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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
SM13 Offline
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Exclamation I'm Worthless - March 31st 2012, 05:00 AM

I just fucked up. I cut for the first time in 67 days. I waddling do well but I just couldn't handle it anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm on meds I see a psychologist (although I haven't been in over a month cuz im busy). It's just the longer I go without cutting the more suicidal I get and the more I start to form 'my plan'. I guess when it comes to either cutting or suicide I guess cutting is the beat choice. I just feel like a failure. The alternatives page I've been thru over and over but it doesn't really help. I fucking hate my life! I was being do good and now it all means nothing! 67 days of hard work are down the drain! Ugh!! Why is it so hard?!?! I just can't go on anymore!
   
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Re: I'm Worthless - March 31st 2012, 05:29 AM

Hey hun,

First of all you are NOT worthless. You are very valuable. I'm really sorry you feel that way. You should go see your pshycologist again Or give him/her a call. Your life is worth living and you shouldn't have to go everyday feeling suicidal. That's not a very pleasant feeling and I know how it feels to be there. hugs darling Don't give up. Keep holding on and trying. You will make it through this and everything will be ok. Maybe not today, but it will be ok. stay strong
Pm me if you need to talk more.


"If I could just unzip my skin, step out of this body, then I would see who I really am. -Wintergirls

FREE HUGS
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm Worthless - April 1st 2012, 10:11 AM

Thanks for responding. I feel somewhat better. I'm just tired of feeling like this. Tired of hiding the scars old and new. I'm just so fed up with puttin on a smile every day so people won't know how much I really hurt inside. To them I'm the happy bubbly girl. But I'm not. I'm useless the few people who know about this say I need more help but I just want to be normal but I can't be normal because im a freak. A nerd. I'm so lonely even tho I have lots of "friends". Friends who dont even suspect anything who don't even notice that my smiles and cherrieness aren't genuine. I just wish I could die and not have to feel this anymore. I've prayed so much for god to just take me away from here but he won't. I guess this means it's up to me to do the deed since he won't help me. I'm tired of being lonely and depressed and self harming. I wish I didn't feel like I had to die but it seems like the only way out.
   
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Re: I'm Worthless - April 1st 2012, 10:25 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SM13 View Post
Tired of hiding the scars old and new. I'm just so fed up with puttin on a smile every day so people won't know how much I really hurt inside. To them I'm the happy bubbly girl. But I'm not. I'm useless the few people who know about this say I need more help but I just want to be normal but I can't be normal because im a freak. A nerd. I'm so lonely even tho I have lots of "friends". Friends who dont even suspect anything who don't even notice that my smiles and cherrieness aren't genuine.
That sounds familiar. Putting on a fake smile, acting cheery and like everything's fine is what I used to do. None of my friends could see through the act either- so it's not that you have friends that don't care, it's that you're a very good actor

But you shouldn't have to act. It's not fair and it's exhausting to keep the act up. I ended up talking to one of my closest friends and telling her how I felt. She was so shocked and upset she hadn't noticed earlier. Maybe that might work for you? Is there any of your friends you're particularly close to? Their support can be invaluable, and it really honestly can help.

67 days?! THAT'S AMAZING! You should be so so so so proud, that's a massive thing and I admire your strength and determination! And I know you can do it again, I just know you can. Heck, you can go 68, 70, 77, 100 days without it, more! I know you can, because you're so strong!

As for god not taking you're life away? I'm not particularly religious, but I would assume that's because your god has something better planned for you. He knows you can make it through this, he knows your strength. He's saving something special for you

Talking to your psychiatrist might actually be very very helpful. He or she might be able to provide more help and support, and advise you on coping methods. Never give up hope.

I'm always always here if you want to talk. I believe in you, and I care. Stay strong <3



Take as long as you need.
   
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Re: I'm Worthless - April 2nd 2012, 04:48 AM

I'm scared that if I tell my pdychologist she will have to tell my parents cuz it falls under the category of harming/planning to harm myself. Daddy says that if I cut anymore or want to kill myself that he will have to send me away to some place to "get better". I don't want to go away. If anything taking me away from my friends and dogs and theater and my activities would just make mr even more depressed. He doesn't understand. Daddy and I have always been very close and we agree and get along about most things. He always understands me. This is the first time he doesn't understand me. He wants to send me to some mental hospital or something but I can't go. I just can't. I know I need to get better but I just can't talk to him or mother about it for fear of getting sent away. I feel hopelessly lost and worthless
   
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Re: I'm Worthless - April 2nd 2012, 08:59 PM

You are not worthless. You are precious and loved and treasured. Never feel worthless, because you are not.

I think you should talk to your dad about how you feel. Tell him that you don't want to be sent away, and that it'll only make you feel worse. Tell him that what you really need is his support to help you through this tough time. All he wants is for you to be happy and safe, and he probably feels that sending you away to get better is the only way you can be happy and safe, even though he's wrong. Talk to him, because it will help once everything is out in the open.


Be like the birds: sing after every storm.
   
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Re: I'm Worthless - April 2nd 2012, 09:06 PM

well i can say good job with not cutting for so long and keep trying also u said u feel suicidal maybe you need to change psychologist because hes not making you feel any better
   
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Re: I'm Worthless - April 5th 2012, 05:11 PM

I did it again. I feel like I can't stop. I wish I could just die.
   
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