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Question paralyzed. Big sister - April 10th 2014, 07:37 PM

This is the 16 year old sister! Not the 14 year old that is pregnant!
I am not homeless and I met this really nice guy. But he is paralyzed and he is 17. He was in a horrible car accident. I would like to go out with him. But when I am with him in public i feel bad for him. Is this okay? I want to help him, but he turns down my help.
   
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Re: paralyzed. Big sister - April 10th 2014, 09:21 PM

Hi,

I think feeling bad for him is natural. Many people I meet for the first time want to help me with many things until overtime and through honest discussion, they see what I can do and where I can use their help.
The thing is, you have a right to want to help him but not do what he can do for himself (if that makes any sense). Let him show you what he can do and when he asks for help give him help and when he does not ask for help just hang out with him.
This can be very difficult most likely because it is hard for people to imagine themselves in someone's else's circumstances. So, we think we would be doing the person good by just doing certain things for them but this can lead to frustration.
If you believe he is being stubborn and attempting to much (more than he is capable of doing) than you can tell him that you will help him and that you notice he is struggling to accomplish something and that if he needs help you can be asked.
I know it is challenging trying to step back and let him do things on his own but he can be quite independent even though he is paralyzed if he has the right resources to help him and depending on how paralyzed he is.
Another thing I suggest is doing research. Look online to see what tools people that are paralyzed use to help increase what they can do and how they do things. Being aware of what he has and how he does things may give you reassurance that he may not need a whole lot of help, just whenever he asks.
Hopefully this is helpful.


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Re: paralyzed. Big sister - April 15th 2014, 05:47 PM

Hi there,

I think it's normal to have compassion for his situation. Our instincts tell us that we should be helping people when they're not capable of doing certain things or if they're struggling to do it on their own. One thing I've learned from having disabled family members, though, is that being able to do these things -- even if the task is very hard to complete -- is still very important to them. In a lot cases they are able to do things; it just takes some extra effort and time (which is totally okay).

If this is bothering you a lot, I'd suggest letting him know that if there's anything he needs help with, that he can ask you any time. After you've told him that, just let it be though. It may be difficult to do it that way because you most likely want to help him each time you can, but having that kind of independence is big for those who do have limitations physically. I know that in my situation, it certainly was.

It may be a little difficult to get used to at first, but I'm positive that after being around him more that you will be able to. I sure did.

Take care.



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Re: paralyzed. Big sister - April 15th 2014, 05:54 PM

Hey

Its natural to feel bad like everyone else said here.I am glad that you are being friendly with him.Support him and encourage him that he still can achieve his goals.Life is too long.He need support and you should provide it to him.
Best of luck
   
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Re: paralyzed. Big sister - April 26th 2014, 07:46 AM

Someone who is disabled already feels helpless, offering to help only enforces this feeling. If he needs help, he'll learn to ask for it. I say just enjoy your time with him, and try to overlook his difficulties in life.
   
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