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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
DeadGirl
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Name: Cassidy Marie
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Exclamation Even though I promised.., - April 8th 2012, 09:00 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So, I've been cutting for over nine months now. Everytime I do cut, it gets deeper and deeper and more painful. My mom know I cut, but she won't get me help. She's afraid I'll tell someone about my grandfather in law raping me, that seems like all my family's biggest fear. Meanwhile, I'm still purging and cutting almost everyday, and they act like they don't know. The only motherly advice my mom has given was for me to forget about it and run so the "endorphins" will go to my head and I'll be fit. I'm a generally lazy person, I'm not going to fun when I'm depressed and she knows it. I cut today. It burns. I'm still holding toilet paper to it. That's all I have. It's never looked this bad before, but if I really demand that I go to a doctor or a therapist they'll send me to a mental hospital, and this boy, my only source of happiness anymore, will know where I am, and if he knows that I really didn't stop cutting, he won't talk to me anymore. He said so himself. I've already gone through that once. I know I should consider him generous, because he puts up with my fasting and purging, but I know I won't stop cutting.

If I go to a mental hospital, I'll lose him, and I've tried to kill myself when I've been afraid of losing him before, if I really lost him, I know I'd do it. I'm scared. I'm scared I'll keep cutting and cut too deep. I'm afraid I'll never be able to get help. I'm scared I'll just overdose and kill myself. I'm scared the scars on my wrist won't go away. I'm scared the day I grow up, any man that sees the damage on my hips will be disgusted. I get such good grades, I could go to college and be a great doctor one day, I'm so scared I'll never live to be that old. What do I do? I've been thinking maybe I could tell a teacher I trust, but I don't want that terrified look that my friends give me when they see my arms. I don't want them to call child services and take me away from my parents, and I don't want my parents mad at me for telling somebody about my problem. Most importantly, I don't want that special guy to hate me because I chose my blade over him.

Last edited by ~HeartBreakCupCake; April 8th 2012 at 09:29 AM.
   
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Re: Even though I promised.., - April 12th 2012, 12:13 AM

Hi Cassidy,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Just so you know, the therapist would keep what your grandfather did totally confidential. If you find a really good one, they can help you. I'm sorry you feel such pain at such a young age.

If you lost the guy ever, then it wouldn't be meant to be. You wouldn't kill yourself if you lost him. It will be okay one day. I know that right now you think that there isn't, and that this is all life will be... but you can do great things. And you will. You really need to tell someone though. I'm so sorry though.

PM me if you need to talk more.. there is so much to say but I just don't know exactly WHAT to say.. I hope it helped a LITTLE bit. <3 <3 <3


PM me if you need anything!
   
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Re: Even though I promised.., - April 12th 2012, 12:26 AM

I know this may sound hard to hear, and that you may not believe me, but if he stops talking to you because you cut, he isn't worth it. If he truly loved you, he would do all he could to help you through this. I suggest you tell someone you can trust not to let anyone know. Or go to the doctor's secretly, if you want no one to know.

I wish you the best of luck. I really do. Just remember that someone out there cares about you. I care about you.


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
DeadGirl
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Re: Even though I promised.., - April 12th 2012, 08:06 AM

/it's not that he doesn't care enough or he's grossed out by my cutting or anything like that, he just know by now how bad it would hurt me if I couldn't talk to him.

And thanks yhu too that was helpful

Bad news: so, my mom made me show her my most recent cuts. She told me I was going to look stupid when they healed. She also said how unhealthy making yourself throw up is e.e . Basically, she talked to me like I was two. "No, don't do that. That's bad!" It actually made me feel like she was challenging me to cut and it made me more depressed than I was before. Not only that, but she knows I've liked that guy for a while, so when she saw the heart scar on my wrist she got mad and blamed him for all my sadness. I got so mad at her, but he texted me and calmed me down. I'm 200% positive that she knows I never stopped cutting, and even more positive that she knows her last little lecture had no good effects. Now she's mad at me for "Being incredibly rude to her while she was trying to help me." Now, she's assured me she will be NO help to me, and if her and my step dad won't help me then who will? The only person that can ever persuade me to really do anything is now the only one I'm keeping secrets from.

And my mom also said that there was no way I could see a therapist because "If any professional like that knew you were raped they would only be required to call the police or child protective services and we don't need all that." My mom is the type of person that you can't talk out of stuff.

I'm scared. I've tried to kill myself four times before by overdose, and I'm afraid that if I have to keep living in this situation then eventually I'm going to have a successful attempt with the pills. That's another thing I TOLD my mom that I tried before, and she did nothing. Didn't talk to me about it. Didn't help me at all in any way whatsoever. I'm only 14 I can't go to a therapist or anyone on my own, and my school counselor will tell my mom anything I tell her and my mom will get mad at me because they'll think somethings wrong with her, which there is. I didn't mean to make this so long, but I'm kind of scaring myself, and I don't know what I'll do next.
   
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