seventeen, it's near impossible for me to go out with the other people because they go to clubs and stuff, which I can't get into.

I know I have to talk to my tutor again tomorrow, but I'm just really worried about how much to tell her, because I don't want my parents to find out. My mum gets really ill when she's stressed, and if she finds out, she'll be very stressed. :/


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Palmolive Offline
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Re: Relapsed. - March 25th 2012, 10:46 PM

Hi there.

So in that case could you just try and engage in conversation with the people you do see in college as well as looking in to clubs and groups outside of college? It might be something to look in to.

Truth is, if your mum were to find it and it made her stress, that's not your fault or your responsibility but you're her daughter and she does have a parental responsibility towards you. She's your mum and she's there to worry and care for you and be there when you need her and you can't stop yourself from getting the support you need, because you're worried about your mum getting stressed over it and I think that's a decision you need to make.

I know this is hard and I can honestly relate to the worry of your mum, but you deserve the help and support. I don't want you to go through this alone and sometimes just having someone to talk too can really help.

Keep smiling,
Jessie


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: Relapsed. - March 25th 2012, 11:25 PM

I found out about half an hour ago that my boyfriend was about to cut so I called him up and begged him not to do it... If only he knew... I wish I could tell him but I can't, because if I do, he'll just match my cuts.
My mum is already very ill due to stress, she's only just been able to go back to work. I don't want to tell her now, or she'll be off work again, and she can't afford to lose her pay for any longer, because not only is she paying for herself, my brother and my step-dad to live comfortably, but she's also paying 470 a month for my rent and bus money.
I can't do that to her now... I would feel so guilty if she found out and got worse, which would just make my state of mind even worse than it is now.


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BreakingBecci Offline
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Re: Relapsed. - March 26th 2012, 12:26 PM

I'm in college and I want to cut. Everyone is planning on going to the beach and I'm not invited. I just feel so left out. I've done everything I can think of to get involved. I can't concentrate on my work, and I'm falling behind.
I'm finding everything so hard right now...


Do not base your happiness off someone else.
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  Send a message via Skype™ to BreakingBecci 
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
Palmolive Offline
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Re: Relapsed. - March 26th 2012, 05:22 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BreakingBecci View Post
I'm in college and I want to cut. Everyone is planning on going to the beach and I'm not invited. I just feel so left out. I've done everything I can think of to get involved. I can't concentrate on my work, and I'm falling behind.
I'm finding everything so hard right now...
Hey there.

I'm sorry this is a little late. I really hope that you're okay. If you're still struggling you're more than welcome to talk to me.

Maybe next time you come in to a situation like this you can ask the others if you can go along with them? I understand that might be hard but I doubt they'll say no and it might really help you get talking to them.

Jessie


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

Helplink Mentor l Article writer l Forum mod l Community Mod
   
  (#10 (permalink)) Old
BreakingBecci Offline
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Re: Relapsed. - March 26th 2012, 05:42 PM

I didn't cut, which I'm quite proud of.
I don't want to ask them. I don't want to sound needy and desperate.
My landlord just came round and started screaming at me because my room isn't perfectly tidy. It's like everything is triggering me...


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