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oceannn Offline
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Emptiness - August 29th 2013, 07:47 PM

I just wrote a looong entry about how I'm feeling and the moment I wanted to post it I was logged out and now it's gone.

It's just too much pressure. I feel like I can't handle it anymore. And I really don't know what to do anymore.
Counselling didn't help at all and I can't pay a real therapist. I slowly I'm starting to think that I seriously need a therapist.

What do I do?...

edit: this is not suicidal by the way. and i posted it in addictions because i originally gave a lot of background information which included addictions and how, for example, i think i am still struggling with what remains from my almost beaten eating disorder and so on.
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Thereishope Offline
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Re: Emptiness - August 29th 2013, 09:08 PM

If you could repost what you had said before I might be able to offer some advice. From what you have all I really can say is to just keep fighting it and pushing forward little by little.
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oceannn Offline
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Re: Emptiness - August 30th 2013, 07:01 PM

Hey Michael,
Ya sorry, I was just so frustrated that I didn't want to write it again.

It's a lot and nothing actually.
I'm in my last year of high school (it's a little different in Germany, so my age is not unusual.), I'm having good grades, I'm not ugly and one of the popular girls. Quite average I suppose.

But I'm feeling a lot of pressure right now. I have to choose where/what to study. I have to prepare for the final exams. I have to work. I have to please myself.
I know where and what I want to study, but it'll cost me a fortune and my parents are kind of poor. I'm already working to pay for my stuff (and I hate my job, I really hate it. And that's starting to distract me from school, not to mention my personal life) and I refuse to give up another one of my dreams - that means if things work out and I get accepted, I'll be in dept of about 50.000 when I finish studying.

Then, there's my past. I'm thinking of myself as a strong character because I've overcome a lot of things all on my own (drug abuse, self harm, anorexia, bulimia, abusive boyfriend, the shock of almost being raped and something I just buried somewhere deep down). Still, I'm suffering from what remains of that eating disorder, mostly self image issues (strange because I'm pretty full of myself at the same time) and despite having friends, I don't tell anyone what's really going on with me, only ever what's on the surface.

But lately I find myself thinking that I need a therapist more and more often. I want to talk about myself A LOT but at the same time not at all. And I have no idea whether or not my past is actually affecting my present. I feel like it's not, but when I look at the list of all the things I've been through I feel like it MUST be. And although I remember all of those things, it feels like they happened to someone else or must be from some bad movie or something.

And being back at the present, I am also suffering, because I feel like my dreams and hopes are such a heavy burden, because they're making things so much more complicated. But I'm no longer ready to give up on them, because I feel I might as well give up on my life then.

I've talked to my school counsellor before, but that didn't do anything, we didn't even get to any deep topics and she herself told me she's no therapist. But I can't pay for a real therapist and I can't talk to anyone.

So, that's why I have no idea what to do. And I've been feeling like this for a very long time, but it's getting worse.
Sorry for the rant.
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