Triggering: my story and confessions and seeking advice

[gamerdude]

well i suppose ill start from the beginning. I had a bit of a rough childhood, never really had many friends most people at school would always make fun of me and bully me around all the time. Sadly things were even worse at home for me. As a child i had a medical condition that caused me to have poor control over my bowls up till i was about 11 or so, at first i was always been yelled at and beaten by my parents for it up till i was about 9 and found out it was a medical condition that i got treatment for. But even after all that was over with things at home were never all that great still got yelled and beating just cause they were it bad moods and would take it out on me over the littlest of thing. Because of being treated like crap most of the time its made me kinda a loner, guess i started looking at it in the way of its hard to get treated like crap when no one is around.

I have 2 confessions id like to make this is the first one. Around the time i was 15 i started turning to drugs and alcohol as a way to coop with it all and well good. Highs are only temporary tho and dont make the pain and depression go away, so being high seemed like it was the only way for me to feel happy but after the high was over felt just as depressed as always. I have had 2 suicide attempts and to this day still feel depressed and it crosses my mind still from time to time. Im 20 years old and will 21 in a few months, i still drink from time to time but for 6 months i off drugs other that a few moments of weakness of smoking pot.

The last confession id like to make is that i have a sexual attraction to younger girls around the age of 10 to 16. This when i was about 16, at the time i was still a virgin so i was looking at porn to satisfy those urges and i got curious about younger girls and started at pics of underage girls, at first i just did it from time to time. A year later i got my first girlfriend things between us moved kinda quick and i was getting laid so i no longer and urges to look at porn. Then after i graduated high school and moved a few hours away from her i was no longer able to satisfy my high sex drive. Then started looking at porn again then after the urges to look at pornographic pics of underage girls came then it came to the point where i was watching videos. A year after i moved down there she graduated and came down there to live with me, so that habbit died down alot but i still did it from time to time. A few months later we had a rough patch and she ended up moving out and getting her own place and ended up taking a break so it started picking back up again. After we got things patched things werent the same between us sex life slowed down to almost nothing and my problem was picking up. I know its but i couldnt seem to resist the urge. She never knew of this problem tho at times i wanting to talking to her about it and ask for help. A couple months later i found out why our sex life and slowed down so much cuz she was cheating and whoring around so that ended things between us. After that it got worse, doing alot of drugs all the time and looking at porn most of underage girls. It got to the point where i realized how bad things had got felt destusted at myself and started to hate myself for it i wanted to quit but for some reason had a hard time with it, i laid off on the drugs and tried to stop with my drug and porn problem. That was 6 months ago i have improved alot but still have the urge from time to time and those times it seems to be the only thing to get me off. I hate this about me, i know its wrong i dont want to do it, i cant really afford any professional help and im a bit afraid too anyway. I want to cut this horrible habbit.

[SummerSoliloquy]

Hey there!

I've moved your thread to the Addictive Behaviors forum as I think it will get better responses there.

Best of luck!

[Carpe Diem]

Hey there! I've just noticed you haven't got a response yet so I'm going to try and offer my two cents:

Firstly, you REALLY gotta get off the underage thing. Porn is pretty normal for guys to watch but when it turns into watching underage girls, you really gotta stop. Not just for moral sakes, but because you could also get tracked and arrested for supporting this (watching it motivates whoever films it). Who knows? This could turn into a massive problem when you get older. Your body might want to move onto the real thing, and underage sex is a really big thing in most countries...

Also, I completely understand that you haven't had a great childhood, and your girlfriend's treatment of you was horrible, but now that you're turning 21, you have to force yourself over your addictions. It seems like you've gotten over the alcohol addiction, but the fact that you've smoked weed a few times lately (you call them weak moments) means that you're not totally over the drugs, and that your body is still searching for those highs. You REALLY gotta get over this as it could escalate.

It seems like you're getting by on your own now; that's VERY respectable. Especially after having rough times with your parents and girlfriend. Let that motivate you, and make a better life for yourself. Do not let your girlfriend and parent's actions get the better of you. Their actions will eventually catch up to them, just don't let them bring you down. People with similar childhoods and lives as yours have either gone on to make a life for themselves, or the very opposite.

Persevere, and fight your urges. You can do it if you really put your heart into it. You have me here for support, but it's ultimately all up to you to get through it. Find a professional if you think you need one.

Good luck! Carpe Diem.