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Addictive Behaviours Discuss and receive support for addictions not related to substance use, such as gambling, Internet, sex or work addictions, in this forum.

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ladylightnin Offline
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Mother figure? - October 27th 2015, 09:06 PM

I just want to talk a little about this, as I find it very puzzling. I've tried to discuss this with my therapist but that ended quite negatively, as I will go on to explain.

I'll try and be brief here.

So I've always had this infatuation with women. It started to fall into place when i realsied I was gay, I naturally assumed all of my obsessions were purely down to repressed sexual attraction.
However, I don't think this is it. I have a beautiful girlfriend and I'm in a happy loving relationship, but I still can't help but get caught up on older women. It is a sexual attraction, they are always attractive women .. But its more than that. I don't want to jump into bed with them .. I fantasize about the nurture and the guidance and the comfort. Much like a mother figure. It's beginning to be a huge issue for a number of reasons that would take far too much explaining.I've gotten involved with people over the years, in this desperate search for someone to see into my soul and I've always come out of the situation disappointed and heartbroken. So I figured that if I booked in with a therapist it would give me somewhere to talk all of this out. Obviously I chose a woman. It was going really well for months until I went into this in more depth ... At which point she expressed her concerns that I was using the sessions with her as a substitute attention for this craving I have. This really bothered me and I haven't been back since. It's left me again feeling quite hurt and mistrusting of sharing this with anyone else in person, and I'm not really any more clued up on where this all comes from or what i can do about it.
I think I've got it in my head that if I can find this magic woman to look up to, she will be able to fix all of problems. I know that's stupid but I'm locked on. I have been for years now .. I just feel hollow all of the time and more and more frustrated.

I couldn't be more satisfied in my relationship, I just wish I didn't have this side of my personality that has to check out every hot busiensswoman I see or talk to online Dominatrix or have this need to find out every detail about my teachers or doctors or any of that. I have boundaries, I just know this isn't healthy.
   
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Re: Mother figure? - October 27th 2015, 09:15 PM

Hello there, I think the fact that you want to figure this out is great and that you were seeing a therapist. Honestly, I can understand why your female therapist would show concern that you may be using the sessions to fulfill this need for female attention, I don't think she was accusing you of doing so, but rather asking you to consider that it may be a possibility. I'm going to suggest continuing with a therapist, maybe try a male so that you can discuss this without them wondering if this is an issue, or you can go back to her and try to work through it.


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Re: Mother figure? - October 27th 2015, 09:26 PM

Thanks for your reply
I know there was some truth there. I intentionally went to a female, but I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. I just feel comfortable around women .I do get why she brought it up, it was true and it probably did need to be addressed, there's just still that part of me that wants to tantrum about it because she didn't give me what I wanted, I didn't get that fulfillment I was looking for. I probably should go and see a male, it just makes me feel so out of my depths and uncomfortable the thought of sharing all of my feelings with a guy.
   
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Re: Mother figure? - October 27th 2015, 10:22 PM

I thought the same thing until I went to someone through my school and was placed with the next available person who happened to be a guy. There were certain things that I didn't share because of that, but it wasn't related to the issues I was seeing him for so I don't think it made that big of a difference.


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Re: Mother figure? - October 27th 2015, 10:32 PM

Hey there,

I've had the same issue with obsessions over mother figures. What is your relationship with your own mother? A lot of times, these obsessions occur because we are lacking an unmet need and are trying to find ways of fulfilling these needs. It's ok to befriend women (as long as they are safe and it's within boundaries) and it's ok to look up to them as role models, even mother figures. The issue is when the obsession gets out of hand. There are many different causes for this going from 'transference' to it being part of a personality disorder, though I'm not a professional. I think it would be really interesting for you to discuss this with another therapist. I'm sorry to hear how it ended with your previous one- that's not what should happen at all, but don't let it put you off!

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Re: Mother figure? - October 29th 2015, 10:26 PM

Hi Holly,
It's been rocky, and although we do get on better these days i always wonder if it's the root cause. She's always loved me but we have never bonded. When I small I didn't ever feel like I wanted to be comforted by her and as i grew up my sexuality caused a few additional barriers betwern us. I dont think I will ever stop adoring women, and although when the rare occasions come around and I do actually bond with someone, I fully respect their boundaries and never over step the mark - it pains me to do so and I find it very difficult to sit back and just let things be natural, I want to know exactly what they think of me and thats not always possible.
It's on my agenda to find another therapist, I just live in a small town so its very difficult to find someone i feel comfortable with.
Thanks you for your reply
   
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Re: Mother figure? - October 29th 2015, 11:51 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladylightnin View Post
It's been rocky, and although we do get on better these days i always wonder if it's the root cause. She's always loved me but we have never bonded. When I small I didn't ever feel like I wanted to be comforted by her and as i grew up my sexuality caused a few additional barriers betwern us.
It is very likely that this is the root cause.

I have a similar issue with my father and, as a result, have always viewed/approached older men in the same way that you do older women.

I am now in a happy, loving relationship with a man 19 years my senior. He is kind, gentle, supportive and nurturing and I am in no way being taken advantage of, despite what conclusions people may jump to. The relationship is far healthier than ones I've had with guys my own age and, despite the fact that our society decrees it to be abnormal, I am not going to stop.

You see, you can either go with the grain, or against it. If I wanted to, I could view how I feel as "wrong" and put myself through therapy in the hope that I could somehow get this out of my system. But I have chosen to embrace it instead.

If you are intent on remaining with your current girlfriend, then you might want to see if you can work on overcoming this infatuation with older women. Otherwise it may cause problems with your girlfriend, who may not be able to meet your mother needs. Either that or you will continue to feel, "hollow all of the time and more and more frustrated".

I don't think you necessarily have to speak to a male about this. I just think you should be open and honest about it from the beginning, so that a female is aware and hopefully won't turn around and say something catastrophic halfway through the sessions.

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Last edited by JazzyJazz; October 30th 2015 at 12:08 AM. Reason: Adjusted wording slightly.
   
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