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Dilemma - Do I just tell my parents up front I have cut ? OR continue to hide them and wait until they ask me ? - April 1st 2012, 03:38 PM

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Hey =) ,

So about 3 or 4 months ago I did something very stupid and did my first cut =(. I was so lost, alone and confused and in the famous words of Johnny Cash :

I hurt myself today,
To see if I still feel,
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that's real,

The needle tears a hole,
The old familiar sting,
Try to kill it all away,
But I remember everything,

I realize now that what I did was wrong =\ and I feel more stronger now because I have found someone that I can talk too about anything because she understands and we both help each other.

But when I did my first cut it kinda felt weird but in a good way ?

So I just continued too hack and slash my arm because of how additive it was becoming but only little thin lines as I thought they wouldn't show as much =3. But as I cut and saw the blood spill and run down my arm I couldn't help but smile as it felt like some kind of release ? if you get me. And I wrote down my thoughts at the time :


-----------


Today I did my first cut
I'm not proud of it but

As I drew my blade
I wasn't even afraid

I just wanted to feel
If I still felt.....real

And as the blade sliced through my skin
I couldn't help but grin

The cut wasn't too deep
But the blood did start to weep

It felt good too finally release some of the darkness & pain
Which was pulsating through my brain

And it didn't take me much guts
And some people may think I'm nuts

But unless they saw what went through my head daily
Then they will never truly understand me..... really

-------- End

Now I am determined to NEVER EVER cut again ! Because all I will do is look back at that poem and tell myself no..... or stick a bit of Bon Jovi on and rock out too that ^ ^

But here's the thing one of the last times I cut instead of cutting near the wrist or lower arm I cut on my upper arm area because I thought I was being smart by doing it in a place where I could hide it easier =\. And too be fair it worked too some degree but I never took into consideration what the hell I would do when it was Summer/Spring and I would have to wear short sleeve t-shirts ! _-_ . For you see I just covered it up with my Green Day hoody or other hoodies or long sleeve t-shirts but now I am running out of ideas.

Some of the cuts have healed since they were only little light lines so you can't notice them unless your right on top of my arm but there was one cut were I like split the skin a bit and you can't miss that sucker -_-.

Now my mum has seen one of my first cuts which now looks like a light glaze on my lower arm and when she comforted me about it I just lied and said it was a cardboard cut from work.

But as for my other cuts on my upper arm I have shown 1 person them my friend but by accident while taking my blood pressure I let my guard down and my doctor saw them and then immediately called hes nurse to get me a crisis helpline -_-.............. I felt <--> that small that day.

Because I hate people making a big fuss out of nothing.

You see I don't care what people say or think about them out in the public because :

I have scars but I also have stories

And I don't mind talking about why I did it or the reasons behind them.

But with your parents its just....... different? Because you feel like you've let them down in a way =\

I mean in my head so far here is what I think would happen in each scenario :

I tell them
They panic and then start to blame themselves for what I did and may end up crying because they may feel like they have failed me by not paying enough attention or spotting the signs which in turn would probably trigger me as It is ALL MY fault and not there's....well a bit is and they know I suffer with depression.

But I just don't want them to * air quote * treat me any differently -_-

I don't tell them and hide it
How long could I go? I mean it's worked so far but one slip up is all it takes and BAM !. But maybe the longer I can hide them the less obvious the scars are as they might fade away.

And sometimes I think somethings are better left unsaid....

In the end I know I'm screwed either way I just wanted maybe someone else opinion/advice to how I could best go about this and cause minimal chaos.


Thanks for your time

Peace out

Danny ^^

Last edited by Palmolive; April 1st 2012 at 05:15 PM. Reason: Adding Prefix
   
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Re: Dilemma - Do I just tell my parents up front I have cut ? OR continue to hide them and wait until they ask me ? - April 1st 2012, 05:20 PM

Hey Danny
A few things...
1) I'm sorry you were hurting enough to injure yourself, but I'm glad you found a friend and are determined to stop. That's really great... be proud of yourself!
2) Don't push away people just because they care about you. The doctor wasn't trying to insult you (and it is his business because he's your doctor and that's his job), he was only trying to help. Things like SH can escalate into something really terrible and he has to stop that before it starts. Maybe thank him for his concern rather than be upset with him for doing the right thing?
3) I would say that telling them would be the best option for all of you. In my experience when you just open up to parents about something serious, it actually makes you closer in the long run. <3

Good luck, lovely, let me know if there's anything I can do!


   
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Re: Dilemma - Do I just tell my parents up front I have cut ? OR continue to hide them and wait until they ask me ? - April 1st 2012, 06:13 PM

You can always wear clothes that make the scars stand out so ur parents will notice and say something. That's what I did, I was too chicken to come out and say it. I waited for her to guess at it, but I did take a while. She didn't want to believe me at first.

