Addicted to the past

[ThePunkAlien]

This is beyond difficult to put into words. I'm addicted to the past. I lost my parents a couple of months after I was born. My father ran away before I was born. My mother had to send me away. I never really knew them. For years, until my cousin's death - they were buried in my unconscious and then they flooded to the surface.

I'm really afraid of forgetting them again that sometimes I purposefully trigger myself to feel something. Almost like that feeling, whatever it is brings more closer to them. Like I'm still with them in a sense even if not physically.

I'm also of the belief that a kid needs his parents and a boy especially needs his father. Don't get me wrong, my adoptive Dad is a great guy - but I'm nothing like him. I look at my friends and they are mirror images of their fathers... and that hurts me more than anything else. Bringing back the past, it makes me connected - heals that wound, makes me feel like I belong instead of this eternal loneliness.

My adoptive mother sometimes says I'm addicted. She's a real ass though and it seems like a lot of what I do is a mistake to her. That's especially true when I'm just doing things that are ME and stray from who my adoptive parents are; so it feels like they're rejecting that side of me which wants me to push away from my adoptive parents even more. But, physically they're all I have. I feel like I would be happier with my biological family though, like they'd be the ones that can understand me.

Basically I'm addicted to the past. Triggering or finding whatever I can - even if it's drug induced - to feel a connection to my biological parents, even if it's just in my mind. I belong. Takes away the scars of being a cast away... but, it still makes the pain last and hurts me in other senses - such as not trusting people, leading to them thinking I'm cold. But might be like that for all us bastard sons... or at least I know I have that in common with Good Charlotte...

Everywhere I go
everyone i meet
Every time I try to fall in love
They all want to know why I'm so broken?
Why am I so cold?
Why I'm so hard inside?
Why am I scared?
What am I afraid of?
I don't even know
This story's never had an end
I've been waiting
I've been searching
I've been hoping
I've been dreaming you would come back
But I know the ending of this story...
You're never coming back

Some might think he's talking about an ex, but a parent wound hurts A LOT more than that - plus, similarly, his father abandoned him. Leads to difficulty trusting others because of the fear that they're predictable; "everybody leaves." It's like a circle I'm trapped in. I want to stay connected, I don't want to forget - but keeping the pain is keeping me chained... how the fuck do I not forget them while letting myself become free?

It fucking sucks being an orphan... it complicates every fucking thing in my life. I just want to be normal - human - belong, it's not fair!

[WillO'Wisp]

I know about the lead singer of Good Charlotte, I like this band too.
I believe I have a connection even if not biological, with friends, people who never fail to be there for you, and that is what makes a family member family. Someone who is there for you, and you will find someone like that, even a few people who will love you and appriciate you. I'll be your friend, because I care.

[ThePunkAlien]

I'm not completely alone. I have friends who have saved me from the deepest depths of hell. But, it's still not really the same, as said on 'Smallville':

"I can sense how sad you are, Kal-El. Not a day goes by where you don't feel like an outsider. Even those closest to you will never truly understand you."

That's why I have to find someway to find a balance between accepting what happened to me while not letting it control me. My roots give me a ground, I know/believe that my biological parents would understand me - might be the only ones - but, have to find some way of being in control of my own life & destiny.