TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives


You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Addictive Behaviours Discuss and receive support for addictions not related to substance use, such as gambling, Internet, sex or work addictions, in this forum.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ThePunkAlien Offline
Member
Senior TeenHelper
*******
 
ThePunkAlien's Avatar
 
Name: Josh
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Location: Hollywood USA

Posts: 777
Blog Entries: 23
Join Date: January 5th 2009

Arrow Addicted to the past - March 8th 2010, 07:29 AM

This is beyond difficult to put into words. I'm addicted to the past. I lost my parents a couple of months after I was born. My father ran away before I was born. My mother had to send me away. I never really knew them. For years, until my cousin's death - they were buried in my unconscious and then they flooded to the surface.

I'm really afraid of forgetting them again that sometimes I purposefully trigger myself to feel something. Almost like that feeling, whatever it is brings more closer to them. Like I'm still with them in a sense even if not physically.

I'm also of the belief that a kid needs his parents and a boy especially needs his father. Don't get me wrong, my adoptive Dad is a great guy - but I'm nothing like him. I look at my friends and they are mirror images of their fathers... and that hurts me more than anything else. Bringing back the past, it makes me connected - heals that wound, makes me feel like I belong instead of this eternal loneliness.

My adoptive mother sometimes says I'm addicted. She's a real ass though and it seems like a lot of what I do is a mistake to her. That's especially true when I'm just doing things that are ME and stray from who my adoptive parents are; so it feels like they're rejecting that side of me which wants me to push away from my adoptive parents even more. But, physically they're all I have. I feel like I would be happier with my biological family though, like they'd be the ones that can understand me.

Basically I'm addicted to the past. Triggering or finding whatever I can - even if it's drug induced - to feel a connection to my biological parents, even if it's just in my mind. I belong. Takes away the scars of being a cast away... but, it still makes the pain last and hurts me in other senses - such as not trusting people, leading to them thinking I'm cold. But might be like that for all us bastard sons... or at least I know I have that in common with Good Charlotte...

Quote:
Everywhere I go
everyone i meet
Every time I try to fall in love
They all want to know why I'm so broken?
Why am I so cold?
Why I'm so hard inside?
Why am I scared?
What am I afraid of?
I don't even know
This story's never had an end
I've been waiting
I've been searching
I've been hoping
I've been dreaming you would come back
But I know the ending of this story...
You're never coming back
Some might think he's talking about an ex, but a parent wound hurts A LOT more than that - plus, similarly, his father abandoned him. Leads to difficulty trusting others because of the fear that they're predictable; "everybody leaves." It's like a circle I'm trapped in. I want to stay connected, I don't want to forget - but keeping the pain is keeping me chained... how the fuck do I not forget them while letting myself become free?

It fucking sucks being an orphan... it complicates every fucking thing in my life. I just want to be normal - human - belong, it's not fair!

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; March 8th 2010 at 07:34 AM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
WillO'Wisp Offline
Member
I've been here a while
********
 
WillO'Wisp's Avatar
 
Gender: Other

Posts: 1,715
Join Date: December 31st 2009

Re: Addicted to the past - March 8th 2010, 11:27 PM

I know about the lead singer of Good Charlotte, I like this band too.
I believe I have a connection even if not biological, with friends, people who never fail to be there for you, and that is what makes a family member family. Someone who is there for you, and you will find someone like that, even a few people who will love you and appriciate you. I'll be your friend, because I care.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
ThePunkAlien Offline
Member
Senior TeenHelper
*******
 
ThePunkAlien's Avatar
 
Name: Josh
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Location: Hollywood USA

Posts: 777
Blog Entries: 23
Join Date: January 5th 2009

Re: Addicted to the past - March 9th 2010, 02:06 AM

I'm not completely alone. I have friends who have saved me from the deepest depths of hell. But, it's still not really the same, as said on 'Smallville':

"I can sense how sad you are, Kal-El. Not a day goes by where you don't feel like an outsider. Even those closest to you will never truly understand you."

That's why I have to find someway to find a balance between accepting what happened to me while not letting it control me. My roots give me a ground, I know/believe that my biological parents would understand me - might be the only ones - but, have to find some way of being in control of my own life & destiny.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; March 9th 2010 at 03:33 AM.
   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
addicted, past

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2019, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.