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oceaneyes95 Offline
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Name: Lillian (Lilli)
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This is me venting. - March 31st 2012, 12:00 PM

I'm now 17 years old, I first started cutting at age 15. I had already been exposed to the idea for a while because well I mean who hasn't it's all over the place tv, media, celebrities, school, music, friends. I didn't know how dangerous it was though, because it seemed so ok. Since I wanted to hide it so bad I never did it on my arms like everyone else because I always wear bikinis, tank tops, && strapless tops. So I did it on my hips, sides, and stomache. But only the left side, I never really knew why, guess it was just because i'm right handed. The first time was scarey, seeing as I was only doing it because I had heard so much about how it "helps" and makes everything "better". But I figured it was like trying new hobbies, it takes a littel time to get used to. So I forced myself to like it and keep doing it. I remember showing my other teenage friends that I go to church with they all thought it was so cool how Miss.Goody-two-shoes did somthin bad to herself. The first time I did it wasn't just a bunch of scratches it was a simple heart shaped carving on my right hip. I thought if i'm gonna do this might as well make it fun && creative right? After a while I really started understanding why everybody likes it so much. It made me feel in control, like everyone else had control over my emotions, and my boyfriend at the time had control over who I was friends with, and who I texted, and he also had control over my body in a sexual way. But none of that mattered anymore because at the end of the day I got to go hide out and control my physical pain because I wanted to hurt not because anyone else wanted me to hurt but because it was up to me. Sometimes it was on and off, somtimes i'd do it for days or weeks or months at a time just because I wanted that control for that time. But sometimes after people left me alone for a while I didn't feel like I needed to steal back that control. Then when it started getting really serious and dangerous my friends started trying to make stop. But that only made me want it more because they were controlling me in a bigger way now, they were taking the only bit of control I had over myself away from me. Somtimes I do it every now and then it's never bad anymore just a few scratches on them same old scarred up places but since I started spray-tanning I can't keep doing it. I'm going to stop spray-tanning so I can keep doing it more. I also strangle myself now too. Somtimes with my hands somtimes with my scarfs. It gives me a rushing sensation and I somtimes just don't wanna let go but I have to so I let go at the last minuete. I lose alot of friends and boyfriends because of it. But I don't care, my razor blades are my friends. Nobody has to read this but if you got this far through my story thanks! People always tell me that cutting and strangeling myself and even being bi is against the Word of God and I know that but it's not their place to jugde, i'll take it up with God. I know i'm wrong for the things i'm doing and I know that I should stop but some things are hard to stop specially when it's an addiction or maybe a last resort.


~~you doubted me then, but look at me now~~
   
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Re: This is me venting. - March 31st 2012, 08:23 PM



Hey girl, Okay so it seems like you have an issue with control.. you like to be in controll and don't like when people have controll over you right? Well.. honestly, I use to do teh SAME, i use to think hey i always hear people saying when in doubt cut yourself, &it's everywhere.. right, but hoenstly, you're only hurting yourself.. I bet you're a very pretty girl, think about it. You're going to have those scars for the rest for your life. What i used to do, if i wanted to put myself in pain because cuttign myself was too much, I just got piercings.. I havw my belly button, nose, tounge. I want to get a tattoo next. You're too good for that, because at the end of the day if someone is making you do all those thigns to yourself, like cutting your body.. then they are technically still in controll of you.. think about it, they are making you do bad thigns to yourself. I knwo you're better than that & I don't even knwo you. I hope you stop.. and eveyrthign is well <3.
   
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