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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
The Eater of Delicious Goods
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Name: Nikki
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Everything's Fine. Right? - March 28th 2012, 08:16 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Ahhh, long time no talk fourms! I'm sorry we're meeting again on such...icky terms, haha. Stressful day, you know how it goes. It always helps when you can go somewhere and post to a fourm filled with people that relate.

I'll try and narrow down this long, long, LONG story a bit. My mom saw the scars on my thighs today. It wasn't intentional, I was pretty convinced they were decently hidden. (I mean, who stares at their kid's thigh long enough to decipher the marks through her neon blue leggings if she's supposedly hard of seeing...?) The reaction was as anticipated. Sad, guilty, angry. I had to hear all of how she didn't know what she was doing wrong, how fucked up I am. Same old.

Then of course I had to deal with her after she had a few drinks and was bursting into my bedroom because she thought she heard the lock turn and said, "It's a shame I can't trust you anymore." ahh. This is why I hide my cuts and not that it's something to be proud of, do a damn good job doing it. Because I have to get the silent treatment from mom, get yelled at, lectured and belittled because she doesn't know how to handle it properly. Every time something that falls under the taboo subject of depression, cutting or suicide, I have to hear her claim she has no idea what she's doing wrong. Just a few months ago, I lost a guy at my karate class. I didn't really know him, I was new at the place but it came to my attention that he was depressed and we were talking about it. It seemed to be a fine conversation until she suddenly blurted out, "Oh well, what about YOU? Hm? I guess I need to get you a therapist too? You want me to show you how to kill yourself? Is that it?" I'm not exaggerating that, those were the exact words out of her mouth. My cutting is something she knows I never stopped, but never talks about. It's like it gets swept under the rug.

About a year ago that stupid show My Strange Addiction came on. You know, when they eat chalk and such and honestly I liked watching it because of all of the commentary and how they helped these people. When I was telling her about the episode she opens up her mouth to say, "Oh well. You used to have a strange addiction too." "What? Eating dirt? I was three-" "No, I mean you used to cut yourself." Scratch that, it doesn't get swept under the rug, it gets stored under the rug unless she wants to get ahead in an argument. My mom has no regrets yelling at me and saying absolutely horrible things that people shouldn't even say to an inanimate object when they stub their toes on it. The fact that I didn't leave my room until she went to bed at 2 am just to get a drink, because I was afraid of getting yelled at says enough.

I'm off track here. I just...It's hard, haha. I try to be optimistic, if you knew me aside from this post and you never saw my scars, you wouldn't have an idea that I self harm. I can hide everything so well, down to the last cut and I can fake every feeling in my body. It doesn't help being homeschooled. Scratch that, I home school myself. My mom is a single, working parent and I do online school, she doesn't have time to help me and often just can't. I don't leave the house and don't get me started on how that discussion went. Talking to my mother is like talking to a concrete wall, all you have to do is say something that opposes her and it all comes crumbling down on you. She kept bringing it up and yelling at me for two weeks. It's just hard not having like a counselor (Doubt they'd really help) Or teacher or ANYONE to talk to. I stay inside until 6 PM during the week, then I do tae kwon doe for an hour. and sometimes I'm allowed out on Saturdays to go spend time with my best friend. I'm 15, almost 16 now and I can honestly tell you that social situations terrify me.

Right now, I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring. usually when this happens she gets all her yelling out in one night and the next day we move on, sometimes if I'm unlucky it's more than one day. She talks about all these things, like sending me away. To a facility, to my grandparents who I hardly know in upstate New York. She has a lot to say about therapists and changing things but no matter what, nothing EVER changes. I've only considered suicide twice. Honestly, the cutting is keeping me from anything serious. This post sounds like I don't have much to live for, but I do. My best friend just had a BEAUTIFUL baby girl in February and if I went through with it last year then I never would have held that little angel. My older brother told me last year that if he didn't have me, he probably wouldn't have much to live for. I have all these nice people at my class, the ones that think I'm so happy with such a nice mom.

It makes me sad to say that's wrong. It's been four years of off and on cutting, the longest I went was 6 months. I've made promises, I've tried rubber bands. Nothing helps. But the constant yelling about something or other, the constant telling me to eat and then telling me I'm fat, the racism and the close minded stupidity is driving me insane. So I'll never wear a bathing suit again. My pants will never come above my knees. I will constantly wear an armband on my forearm, and if my sleeve rides up; those scars came from this one crazy time I tried to trim my hedgehogs nails. Because no matter what, this is better than what it could be. I have a roof, four walls, clothes, food and anything else. I just don't have the mental stability or the love that I get so jealous of everyone else for having.

MAN. That felt good to type out. Sorry it's so long. Really, I was venting but if anyone has ANY sort of advice or words about how to deal for the next 2 and a half years, that would be so wonderful. :]


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Re: Everything's Fine. Right? - March 28th 2012, 05:42 PM

Hi Nikki,

It's that part there about you not thinking counselling would help that got my attention.

You've got a lot of very serious things going on, and although it sounds like you can control them for some time, it's not totally effective. So, as I see it, the answer to your question there at the very end about what to do is to get some therapy, tell your mom what's been going on in detail, and also let her know you need and want to try therapy.

One of the disadvantages of being home schooled is that you're cloistered in your home all day, and that's not always a good thing, exp. when you have all these thoughts and feelings and bad urges..you need to dilute them a bit. One of the first steps towards that is getting to a doc, so figure out a way to tell your folks what's going on for you and instill in them the sense of urgency to respond appropriately.


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Re: Everything's Fine. Right? - March 29th 2012, 08:10 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr.Bobby View Post
Hi Nikki,

It's that part there about you not thinking counselling would help that got my attention.

You've got a lot of very serious things going on, and although it sounds like you can control them for some time, it's not totally effective. So, as I see it, the answer to your question there at the very end about what to do is to get some therapy, tell your mom what's been going on in detail, and also let her know you need and want to try therapy.

One of the disadvantages of being home schooled is that you're cloistered in your home all day, and that's not always a good thing, exp. when you have all these thoughts and feelings and bad urges..you need to dilute them a bit. One of the first steps towards that is getting to a doc, so figure out a way to tell your folks what's going on for you and instill in them the sense of urgency to respond appropriately.
Thank you for the reply! Yeah, the counseling thing almost seems out of the question due to the lack of insurance and just the thought of my mom sitting down and trying to talk to someone...I don't feel like it would work. I have considered talking to my mom about it, but every time we have an episode like that, the next day is back to normal. It's like she gets all her anger out, goes to bed and forget. I have been taking therapy or something of that nature into consideration and I may try it soon. Thank you again :]


"Happy Hunger Games, and may the odds be ever in your favor."
   
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Re: Everything's Fine. Right? - March 30th 2012, 03:44 AM

Nikki, just as an FYI, if you look in the phone book, you can find community mental health centers that provide free or low cost services, when you're ready (hint, hint)


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