This is what I did, that doesn't mean this is what you have to do. As long as you can get the words out, or you could write them down. The sooner the better. If you need more help on telling someone, you can PM me whenever. I'd be happy to help. I know what this feels like. Sorry this is hard for you.
   
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Re: Dilemma - Do I just tell my parents up front I have cut ? OR continue to hide them and wait until they ask me ? - April 1st 2012, 07:59 PM

Danny, the decision here is actually easier than you're making it out to be.

The issue is your ability to control these urges. Can you? If yes, then you don't need to tell anyone. If you can't, then the issue isn't so much if you tell someone, but how you go about getting what you need to keep the genie in the bottle.

At 19, you can get help yourself, confidentially, and privately. The choice to tell your folks is yours, that's more of an issue when yo';re a minor and cannot access health care yourself. As an adult, you can. So, the issue of your folks isn't really relevant to getting help.


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Re: Dilemma - Do I just tell my parents up front I have cut ? OR continue to hide them and wait until they ask me ? - April 1st 2012, 08:11 PM

Firstly thank you guys so much for replying ^^. I feel a lot lot better now just hearing 2 peoples opinions and advice.

Haha before I start I just want to say I kinda wish I came here wayyyyyyyy before in the first place because people are so nice here and understandably and not just judgmental -_-...

Okay lets Rock n' Roll >=)

Quote:
Originally Posted by August View Post
Hey Danny
A few things...
1) I'm sorry you were hurting enough to injure yourself, but I'm glad you found a friend and are determined to stop. That's really great... be proud of yourself!
2) Don't push away people just because they care about you. The doctor wasn't trying to insult you (and it is his business because he's your doctor and that's his job), he was only trying to help. Things like SH can escalate into something really terrible and he has to stop that before it starts. Maybe thank him for his concern rather than be upset with him for doing the right thing?
3) I would say that telling them would be the best option for all of you. In my experience when you just open up to parents about something serious, it actually makes you closer in the long run. <3

Good luck, lovely, let me know if there's anything I can do!

1. Thank you, it is quite amazing just how much difference and influence a person can make in someones life and because of that I am determined to stop full stop ! .... Over wise my friend has personally promised me if I do cut she WILL personally come down and open a can of whoop ass on my butt xD ! haha and I think I fear that more then anything =P

2. That is probably the line of my life..... I always have an tendency too push those close too me as far away as I can as some sort of defensive mechanism so that I can't hurt them =\ I have hurt people feelings before and I hated myself even more for that since I already know how it feels but due too insecurities and selfishness I have hurt people and that is one of the reason I cut because of how much I hated myself for doing that. And I felt like I deserved every little bit of pain and punishment that followed because that was fair and that's why I kinda tried and alienated myself from reality so that I couldn't hurt no one any more =(. Saying that I have pushed and pushed my friend away but she never gave up on me so I always thank her for that because I don't deserve her .....

As for the doctor I do understand what your saying and too be fair he was pretty cool with it he didn't like freak out when he first saw them he did my blood pressure and then sat down and then rang and then also tried putting me on Porzac ( fluoxetine - an anti-depressant ). I know he was only trying too help but I don't trust anyone these days because of trust issues. Heck I didn't even want to go I hate going to the doctors =\ the last time I went before that was like 2 years but it was my friend who convinced me and I guess it may of been the start of the road too recovery but I want too do it by myself no meds and prove it too myself that I can do it.

3. Hmmmm I have thought long and hard about this and yes morally the right thing too do would be too tell them so that they understand and so that I don't have to hide it anymore and who knows maybe they will help me in ways I haven't thought of yet like less arguing and stuff.

I have thought of a mini- plan of how I will go about this.

For you see I have a dog tag and wrist band for the non-profit American organization called : To Write Love On Her Arms ( TWLOHA ) They help people struggling and self harming kinda like this website but you can phone them up and talk too them.

I got these becasue this organization helped my friend and in my eyes saved her and with out these people I may of never found my friend as she may not of been here so because of that I can't thank these people enough so I got the dog tag and wrist band so that I will always remember that and just think how lucky I am too still have her.

Too the point DANNY BOY !!!!!

Oh yeah anyways my parents always asked what they meant and I never gave them an answer but too them they probably think its some music band so if I do tell them I will open up with that and what it means =) .

