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Haunted Offline
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Name: Serena
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Unhappy I realized I'm weak - April 9th 2012, 12:22 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

last night was like hell for me and I had no reason to feel that terrible. I was upset and confused. I didn't know what was actually happening to me and I was feeling sick.
I think there's something wrong with me.
I mean, it's like everything is crashing down, but I know it's alright, because actually nothing is going wrong. But once in a while I start feeling terrible and I cry over things that don't make sense. It happens often. Almost every single week since last summer I can't help but feel like I fell and touched the ground. Plus, when school started things got worse.
I feel like I'm wasting my life and throwing moments away like they were rubbish. My mom keeps saying that it's not true, but I can't help but feel that way.

/Here comes the part where I talk about yesterday\

Yesterday evening, after dinner, I locked myself in my bedroom and I spent all evening over thinking about I don't even know what, until I came to the point where I thought I was hopeless. At 1 am I went to bed. Kinda. I cried after I washed my makeup away, I cried while I was brushing my teeth and I cried while I was cutting myself for the first time after 3 months and 16 days.
In that moment I felt like I was doing the right thing, even though I knew I wasn't. In fact, when I actually went to bed, I realized that I did it all wrong and there was no way I could erase that moment. I realized I'm weak.
I spent the past 3 months and a half trying to convince myself that I was strong enough not to cut again; I thought I had found hope; I thought I had something to hold onto. When I realized all of this, I cried again... and cut again. This was the most stupid, dumb and idiotic thing I have ever done. Plus, when I'm upset or sad or confused or whatever, I start to hate everything. Including myself. In that moment I decided that I wouldn't eat anything and I already failed and this makes me feel like throwing up.

I know I'm doing it all wrong. I AM WRONG.
I'm so confused. I thought I had everything, but it turned out to be awful anyway. Sometimes I even start wondering why I am still living. WHAT THE F- IS WRONG WITH ME? Where did I go wrong? Why do I have to feel like there's no tomorrow? I am going insane.

Help me.

the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
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2dreamland Offline
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Re: I realized I'm weak - April 9th 2012, 10:33 PM

Nothing is wrong with you. I feel like that too sometimes. I'm so sorry you're going through a confusing and hard time. Feel free to PM me to talk more. in fact, please PM me! i can say so much more but I have to go for now... we can talk more though.

PM me if you need anything!
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