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ThePunkAlien Offline
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Name: Josh
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Location: Hollywood USA

Posts: 777
Blog Entries: 23
Join Date: January 5th 2009

Arrow Raise self-esteem - August 17th 2010, 03:13 AM

My mind is my own worst enemy. It makes me think things that aren't fucking true - I just fucking hate it! Last year I thought my parents were going to disown me when they provided no clue that they were. I just had it dead set in my mind and blew everything up to the point that there was no way they weren't going to disown me... they didn't - not even close - all in my mind!

Now with a girl I like my mind tries to destroy me as well. I'm terrified of the mistakes I made on the first date: missing the "I'm cold" clue, sitting on left rather than right at theaters, saying 'no, thank you' (kindly) to a tic-tac when she went to get one after dinner, her noticing I was nervous and stumbling on her way out the car door.

While forgetting she kept saying she was having a good time, that she enjoyed her final night before law school ended her life, and sing-song-voice "You're too good to me, Josh!"

At the end I asked her out (mistakenly said - next weekend), she said that she didn't know how much time she'll have in the next fifteen weeks (noticed I was taken aback then said) "please don't take offense, just school's gonna take a lot of time but I'll let you know when I'm out and let me know when you're out and we can try to get together." [Note: Law School takes up most students' time completely, she can't even dance the first year which is something she loves - orientation is designed to 'scare' law students, prior to orientation we planned to do multiple things together]. Texted that I had a good time and I understand, she thanks me for my support.

Texted today about attaining another internship, she congratulated me a minute later (I think she was in class)... told her I can call her that night and let her get back to work, she texts me two hours later that she doesn't know how much she'll use her phone anymore but to keep her updated (she also told me how much homework she has first day, indication for the future). Told her I believe she can do it, that I can be there for her, and to not worry she's already got me - just think about the jury. Haven't got a reply, but how do you reply to that? It was more like a quick 'ending note' than conversation continuer. Of course for hours my mind made me think "she hates me!"

--> yet where does that come from? She showed no indication of that:

> She told me she was having a good time, thanked me for a wonderful night, and said I was too good to her.
> When I asked her out, she said she didn't know when she could but would try to make time for me with her over-busy law schedule.
> She texted me during class that's important to her just to congratulate me on the internship.
> She laughed at my jokes, some in which I didn't even expect were funny.
> Even though we were sitting awkwardly, I felt our shoulders rub against each other and we leaned as close as we could towards each other.

Obviously, from the above, she likes me or else she wouldn't have done the above points.
My psychologist calls it a 'negative net' - meaning I only focus on what went wrong or the mistakes rather than what went right... for example my belief that everyone leaves me - when only my biological parents left... taking two people and having that weigh over a ton!

I also previously handed a screenplay to a VP that I've interned with for a year now and was afraid if he didn't like it - he'd throw me out. Makes NO FUCKING SENSE AT ALL!!! Regardless, I believed it for days...

So, what's my goal? Stop being a basket case. My mind works: think something bad, harp on it, come up with reasons to prove it's bad that has no substantial evidence to back it up and believe it for no reason...

BASICALLY: Raise my self-esteem to a level where I don't have this negative net anymore. Feel comfortable with the idea that people like me, that only two people ever really left me, and focus on a balance of what went good versus what didn't go so good... because looking at the details - the good far outweigh the mistakes I've made... if anything she thinks I'm a cute dork who was nervous and shy on our first live date.

OVERALL just gotta stay positive with who I am, balance and lift the good, while not harping on the small things.

-- Comically just saw a Seinfield episode where George Castanza messes up the end of a date. Spends the episode harping about how much he's ruined it and thinking she doesn't want to talk to him because he hasn't heard back in four days... turns out she was on vacation and she thinks he's funny and cute. I couldn't help but relate. How much our mind screws us.

"Maybe I just like people. Maybe sexuality isn't one thing or the other. Maybe it's just something that's shifting and moving. I just know I'm not thinking man or woman."

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; August 17th 2010 at 03:33 AM.
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raise, selfesteem

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