* Phew * the eassy is done xD ! hahahha moving on =)


Quote:
Originally Posted by MoreThanMeetsTheEye View Post
MoreThanMeetsTheEye Re: Dilemma - Do I just tell my parents up front I have cut ? OR continue to hide them and wait until they ask me ?
You can always wear clothes that make the scars stand out so ur parents will notice and say something. That's what I did, I was too chicken to come out and say it. I waited for her to guess at it, but I did take a while. She didn't want to believe me at first.

This is what I did, that doesn't mean this is what you have to do. As long as you can get the words out, or you could write them down. The sooner the better. If you need more help on telling someone, you can PM me whenever. I'd be happy to help. I know what this feels like. Sorry this is hard for you.
Thank you for your advice =) ! I guess I could do it this way if I feel like I couldn't do it the other way I had planned or I could try and incorporate this into Plan A.

It wouldn't be too hard since we are in now Spring over here so the weather is getting warmer ( but not too warm over wise I will complain because I'm a Brit and we always complain about the weather ) and I have just brought a load of t-shirts haha

The writting down before hand is a really good idea because then if I have a mind blank or panic then at least I can give them the paper ! Zing ! =D haha

Once again thank you guys so much ! Not just for me but for probably all those people who are looking at this and just don't know where to turn =')
   
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Re: Dilemma - Do I just tell my parents up front I have cut ? OR continue to hide them and wait until they ask me ? - April 1st 2012, 08:30 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr.Bobby View Post
Danny, the decision here is actually easier than you're making it out to be.

The issue is your ability to control these urges. Can you? If yes, then you don't need to tell anyone. If you can't, then the issue isn't so much if you tell someone, but how you go about getting what you need to keep the genie in the bottle.

At 19, you can get help yourself, confidentially, and privately. The choice to tell your folks is yours, that's more of an issue when yo';re a minor and cannot access health care yourself. As an adult, you can. So, the issue of your folks isn't really relevant to getting help.
Thank you for your post.

I see what you are saying and understand where you are coming from.

I feel at this moment in time I can control the urges but I feel like I can only do so because of the bond I have with my friend. She makes me stable and opens my eyes.

So at this point in time I feel like personally I don't need help because there is nothing wrong with me now.

The only fear I have is how too explain the scars? when my parents see them that's my main concern. How do I explain? that's what I am after advice on that. And what if they do freak out?

So I thought do I bite the bullet and tell them straight up ? or wait till they see and then say ? Is it better too get it out of the way ? or wait until that day when it does happen?

I am determined to beat this but I want to do it with will power and not meds and prove too myself I can do it so that I can look back and see how I beat it if it ever comes again in later life.
   
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Re: Dilemma - Do I just tell my parents up front I have cut ? OR continue to hide them and wait until they ask me ? - April 2nd 2012, 02:54 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueBubbleGumMonkey92 View Post
Thank you for your post.

I see what you are saying and understand where you are coming from.

I feel at this moment in time I can control the urges but I feel like I can only do so because of the bond I have with my friend. She makes me stable and opens my eyes.

So at this point in time I feel like personally I don't need help because there is nothing wrong with me now.

The only fear I have is how too explain the scars? when my parents see them that's my main concern. How do I explain? that's what I am after advice on that. And what if they do freak out?

So I thought do I bite the bullet and tell them straight up ? or wait till they see and then say ? Is it better too get it out of the way ? or wait until that day when it does happen?

I am determined to beat this but I want to do it with will power and not meds and prove too myself I can do it so that I can look back and see how I beat it if it ever comes again in later life.
Danny, although you're lucky to have such a good friend who gives you that strength, that's best provided from within yourself, you need to develop the coping skills inside to manage whatever comes up. That way, regardless of who's available to you or who's in your life, you can count on yourself and your abilities to get you thru whatever comes up. Friends add to life, they enrich you. They shouldn't compensate for what you don't have. When that happens, you get into what we call 'Dependent relationships' or, worse, 'Co dependent relationships'. That's when it's not about fun and love..but rather functioning, we NEED them in order to function.

About your folks: It's interesting that you're convinced the';re going to make your cutting (and the emotions that cause it) about them, instead of seeing it as something about you..and wanting to then be supportive. I'm not sure what that's about or where you get that from, but you might want to take a look at it..and if you think that;s just something about the fabric of your relationship with them, that lone might be enough of a reason to get some counseling to sort out.

As an FYI, it is always much easier to get help when you're not in crisis or imminent crisis. This might be a good time to calmly sit down and discuss these issues and sort thru them.


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Re: Dilemma - Do I just tell my parents up front I have cut ? OR continue to hide them and wait until they ask me ? - April 2nd 2012, 05:59 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr.Bobby View Post
Danny, although you're lucky to have such a good friend who gives you that strength, that's best provided from within yourself, you need to develop the coping skills inside to manage whatever comes up. That way, regardless of who's available to you or who's in your life, you can count on yourself and your abilities to get you thru whatever comes up. Friends add to life, they enrich you. They shouldn't compensate for what you don't have. When that happens, you get into what we call 'Dependent relationships' or, worse, 'Co dependent relationships'. That's when it's not about fun and love..but rather functioning, we NEED them in order to function.

About your folks: It's interesting that you're convinced the';re going to make your cutting (and the emotions that cause it) about them, instead of seeing it as something about you..and wanting to then be supportive. I'm not sure what that's about or where you get that from, but you might want to take a look at it..and if you think that;s just something about the fabric of your relationship with them, that lone might be enough of a reason to get some counseling to sort out.

As an FYI, it is always much easier to get help when you're not in crisis or imminent crisis. This might be a good time to calmly sit down and discuss these issues and sort thru them.

Good morning =), well I'm guessing it's morning where you.

I kinda knew you might of said something reguarding my friend because I'd too realised myself I had come a little * air quote * too dependent on my friend and that begs the question what would I be like if she went? Would I just think screw it? and resort back too self harming because I feel all alone again ?

So I understand I have too start and be a bit more independent in being strong by myself just like you say. Well I think that is what you were angling at.

Ohhhhh boy =) ! Haha if I may I will give you a very brief insight into my * air quote * folks.

I was very lucky as a kid growing up because I had both my parents in my life and I know I was very fortunate for that. They used too spoil me rotten as a kid and as some may say they might of been buying my affection/love.

However fast forward 19 years were a Power Rangers toy set won't quite cut the mustard anymore like it used too. And now we get too the fun bit for you see my folk were partly one of the reasons I cut because I am the youngest in m house and its just me and them. And the thing is they argue like most of the time and whos stuck in the middle trying too be the peace keeper?.... me.

So for the past few years I have gotten fed up with all the arguing some times it could be over the most little of stupidest things. Then comes Christmas the holidays I hate and dread the most because I am forced too be at home. And it has been the same for the past ermmm 3 or 4 years. I totally understand how Christmas is a stressful period don't get me wrong but when you have been subjected too anger and hate a lot of the time it has it affects on your mind. And I always wonder too myself because of my past Christmases will it always be like this for me when I'm older and moved out? I mean will I automatically link Christmas too anger and hate and pain ?

What normally happens when they fight is my dad will turn too drink and my mum will just go too her room and shut the door. But I am kinda used too this now and I literally spend all my time in my room heck these 4 walls may as well be called my prison.

So when I found my friend after being all alone all my life kind of and never having just that one person too talk too about things yeah you could kinda say I attached myself to her just so I could escape things around me.

That's why I went too the doctors because I thought I had SAD ( seasonal affective disorder ) and thats when he said I was suffering with serve depression and tried too put me on Prozac. He wanted too see me a week later but I couldn't because I work full time and it's hard too get an appointment these days over here. But I feel like working is the only thing that makes me sane because it preoccupies my mind because I'm always moving and thinking so that I don't have too think about all of this. And that it suppresses what I like too call Dark Danny.

The doctor did offer me counseling but I refused at the time because I wouldn't have time since I work full time and I always fear that if my work founds out I have depression or something that then I will automatically get a little tick on my records which will always be there for future jobs and that it could jeopardize any future job career but I have had counseling before when I had problems sleeping but that was way before the wholeeeeee self harming issue. All it took was a death in the family to change me from a normal boy too all of this.

Now I am not after any sympathy what so ever because I know of people who have far worse stories then me and it may come across as me being a complete whine baby. I've accepted the fact that this is life get over it. I just need to give myself a kick up the backside and do something about it instead of whining. Just a reality check =)

And in the famous words of Bon Jovi - Have a nice day >=)
   
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Re: Dilemma - Do I just tell my parents up front I have cut ? OR continue to hide them and wait until they ask me ? - April 2nd 2012, 07:22 PM

Danny, at 19 you're on that threshold of being an adult and moving out and being in charge of yourself and your own life. That means (amongst other things) who you decide to have within your four walls. You can't pick your family, as they say...

I think it might be best here to adjust your perspective on all you've been thru and how it's contributed to who you are....and begin to see it in the past tense. Maybe make a plan for how to transition into adulthood successfully, and implement it. Part of that is seeing and experiencing yourself as an adult, which allows you to begin to put all that has happened into historical perspective. Right now, it all seems very current for you.

It also sounds like therapy might be a good thing here, it's a place where you can begin the process pf context...putting things in perspective..and make a plan for the present and the future based on where you are today, rather than where you've been. People 'Move on' by letting go and leaving the past where it belongs. It's often best to take that journey with a professional who can guide you thru the process successfully.


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